Posts
I can't believe we are in July of 2011 already. It's been a crazy year for sure.
I turned 40!!! YIKES!!!
I sat at my laptop after everyone had left the house from the amazing surprise party
my family set up.
I don't care how old you get, you will always want and need your mom. I finally have that wrapped around my head about my own kids. They will always need me, I can't loose them, they are mine. They love me and need me just like I need and love my own mother. I don't want my parents to get any older. I want my mother to stay with me forever!
I think about myself and realize I have been way to honest with my mom and I think that I would never want to hear from my kids what I have told my mom. Not about my mom. It's all my ignorance in other junk. But, I have always been uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like I am going backwards. I have to do better. I just can't stay on this path...it's straight. I want a new journey. I new journey of being grandparents, and I want winds, and turns, and valley. I always learn from my mistakes!
This marks my brand new journey. I am on a quest to find myself.
I have been so busy being someone's mother, wife, in law, daughter, friend, and someone's sister.
I long for a close relationship with my brothers. I find myself really leaning too far back and not being everything that I should.
With my new journey - I want it to be documented. For my kids!!!
One day I will not be here and I want to leave behind something they can always fall back on.
So, about FORTY!!!
Oh MY Gosh someone help me!
I am forty - WOW!
I think I am okay with that!
I really do! I just may have finally grown up.
Well, with that I am off for now
Ta Ta for now!!!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
January 2011
Hey Friends!
Been a while since my last blog anywhere. I promised myself that in 2011 that I would keep up and make sure this stays up to date. Trying to find something to write about can be, well, at times, it can be really tough. Other times I can pull a subject out of the air because it hits me and causes me to write. I am working on so many things for myself. I am making lists, following through. Holding myself accountable - well that is usually easy but there are times that I shift around and try to shift the blame elsewhere. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be happy.
I am on a venture to find myself. I have spent almost 40 years not really sure of who I am. Holding on to guilt. Taking the blame when it wasn't mine to take. Giving in because of guilt. Whatever the case may be. I think the most important thing to remember is that we must forgive ourselves. I think we hold blame and guilt and we don't forgive ourselves for things that we should have no trouble forgiving ourselves for. I have slowly learned to forgive myself. I do believe that we should speak it out loud. Like this: I forgive myself for not leaving my abuser sooner, when my children were still young. It took a long time to reach that. Sometimes, I don't think I have fully forgiven myself. I have other things to deal with. I have things I still need to forgive myself for. I am working on it. As my children are getting older, I can see that I need to be fully in their lives and to stay close and in touch. That responsibility is on me too. Not just them.
Been a while since my last blog anywhere. I promised myself that in 2011 that I would keep up and make sure this stays up to date. Trying to find something to write about can be, well, at times, it can be really tough. Other times I can pull a subject out of the air because it hits me and causes me to write. I am working on so many things for myself. I am making lists, following through. Holding myself accountable - well that is usually easy but there are times that I shift around and try to shift the blame elsewhere. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be happy.
I am on a venture to find myself. I have spent almost 40 years not really sure of who I am. Holding on to guilt. Taking the blame when it wasn't mine to take. Giving in because of guilt. Whatever the case may be. I think the most important thing to remember is that we must forgive ourselves. I think we hold blame and guilt and we don't forgive ourselves for things that we should have no trouble forgiving ourselves for. I have slowly learned to forgive myself. I do believe that we should speak it out loud. Like this: I forgive myself for not leaving my abuser sooner, when my children were still young. It took a long time to reach that. Sometimes, I don't think I have fully forgiven myself. I have other things to deal with. I have things I still need to forgive myself for. I am working on it. As my children are getting older, I can see that I need to be fully in their lives and to stay close and in touch. That responsibility is on me too. Not just them.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Bucket List instead
I am so excited! I have decided that instead of new years resolutions I am doing a bucket list!
"Bucket List"
1) See the northern lights
2) Get published
I will add more as we go...
"Bucket List"
1) See the northern lights
2) Get published
I will add more as we go...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
CONFRONTING MY PAST
I AM ALMOST 40. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH SOME OF THE DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
I HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN OUR CHILDHOOD WE WISH WE COULD FIX, CHANGE OR TAKE BACK. HELL, I HAVE THINGS IN MY ADULT LIFE I WISH I COULD CHANGE,FIX, OR TAKE BACK. A DO OVER WOULD BE NICE. BUT, THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. MY HARD PART IS THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE SORRY FOR. APPARENTLY I WAS A HORRIBLE CHILD AND I REALLY HAVE THINGS I SHOULD WANT TO CHANGE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER IT. CHILDHOOD IS SOMETHING WE SPEND OUR ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO OVERCOME. SOME ARE SUCCESSFUL AND SOME ARE NOT.
I HAVE A BROTHER WHO IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. HE BLAMES ME. HE SAYS I RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD BY BEATING HIM. I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS, I WAS OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE BY THE TIME I WAS 16. WHEN I LEFT HE WAS BARLEY A TEEN AT ONLY MAYBE 13. HE SWEARS I ABUSED HIM BY BEATING HIM. HE HAS 4 DAUGHTERS. I BABYSAT THEM. IT WAS ONLY THIS SUMMER I HAD HIS DAUGHTER FOR TWO WEEKS (ONE WEEK AT A TIME). IF I WAS SO ABUSIVE, WHY DID HE LET HIS DAUGHTER COME STAY HERE FOR A WEEK. ANYWAY. I GUESS ITS HIDDEN OR SOMETHING.
REPRESSED MEMORIES. I HAD SOME PRETTY BAD ENCOUNTERS IN MY LIFE FROM A ROUGH CHILDHOOD, TO A BAD MARRIAGE AND EVEN SOME ENCOUNTERS THAT WEREN'T BY A FAMILY MEMBER. MY PARENTS WORKED AND THEY MADE ME STAY AT HOME AND WATCH MY BROTHERS. I HAD TO BE OVER TEN IN MY THOUGHT PROCESS. BUT, ACCORDING TO MY BROTHER I BEAT HIM. HE SAYS I ABUSED HIM. NEVER ANY MARKS. BECAUSE HE TOLD MY MOM. I ADMIT I WASN'T THE BEST SISTER AND I HAVE SAID I AM SORRY MORE THAN ANY PERSON SHOULD HAVE TO IN ANY LIFETIME. I HAVE TRIED TO OVERCOME THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND THEN FINALLY GETTING ALONG NOW AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS HE HAS TAKEN A 360 TURN AND HE'S DONE. HE SAYS I AM DEAD TO HIM AND NOTHING. HE SAYS IF I ATTEND A FAMILY FUNCTION HE WILL MAKE ME MISERABLE. WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. I THINK ITS WRONG. I HAD SAID I WOULD NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS SO CLOSE AND AT HIS HOUSE AND I DIDN'T WANT THE TENSION. BUT, I DIDN'T MEAN FOREVER.
ACTUALLY I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING. HE TRULY HATES ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND TO FIND OUT SOMEONE HATES YOU SO MUCH. THAT THEY NEVER LIKED YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN FAKED. IT'S LIKE HAVING A DEATH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW. I AM REEVALUATING MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT. WHO NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. I JUST AM CHECKING THE LIST ONE BY ONE.
MAYBE IT'S TIME I JUST STOP. I HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS. ITS TIME TO CEASE EXISTENCE TO MY FAMILY OF PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH, WHY SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FAKING ANYTHING? I FEEL SO ALONE NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHO IS REAL ANYMORE. I DON'T WHO I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S TRUE FEELINGS. WELL, I GUESS I DO NOW. MY PARENTS EVEN. I AM LOOKING OVER EVERYTHING.
I HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN OUR CHILDHOOD WE WISH WE COULD FIX, CHANGE OR TAKE BACK. HELL, I HAVE THINGS IN MY ADULT LIFE I WISH I COULD CHANGE,FIX, OR TAKE BACK. A DO OVER WOULD BE NICE. BUT, THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. MY HARD PART IS THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE SORRY FOR. APPARENTLY I WAS A HORRIBLE CHILD AND I REALLY HAVE THINGS I SHOULD WANT TO CHANGE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER IT. CHILDHOOD IS SOMETHING WE SPEND OUR ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO OVERCOME. SOME ARE SUCCESSFUL AND SOME ARE NOT.
I HAVE A BROTHER WHO IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. HE BLAMES ME. HE SAYS I RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD BY BEATING HIM. I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS, I WAS OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE BY THE TIME I WAS 16. WHEN I LEFT HE WAS BARLEY A TEEN AT ONLY MAYBE 13. HE SWEARS I ABUSED HIM BY BEATING HIM. HE HAS 4 DAUGHTERS. I BABYSAT THEM. IT WAS ONLY THIS SUMMER I HAD HIS DAUGHTER FOR TWO WEEKS (ONE WEEK AT A TIME). IF I WAS SO ABUSIVE, WHY DID HE LET HIS DAUGHTER COME STAY HERE FOR A WEEK. ANYWAY. I GUESS ITS HIDDEN OR SOMETHING.
REPRESSED MEMORIES. I HAD SOME PRETTY BAD ENCOUNTERS IN MY LIFE FROM A ROUGH CHILDHOOD, TO A BAD MARRIAGE AND EVEN SOME ENCOUNTERS THAT WEREN'T BY A FAMILY MEMBER. MY PARENTS WORKED AND THEY MADE ME STAY AT HOME AND WATCH MY BROTHERS. I HAD TO BE OVER TEN IN MY THOUGHT PROCESS. BUT, ACCORDING TO MY BROTHER I BEAT HIM. HE SAYS I ABUSED HIM. NEVER ANY MARKS. BECAUSE HE TOLD MY MOM. I ADMIT I WASN'T THE BEST SISTER AND I HAVE SAID I AM SORRY MORE THAN ANY PERSON SHOULD HAVE TO IN ANY LIFETIME. I HAVE TRIED TO OVERCOME THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND THEN FINALLY GETTING ALONG NOW AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS HE HAS TAKEN A 360 TURN AND HE'S DONE. HE SAYS I AM DEAD TO HIM AND NOTHING. HE SAYS IF I ATTEND A FAMILY FUNCTION HE WILL MAKE ME MISERABLE. WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. I THINK ITS WRONG. I HAD SAID I WOULD NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS SO CLOSE AND AT HIS HOUSE AND I DIDN'T WANT THE TENSION. BUT, I DIDN'T MEAN FOREVER.
ACTUALLY I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING. HE TRULY HATES ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND TO FIND OUT SOMEONE HATES YOU SO MUCH. THAT THEY NEVER LIKED YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN FAKED. IT'S LIKE HAVING A DEATH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW. I AM REEVALUATING MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT. WHO NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. I JUST AM CHECKING THE LIST ONE BY ONE.
MAYBE IT'S TIME I JUST STOP. I HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS. ITS TIME TO CEASE EXISTENCE TO MY FAMILY OF PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH, WHY SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FAKING ANYTHING? I FEEL SO ALONE NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHO IS REAL ANYMORE. I DON'T WHO I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S TRUE FEELINGS. WELL, I GUESS I DO NOW. MY PARENTS EVEN. I AM LOOKING OVER EVERYTHING.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Repost from Health and Wellness
uesday, April 20, 2010
Finding out about my addiction
I just didn't realize food was an addiction. While I am not a drug user of any sort of recreational drug, I am not a drinking either. I smoke cigarettes which needs to stop as well, that will come later because I can't do all changes at once or I won't follow through. I believe this.
With my choice and decisions made to change I began to find out what made me tick, what would help me. I began gaining and gaining and gaining until I confronted this issue. I am a sucker for hot fudge and ice cream. So - I would fill a bowl and add hot fudge and chow down after everyone was asleep. I ate! It shows too. Like I said, total honesty.
I just realized it was controlling me. I can't let this control me anymore.
So - I made a decision. I was given some small help books for diabetes type two - one was healthy eating and one was healthy activity. I need them both. Who am I kidding?
Not a soul. I don't see fat unless I am looking at a photo of myself or if I am trying to button my pants that use to fit perfect. I have them and I am not giving them away, just yet. I decided to try them out, hold them until July 15 - my b-day and if they still don't fit, off to the charity house. But - let's get started -
Addiction is a real illness. I know this because of my dealings with drug addicts and alcoholics. So, I am about 190 to 195 would be my guess - no, let me take that down - I am only like 2 inches buttoning my shorts that are size 16.. I don't want to be a size 16 but, I want to get there first...then the rest...so, let's be honest.
I have an intestinal problem. My medication causes trouble and I have chronic constipation. I take a Vegetable Laxative and Stool Softener everyday. I take 4 each of them and only have normal bowel movements. You'd think I would be on the pot 24/7 with all that, but I am not. So - on a not bloated day from the problems I would weigh about 185 to 190...with bloating I am probably close to 200. This is a guess. I haven't rewarded myself with a scale yet. I am working toward goals.
I am rewarding myself with non food items as I reach certain goals. By June I want to be in my shorts comfortably...By June 1st because we are going on vacation in June and I want to do well...and be smaller..so, here's to getting healthy. I will eat 5 to 6 small meals a day because I am diabetic and I must keep my sugar normal.
Yesterday was Step 1 - my first day - I had 25 points and went 3 over than I was suppose to. Today I working to stay within my points and I am also going to exercise to gain some points back too.
Today - Day number 2 - well, I am still excited. I am working on a few things. I am working on baby steps to concur my disorganized lifestyle.
I am working on points, and activity today. I am optimistic and can see a future with my body being healthy. It hurts to walk, to exercise, but I am going to do it. I am going to work hard at it too. So - there we go...Have a great day...
Love you for reading.
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:38 AM 0 comments
Food as my addiction...
I finally had to be honest and see that I needed to change. It's been to long. I didn't grow up overweight - in fact I was way small. I didn't hardly weigh anything and I miss that so much. Anyway...I have begun my journey to health, wellness and loosing pounds.
I am not going to starve myself, but I am going to make a plan. I have decided to incorporate some things into my daily living that are right for me. I will add credit when it's due and I will list the resource as well. I am not relying on one program to work for me, I am making my own...with that said, I will give credit where it is due..which is Weight Watchers http://www.weightwatchers.com - I am using a part point system - I have an entire kit from when my mom was a member. So, the ideas of the points really appeal to me and I think I will do well on this area - my next is Ruby - http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp -
She's an amazing woman and I have been following her progress and I am taking the challenge and borrowing the 12 steps to help me because my next help is from a book called Take Action given to me by my Dr. It's two books - one for activity and one for healthy choices - so I am looking forward to using this all together as a help for me. Also - while doing this I must credit Fly Lady because with my activity and eating - I have decided to also change my life style - and Fly Lady is my choice to incorporate into my life plan.
I am excited. I started Yesterday
Monday, April 19, 2010 with my brand new life.
Let me give ya a run down here.
I am following a point system which gives point values to food and I need to stay with a certain amount of points for the day. This is causing me to be brutality honest, even when I want to lie. About eating, about weight, about skipping exercise. Honestly and True - It's me!!!
I love you foe being here - Thanks for reading!
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:25 AM 0 comments
Updates on Health and Wellness - starting my recovery
Hey There!
I know - its been awhile. I am working toward a better me...I have a few things going on, there are some health issues, but I am working to solve it.
Health update:
Hematologist ordered blood work and I return on April 29 for an update. If the blood work is okay then I will make the steps for a bone marrow check - not sure what that entails and I honestly don't want to know. If blood is better from the iron pills or whatever then I am done with him. He suggested a visit to my OB/GYN which I haven't seen in years. So, I will be making an appointment and getting that stupid pap smear.
I started seeing a Chiropractor here in Whitney. My insurance pays for 12 visits a year.
He's great, he's careful and over all I do feel better. I had my third adjustment yesterday and I am a little more sore. But, there are other changes taking place there too that may be playing a part into that pain. Overall I am adjusting well.
My counselor slowed me to only seeing her once a month or so. I am glad. think maybe its too soon. But, I am adjusting. I know the recent visit has helped allot with all if this too.
So, I am making life changes. I have to admit that I am well, I am FAT!!! I have to do something. This is effecting my ability to move forward with anything. I am doing a combination here...
For my weight:
I am following Ruby @ http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp - I just love her! So, I am using her plan a little and
then incorporating the Weight Watchers http://www.weightwatchers.com Point System into my life. I have a kit from a while back. It was my mothers and she gave it to me. It's perfect, has everything to do the point system right here in my on home. I even have a calculator that's so cool at finding point values for things fast and easy. I am going to keep it in my purse.
Also what I will be doing with a little of Kirstie. I am Checking out Kirstie alley's stuff too at http://www.organicliaison.com/intro. I haven't purchased anything. Because I want to do this right. I don't want to do prepared foods, 2 shakes and 1 meal, I want to change my eating habits and life for the better so I am going to make my own weight loss program. You can follow my program and progress here, at facebook, twitter, and my personal blog. I will be posting more later today...I love you reading...
If you want to check these out I have provided links for you.
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:24 AM 0 comments
Finding out about my addiction
I just didn't realize food was an addiction. While I am not a drug user of any sort of recreational drug, I am not a drinking either. I smoke cigarettes which needs to stop as well, that will come later because I can't do all changes at once or I won't follow through. I believe this.
With my choice and decisions made to change I began to find out what made me tick, what would help me. I began gaining and gaining and gaining until I confronted this issue. I am a sucker for hot fudge and ice cream. So - I would fill a bowl and add hot fudge and chow down after everyone was asleep. I ate! It shows too. Like I said, total honesty.
I just realized it was controlling me. I can't let this control me anymore.
So - I made a decision. I was given some small help books for diabetes type two - one was healthy eating and one was healthy activity. I need them both. Who am I kidding?
Not a soul. I don't see fat unless I am looking at a photo of myself or if I am trying to button my pants that use to fit perfect. I have them and I am not giving them away, just yet. I decided to try them out, hold them until July 15 - my b-day and if they still don't fit, off to the charity house. But - let's get started -
Addiction is a real illness. I know this because of my dealings with drug addicts and alcoholics. So, I am about 190 to 195 would be my guess - no, let me take that down - I am only like 2 inches buttoning my shorts that are size 16.. I don't want to be a size 16 but, I want to get there first...then the rest...so, let's be honest.
I have an intestinal problem. My medication causes trouble and I have chronic constipation. I take a Vegetable Laxative and Stool Softener everyday. I take 4 each of them and only have normal bowel movements. You'd think I would be on the pot 24/7 with all that, but I am not. So - on a not bloated day from the problems I would weigh about 185 to 190...with bloating I am probably close to 200. This is a guess. I haven't rewarded myself with a scale yet. I am working toward goals.
I am rewarding myself with non food items as I reach certain goals. By June I want to be in my shorts comfortably...By June 1st because we are going on vacation in June and I want to do well...and be smaller..so, here's to getting healthy. I will eat 5 to 6 small meals a day because I am diabetic and I must keep my sugar normal.
Yesterday was Step 1 - my first day - I had 25 points and went 3 over than I was suppose to. Today I working to stay within my points and I am also going to exercise to gain some points back too.
Today - Day number 2 - well, I am still excited. I am working on a few things. I am working on baby steps to concur my disorganized lifestyle.
I am working on points, and activity today. I am optimistic and can see a future with my body being healthy. It hurts to walk, to exercise, but I am going to do it. I am going to work hard at it too. So - there we go...Have a great day...
Love you for reading.
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:38 AM 0 comments
Food as my addiction...
I finally had to be honest and see that I needed to change. It's been to long. I didn't grow up overweight - in fact I was way small. I didn't hardly weigh anything and I miss that so much. Anyway...I have begun my journey to health, wellness and loosing pounds.
I am not going to starve myself, but I am going to make a plan. I have decided to incorporate some things into my daily living that are right for me. I will add credit when it's due and I will list the resource as well. I am not relying on one program to work for me, I am making my own...with that said, I will give credit where it is due..which is Weight Watchers http://www.weightwatchers.com - I am using a part point system - I have an entire kit from when my mom was a member. So, the ideas of the points really appeal to me and I think I will do well on this area - my next is Ruby - http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp -
She's an amazing woman and I have been following her progress and I am taking the challenge and borrowing the 12 steps to help me because my next help is from a book called Take Action given to me by my Dr. It's two books - one for activity and one for healthy choices - so I am looking forward to using this all together as a help for me. Also - while doing this I must credit Fly Lady because with my activity and eating - I have decided to also change my life style - and Fly Lady is my choice to incorporate into my life plan.
I am excited. I started Yesterday
Monday, April 19, 2010 with my brand new life.
Let me give ya a run down here.
I am following a point system which gives point values to food and I need to stay with a certain amount of points for the day. This is causing me to be brutality honest, even when I want to lie. About eating, about weight, about skipping exercise. Honestly and True - It's me!!!
I love you foe being here - Thanks for reading!
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:25 AM 0 comments
Updates on Health and Wellness - starting my recovery
Hey There!
I know - its been awhile. I am working toward a better me...I have a few things going on, there are some health issues, but I am working to solve it.
Health update:
Hematologist ordered blood work and I return on April 29 for an update. If the blood work is okay then I will make the steps for a bone marrow check - not sure what that entails and I honestly don't want to know. If blood is better from the iron pills or whatever then I am done with him. He suggested a visit to my OB/GYN which I haven't seen in years. So, I will be making an appointment and getting that stupid pap smear.
I started seeing a Chiropractor here in Whitney. My insurance pays for 12 visits a year.
He's great, he's careful and over all I do feel better. I had my third adjustment yesterday and I am a little more sore. But, there are other changes taking place there too that may be playing a part into that pain. Overall I am adjusting well.
My counselor slowed me to only seeing her once a month or so. I am glad. think maybe its too soon. But, I am adjusting. I know the recent visit has helped allot with all if this too.
So, I am making life changes. I have to admit that I am well, I am FAT!!! I have to do something. This is effecting my ability to move forward with anything. I am doing a combination here...
For my weight:
I am following Ruby @ http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp - I just love her! So, I am using her plan a little and
then incorporating the Weight Watchers http://www.weightwatchers.com Point System into my life. I have a kit from a while back. It was my mothers and she gave it to me. It's perfect, has everything to do the point system right here in my on home. I even have a calculator that's so cool at finding point values for things fast and easy. I am going to keep it in my purse.
Also what I will be doing with a little of Kirstie. I am Checking out Kirstie alley's stuff too at http://www.organicliaison.com/intro. I haven't purchased anything. Because I want to do this right. I don't want to do prepared foods, 2 shakes and 1 meal, I want to change my eating habits and life for the better so I am going to make my own weight loss program. You can follow my program and progress here, at facebook, twitter, and my personal blog. I will be posting more later today...I love you reading...
If you want to check these out I have provided links for you.
Posted by Tracy Knight at 9:24 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Me Totally!
Finally getting into the swing of things again. Trying to work on the blogs since I am not using my space anymore. I love face book and enjoy it more. Who knew!
I am so totally goofy. I am over emotional, I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I cry when I think about the love I share with my kids and husband.
I am so totally goofy. I am over emotional, I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I cry when I think about the love I share with my kids and husband.
Purpose Life
For a couple of years now I have been living on purpose. It seemed like only a short time ago I was facing my darkest days. Constant chronic pain, no ability to balance and walk. I was seeing my way through a life that didn't seem like it was going to ever have an quality of life again. I had to determine to do better. I may not be able to run a marathon, run, or exercise everyday but I can walk. When you face a difficult illness, cancer, something life changing you realize what means the most. I learned what was important. It was no longer important to be right in every situation. It was not necessary to have the last word. My purpose became to just simply smile and live life on purpose. I do have a day here or there that makes me blissfully aware of what my fate could be. It's like a reminder. It reminds me that if I am in pain I am still alive. If I am in pain now I know that I can gain control and survive the attack. I see what life is healthy and limited amount of pain that remains controlled.
Although my pain is very well controlled I know that any moment my life can change. I take every day as a day to take a new breath and know that I am loved and wanted. My children are my rock and they keep me strong and feeling loved and needed. My husband is the most amazing man I know besides my father and sons of course. I thank God to this very day for every moment he has given to me with John. I look around me and see into the lives of my friends and the marriages that are rocky or in pain. I can look at my marriage and know we are strong. We are in love and we stay in love. We value our life together and our time to love together. He is my angel from God.
He assures me that I am wanted, needed, loved, and valued. He doesn't touch me with a shaky hand, he holds firm and lets me know I am his rock too. We have faced some of my darkest days together. He didn't leave me. He was there with my face and with me every step of the way when I had my brain surgery. He has been there to carry me when I couldn't walk on my own two feet. He has loved me no matter what. I love him no matter what. We are both very kind and loving, we are giving and love to help others when we are able to. We are both so in love that I know we are okay - after 12 years, we are still okay.
Walking my journey through my purpose life...
Until next time - Thanks for reading and I love you for reading...
Tracy
Although my pain is very well controlled I know that any moment my life can change. I take every day as a day to take a new breath and know that I am loved and wanted. My children are my rock and they keep me strong and feeling loved and needed. My husband is the most amazing man I know besides my father and sons of course. I thank God to this very day for every moment he has given to me with John. I look around me and see into the lives of my friends and the marriages that are rocky or in pain. I can look at my marriage and know we are strong. We are in love and we stay in love. We value our life together and our time to love together. He is my angel from God.
He assures me that I am wanted, needed, loved, and valued. He doesn't touch me with a shaky hand, he holds firm and lets me know I am his rock too. We have faced some of my darkest days together. He didn't leave me. He was there with my face and with me every step of the way when I had my brain surgery. He has been there to carry me when I couldn't walk on my own two feet. He has loved me no matter what. I love him no matter what. We are both very kind and loving, we are giving and love to help others when we are able to. We are both so in love that I know we are okay - after 12 years, we are still okay.
Walking my journey through my purpose life...
Until next time - Thanks for reading and I love you for reading...
Tracy
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Weekly Update
Lately we have made many changes to our lifestyle that makes things easy on us.
We are scheduled to leave on Saturday for a week in Galveston in a Beach House.
Right at the beach with coffee on the balcony in the morning watching the sunset and sunrise on the ocean. I am so excited. But, affording it? We were given a free week in the beach house and with only the gas to get us there and the food to enjoy, we are in for a very nice vacation for a very low price.
I have been rolling my own cigarettes saving over $100 a month.
Making our own laundry soap we have been doing for well over a year.
These savings have made it possible to do even more - to our house, with our family.
We are enjoying the benefits of living a frugal life.
We are scheduled to leave on Saturday for a week in Galveston in a Beach House.
Right at the beach with coffee on the balcony in the morning watching the sunset and sunrise on the ocean. I am so excited. But, affording it? We were given a free week in the beach house and with only the gas to get us there and the food to enjoy, we are in for a very nice vacation for a very low price.
I have been rolling my own cigarettes saving over $100 a month.
Making our own laundry soap we have been doing for well over a year.
These savings have made it possible to do even more - to our house, with our family.
We are enjoying the benefits of living a frugal life.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Cigarettes! Roll Your Own!
Hey there readers. I have been extremely naughty and haven't kept up with any of my blogs. So, I decided to do better. Yes, I am a smoker, and yes I roll my own cigarettes and they are better than store bought and cheaper. I average about $5 a carton. Depending on your equipment it will average your cost.. I am going to go through the process of roller a cigarette and add some photos, as well. Hope you enjoy this!
First you will need equipment. The rolling machines I call them range from simple and cheap starting from around $5 and on up to electric and over $100. So, use your head.
You don't want to go cheap cheap because it can be more difficult to roll and it may not be put together as well. Remember, you get what you pay for. A carton in Texas runs anywhere from $30 to $60. So, for what you spend on a carton, you can buy the things to roll your own for the same price. Texas has huge inflated taxes on cigarettes.
We chose to go a little higher quality and our roller was $50. We bought the roller, two cartons of 200 rolling tubes (short lights), a 6 oz. bag of tobacco - the cost for us to start was about $70 but, we didn't buy online first, we bought from a local tobacco store. The store is $15 for a 6 oz bag of tobacco when you can get it online for the same price but for double the tobacco which is about $15 for a 1 lb. bag, the tubes at the store are $3.50 and online you pay about $2 a box for 200 to 250 rolling tubes. After the roller is bought, it will only cost you on average about $5 to $8 a carton. Sounds simple right?! Just take that $60 and make the purchase for your needs to roll instead of buying that carton. Trust me!
okay, so - you can check online. I first bought from www.ryocigarette.com and they are good. But, I was missing a box of tubes and the packing slip showed it in the box when shipped - and this site does not replace or refund if that happens. So, you can use your internet search engine to find a place to make your purchases or check your local tobacco store. This is worth it.
Tips:
1) if you have a natural or bold tobacco, you need to decide: if you want a light cigarette then use a light filter with bold tobacco. Try to avoid light tobacco and light filters, because it turns into ultra light.
2) Buy more than one box of tubes b/c you will need to practice and there will be mistakes - trust me! So, allow for the extra to experiment and get it right.
For more information - shoot me an email at tracyrknight@hotmail.com
Good luck no matter what you decide!
First you will need equipment. The rolling machines I call them range from simple and cheap starting from around $5 and on up to electric and over $100. So, use your head.
You don't want to go cheap cheap because it can be more difficult to roll and it may not be put together as well. Remember, you get what you pay for. A carton in Texas runs anywhere from $30 to $60. So, for what you spend on a carton, you can buy the things to roll your own for the same price. Texas has huge inflated taxes on cigarettes.
We chose to go a little higher quality and our roller was $50. We bought the roller, two cartons of 200 rolling tubes (short lights), a 6 oz. bag of tobacco - the cost for us to start was about $70 but, we didn't buy online first, we bought from a local tobacco store. The store is $15 for a 6 oz bag of tobacco when you can get it online for the same price but for double the tobacco which is about $15 for a 1 lb. bag, the tubes at the store are $3.50 and online you pay about $2 a box for 200 to 250 rolling tubes. After the roller is bought, it will only cost you on average about $5 to $8 a carton. Sounds simple right?! Just take that $60 and make the purchase for your needs to roll instead of buying that carton. Trust me!
okay, so - you can check online. I first bought from www.ryocigarette.com and they are good. But, I was missing a box of tubes and the packing slip showed it in the box when shipped - and this site does not replace or refund if that happens. So, you can use your internet search engine to find a place to make your purchases or check your local tobacco store. This is worth it.
Tips:
1) if you have a natural or bold tobacco, you need to decide: if you want a light cigarette then use a light filter with bold tobacco. Try to avoid light tobacco and light filters, because it turns into ultra light.
2) Buy more than one box of tubes b/c you will need to practice and there will be mistakes - trust me! So, allow for the extra to experiment and get it right.
For more information - shoot me an email at tracyrknight@hotmail.com
Good luck no matter what you decide!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Finding the delete button
Don't you wish you could just hit the delete button. Just run up to it, slam down your foot and have a restore point, an undo button. I wish I had those.
You are pissed off and you let your mouth overload you BUTT - bam where's the undo button. Bam - click it and it rewinds and deletes the moment before you put your foot in your mouth...
Say I had this huge fight and it brought me to starring down at something and loosing that relationship rather it be a family member, spouse or child - and you make it through the new door and realize, nope - it's not going to work like this..you can search and find the restore point and take you back to where it all made sense and there was never an unkind word said.
We are all capable of being angry - saying hateful things, having mean thoughts. If you never cross those thoughts then you are a stuffed doll. Because anyone who is human has these points they get too.
What about a delete button..yes, you say it, do it and then look back and see the mess you left behind and you reread the rough draft and go ahead and hit the delete button or hit the backspace before you send it out of your head or mouth..then its doctored.
But, more than anything - going back to sweep and clean up. The Restore/redo/undo buttons...
Everything you do has a fix it except for our hurt and anger feeling either caused by someone else or yourself. Your words - once you say it, you can't go back and wipe it clean. Because once it leaves your fingers and lips and makes contact with the other person, it's too late and its the one thing you can't take back, fix, wipe clean, delete, undo, or restore...
So, think with your entire head and heart. Always always always be made for entire 24 hours before you clap down and face the issue head on - and eye to eye!
No matter how many people say you are forgiven, and try to go back to the start line..it is never the same again...trust me
Go ahead and hit the back button...right now!!!
You are pissed off and you let your mouth overload you BUTT - bam where's the undo button. Bam - click it and it rewinds and deletes the moment before you put your foot in your mouth...
Say I had this huge fight and it brought me to starring down at something and loosing that relationship rather it be a family member, spouse or child - and you make it through the new door and realize, nope - it's not going to work like this..you can search and find the restore point and take you back to where it all made sense and there was never an unkind word said.
We are all capable of being angry - saying hateful things, having mean thoughts. If you never cross those thoughts then you are a stuffed doll. Because anyone who is human has these points they get too.
What about a delete button..yes, you say it, do it and then look back and see the mess you left behind and you reread the rough draft and go ahead and hit the delete button or hit the backspace before you send it out of your head or mouth..then its doctored.
But, more than anything - going back to sweep and clean up. The Restore/redo/undo buttons...
Everything you do has a fix it except for our hurt and anger feeling either caused by someone else or yourself. Your words - once you say it, you can't go back and wipe it clean. Because once it leaves your fingers and lips and makes contact with the other person, it's too late and its the one thing you can't take back, fix, wipe clean, delete, undo, or restore...
So, think with your entire head and heart. Always always always be made for entire 24 hours before you clap down and face the issue head on - and eye to eye!
No matter how many people say you are forgiven, and try to go back to the start line..it is never the same again...trust me
Go ahead and hit the back button...right now!!!
Finding the delete button
Don't you wish you could just hit the delete button. Just run up to it, slam down your foot and have a restore point, an undo button. I wish I had those.
You are pissed off and you let your mouth overload you BUTT - bam where's the undo button. Bam - click it and it rewinds and deletes the moment before you put your foot in your mouth...
Say I had this huge fight and it brought me to starring down at something and loosing that relationship rather it be a family member, spouse or child - and you make it through the new door and realize, nope - it's not going to work like this..you can search and find the restore point and take you back to where it all made sense and there was never an unkind word said.
We are all capable of being angry - saying hateful things, having mean thoughts. If you never cross those thoughts then you are a stuffed doll. Because anyone who is human has these points they get too.
What about a delete button..yes, you say it, do it and then look back and see the mess you left behind and you reread the rough draft and go ahead and hit the delete button or hit the backspace before you send it out of your head or mouth..then its doctored.
But, more than anything - going back to sweep and clean up. The Restore/redo/undo buttons...
Everything you do has a fix it except for our hurt and anger feeling either caused by someone else or yourself. Your words - once you say it, you can't go back and wipe it clean. Because once it leaves your fingers and lips and makes contact with the other person, it's too late and its the one thing you can't take back, fix, wipe clean, delete, undo, or restore...
So, think with your entire head and heart. Always always always be made for entire 24 hours before you clap down and face the issue head on - and eye to eye!
No matter how many people say you are forgiven, and try to go back to the start line..it is never the same again...trust me
Go ahead and hit the back button...right now!!!
You are pissed off and you let your mouth overload you BUTT - bam where's the undo button. Bam - click it and it rewinds and deletes the moment before you put your foot in your mouth...
Say I had this huge fight and it brought me to starring down at something and loosing that relationship rather it be a family member, spouse or child - and you make it through the new door and realize, nope - it's not going to work like this..you can search and find the restore point and take you back to where it all made sense and there was never an unkind word said.
We are all capable of being angry - saying hateful things, having mean thoughts. If you never cross those thoughts then you are a stuffed doll. Because anyone who is human has these points they get too.
What about a delete button..yes, you say it, do it and then look back and see the mess you left behind and you reread the rough draft and go ahead and hit the delete button or hit the backspace before you send it out of your head or mouth..then its doctored.
But, more than anything - going back to sweep and clean up. The Restore/redo/undo buttons...
Everything you do has a fix it except for our hurt and anger feeling either caused by someone else or yourself. Your words - once you say it, you can't go back and wipe it clean. Because once it leaves your fingers and lips and makes contact with the other person, it's too late and its the one thing you can't take back, fix, wipe clean, delete, undo, or restore...
So, think with your entire head and heart. Always always always be made for entire 24 hours before you clap down and face the issue head on - and eye to eye!
No matter how many people say you are forgiven, and try to go back to the start line..it is never the same again...trust me
Go ahead and hit the back button...right now!!!
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