Just a day....one day at a time Sweet Jesus

I woke up today, just like any other day. I started my day out like I do everyday.
I wonder how the day will control me. Will I be bed bound or able to exercise and get house hold things done. I evaluate my pain as I roll out of bed for my morning coffee.

When I wake I reach trembling and rolling over to my side with grunt and groans, I try to push myself up to sitting. Sometimes, it's so hard to use my arms and hands to get up, so I will reach for my pain medication and take it with my water. I give it about 30 minutes to start working. I can feel when it takes over my pain. I then start over and try again. The worst part, is if I have to potty when I wake up. This can be painful if I am forced to wait to have my morning potty. Once I am up, I make my way to bathroom and I will spare you the details of the potty session.

I make my way to the coffee pot, usually I can just get a cup because I set the pot up the night before to make coffee the next morning on a timer. (that is a life saver)
Once I make my way back to be bedroom I set myself up on my bed, grab my computer sometimes. If I am severe pain, I will just simply lay back down. I sit on my heating pads. I have two, one is usually on my hip, and another is elsewhere. It catches an arm, a hand, a knee, hip or whatever else needs heat that morning. While I am waiting for the heating pad and medication to take control I take the rest of my morning medications.

After a rest I am usually able to move about more freely. With slight pain I can continue through my day. I make a meal shake usually, then do some chores, laundry - dishes - sweeping - etc. I am extremely blessed,because sometimes I don't get to do anything that day, and my kids come in from school and take over. They help me so much. Talk to me when they get home, and then they will do dishes, cook dinner, or whatever else I may need from them. I have the best kids. I am so lucky!

When I confront my pain, I sometimes find despair. Not because of home life, or something the kids or John did to me. Its always just me. Feeling guilty because I am not a good wife or good mother, guilty because I don't do enough around here. It bothers me that anyone has to help me with anything. Anyway, that's just me.

I can tell when it's time to take my medication, my body knows and I can feel it fade. When to take the medication - it's strange, but true. That's about it, a day in the life of ME!

Thanks for reading!

And she said "I am Done!"

Most of you know about my daughter and her low life idiot now ex boyfriend.
She finally looked up, held up her head, and looked life straight in the face, and she found her strength to walk away. I am so glad - I have my daughter back finally.

Val is much like me, when she is done with something or someone - that's it, it's done. I am the same way. Once I hit this point in my own life, that's it.

All the lies, cheating, no working, non-help in bills, finally got to Val and she stood back, and said - you know what, I can do bad all by myself.

When Val got with Valentine, it was horrible. Almost from the first moment, we were plagued with him not being the one. I thought, no one will ever treat her this bad.

Then there was Brady, I felt so guilty for their break up for so long, she loved him and he did her badly. Not just taking advantage of her - in every way possible, he left without ever saying why or goodbye, no closure. I too thought, wow he really surpassed Valentine I think, and it can't get any worse than Brady.

Then along came this idiot Tarrance. What a jerk. He did her over, upside down, inside out, he totally took advantage of my daughter. He's surpassed Brady and Valentine.

I am tired of the trash.
There's nothing harder than seeing your children hurt. There's nothing like seeing them in pain. But, I also enjoy seeing my children happy.

Valarie is smart, independent, she works and never misses work, she supports herself, she doesn't need a man to take care of her, she has her own car, her own place to live, she doesn't need a man. But, she's lovable, and shes loyal. She doesn't lie, steal or cheat, she's honest in every way possible, she loves children, animals, outside, she loves life. She's fun to be around, she's loyal and she's beautiful - inside and out!
I don't have to wonder about her, she always makes the right choice.
Valarie deserves to be loved. To be desired.
I just pray that the man that God has set aside for my daughter, comes along just in time. I am ready for the real love of her life, and she's ready to be loved.

I love my angel baby girl. I am here no matter what.

I am proud of her, I have always been proud of her, proud of all my children. But - I am proud beyond belief of my daughter - Valarie!

You are in control my angel. It's your life now, make it worth the ride. You have only one life to live, so hold on tight and enjoy the amazing ride!

Oh Brother

You know, I wasn't blessed with a sister. I wish I had been. I know if I had a sister, we would be so close. Instead - God saw fit to bless me with brothers instead. Making I, the only girl. I am the only sister to all three of my brothers. What a strange relationship I have with them all. I have shared my time of being close to one at time throughout the years. Now, I am just done! The only one I would even consider for anything would be the youngest - my baby brother.

The oldest has spent his entire life, blaming me for what he has explained as his horrible childhood. Let me enlighten you though, I was 2 years older, and moved out when I was 16, so, that said, he was 13 when I moved out and was married. So, I couldn't have screwed up that much of his life, I mean for goodness sakes, what about my childhood? My childhood was nothing, because it was spent caring for my 3 bratty younger brothers. I will say that I have apologized more than any one person should ever have to not only to the oldest who swears I ruined his childhood, but to all of them.
Because of this blame, the blame he threw upon me, I have spent a large part of life blaming myself for everyone's problem. I blamed myself because I wasn't a good sister when he went through his first divorce, I blamed myself for not being someone the middle brother could go to and keep him off drugs, I blame myself because my youngest brother's wife cheated on him and left him, even though this was because she was idiot and a terrible wife and mother - but, still I blamed myself. Blame and guilt is something I have carried for my entire life, for one reason or another. I blamed myself for not leaving the kids dad sooner, for my parents not getting along, for my dad being a alcoholic and drinking and for my mom staying when she should have left. Well, I am done.

Do you think that my brother, the older one even calls me? Unless he's calling to yell at me for one reason or another, no he doesn't. We would go to his family get together and although invited, I always felt as an outcast to him. He doesn't tell people he has a sister. He hates me, as he always has and he can't stand my kids. In fact, the only one of my kids he even barely likes is Daniel, and other than that, he has no use for them.

I am so burdened here, I feel like I am sitting under a ton of bricks and it's time for me to to break free of these chains. Because frankly I don't care anymore. I have no desire to have a relationship anymore. I just don't want it. It's not important to me.
I have a brother who's a drug addict. You know, that is something I have never said. But, he is and it's time for me to accept that. The youngest, well, he's the baby and for the most part he's amazing. He just wants everyone to get along.

With Tim and Tasha down in Texas this year, we are going to be with them on thanksgiving. I am hoping to plan Christmas there too. I would like not to have to attend Christmas with my family at all. I am just done. All the sudden it's every year there, when I am the oldest. But, then again, I am glad they are not down here, because then I would have to entertain or get along with them. So, glad they do it up there. I already stopped going to his kids birthday parties and his togethers, because he NEVER would come to ours. We were lucky to - oh never mind....

I am tired of feeling guilty. If you go to him for something it's always about, well, let me see what I can get out of it first....I am just done.

I have my kids and they are my family. I love my parents, and I am glad for the time I get with them. But, I can remember my brother actually calling my mother and upsetting her one time, because his kids didn't get as much attention as the rest. So, ever since then, she's made sure to shower his kids - which she has done well.

I don't ask the uncles to like them, love them or even have a damn thing to do with them and I won't.

The babies of the family always get spoiled more than the rest. It's just how life goes.
But, Today, I claim my independence and I stand on a mountain and scream NO MORE!

THIS IS MY LIFE, AND I AM TAKING IT BACK. I AM CLAIMING MY LIFE AS MY OWN AND IT'S ONLY MINE. IT'S UP TO ME HOW I LIVE AND HOW I TREAT OTHERS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS AND I OWE NO ONE ANYTHING. I DON'T OWE ONE SINGLE PERSON NOT ONE SINGLE THING, I DON'T OWE EXPLANATIONS, I DON'T OWE MONEY, I DON'T OWE FRIENDSHIP, FUN, OR LAUGHTER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. BUT BECAUSE OF WANTING TO HAVE THOSE THINGS, I GIVE FREELY UNTO MY CHILDREN, UNTO MY PARENTS, BUT FOR THE REST OF THEM, I OWE THEM NOTHING.

I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. I DON'T THINK I WANT YOU HERE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN, WHEN I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE THINGS NOT REQUIRED OF ME, NOT ANYMORE.

I AM JUST SIMPLY DONE. I WILL MOVE FORWARD AND WHAT EVER WILL BE - WILL BE!

How am I

Hello Everyone,
I have been getting allot of questions asking me how I am doing, how I am feeling, how things are going, I answer as best as I can for that moment in time. But, not really an answer. So, I thought I would answer. I am posting this to my website www.knightcabin.com and I am posting it to my blog spot and somewhere on my face book.

So, how am I doing?

Well, I am in general and in my opinion, doing better. I am not using my walker or wheelchair at this point hardly at all. Every now and then I might have a rough spot and have to use my walker. I only use the cane pretty much to get me up or down from sitting usually sometimes, not all the time. I hardly ever need it to assist me in walking. There were a few months there that I didn't have my insurance and couldn't go to the Dr. to get my normal meds like diabetic medication, high blood pressure meds, etc. The only thing I could do, was go to my pain management Dr. and barely afford my pain medication. I am happy to report that I have my insurance back and I am in the process of getting back on track. We had left off at getting ready to go to the Gastronologist (or however its spelled) we'll say the colon Dr.
Because colon cancer and stomach cancer runs in my family and I am having allot of trouble, the Dr. thinks our next stop is a colon dr. for a colonopscopy (colon check) shows it mis-spelled but spell check in failing me, so - just try to follow along. Anyway, the Dr. wants to rule out any possible tumors, masses, or anything else that may be causing me to bleed out somewhere else in my body, because - I am anemic. Then he wants me to go to a Hematologist and/or an Infectious Disease Dr. So, I am in a process of waiting.
In the meantime - I am taking one day at a time.
There have been some changes. Val has finally kicked that idiot to the curb and she's doing wonderfully. Growing more and more, every single day. I am so proud of her and happy for her. Daniel and Sarah are well. They are living the married life and struggling like everyone else. Sarah is working and Daniel is working two jobs and going to school - so, he's tired. But they are doing well. Joey is well, he just joined a Christian Band that started off from our church here in Whitney and Joey has his first job now. Travis is planning to learn to play the base/bass guitar and be a part of the band too. It's called reconcile. They both are going to high school, playing in a band and working. Travis just got his Goat "Clover" for his FFA project to show. So, we are excited for them as High School is really getting under way for both of them. With them working and doing the band, plus Travis with the goat they are certainly working hard. They are keeping up with school work and grades so far. Anyway.

I have my good days and I have my bad. I have days were I am in pain and it keeps me bed bound, and then I have days where I am not in so much pain that I can't cope. On low pain days I will exercise, clean house, get my physical things done. With the weather/season change, it's a little tough to cope sometimes. I have the season of fall moving through swiftly and when it begins its race - I begin to hurt all over. But, once it's through - I am much much better. So, I am working hard and overcoming many things.

Just taking it one day at a time.

I will see a colon Dr. first, then I will see which way we go from there.


So far my diagnoses are: Chronic Pain Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Neuropathy, Trigeminal Neuralgia, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, anemia, high cholesterol, mass on my adrenal gland that's about it for the diagnosed part.

Things not diagnosed yet are:

problems with my colon, kidneys and bladder. Problems with ovarian cysts not diagnosed yet.

The Dr. believes there is an underlying illness not found yet. Auto Immune he's looking at - Such as Multiple Sclerosis - have been tested three times and no lesions on brain yet. Lupus, which has been checked and while the number was a little high it wasn't high enough to be diagnosed yet. Tested negative for Rheumatoid Arthritis.

So, while I do struggle every day. I am thankful.

I am battling depression badly right now. I find myself feeling hopeless, guilty. I have thought of ways to end it all, but have never tried. I wouldn't because of my babies.
I am on anti-depressants and I have been told and studied allot. Being depressed with chronic pain, or other chronic illnesses can have a allot to do with depression.

I can honestly tell you, I am doing my best.
I will say that being put on Morphine for my pain has been a 150% improvement.
It's been amazing and I thank God for allowing me to find the most amazing pain meangement Dr. and her ability to help me feel better and overcome.
I am a survivor of many things.

Let me say before I close, in the last few days - I have had severe pains in my hips and knees. Sometimes, I can't even get out of the bed. But, then there are times that I can. So - with that said, thanks for caring and loving me -

Tracy