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I woke up today, just like any other day. I started my day out like I do everyday.
I wonder how the day will control me. Will I be bed bound or able to exercise and get house hold things done. I evaluate my pain as I roll out of bed for my morning coffee.
When I wake I reach trembling and rolling over to my side with grunt and groans, I try to push myself up to sitting. Sometimes, it's so hard to use my arms and hands to get up, so I will reach for my pain medication and take it with my water. I give it about 30 minutes to start working. I can feel when it takes over my pain. I then start over and try again. The worst part, is if I have to potty when I wake up. This can be painful if I am forced to wait to have my morning potty. Once I am up, I make my way to bathroom and I will spare you the details of the potty session.
I make my way to the coffee pot, usually I can just get a cup because I set the pot up the night before to make coffee the next morning on a timer. (that is a life saver)
Once I make my way back to be bedroom I set myself up on my bed, grab my computer sometimes. If I am severe pain, I will just simply lay back down. I sit on my heating pads. I have two, one is usually on my hip, and another is elsewhere. It catches an arm, a hand, a knee, hip or whatever else needs heat that morning. While I am waiting for the heating pad and medication to take control I take the rest of my morning medications.
After a rest I am usually able to move about more freely. With slight pain I can continue through my day. I make a meal shake usually, then do some chores, laundry - dishes - sweeping - etc. I am extremely blessed,because sometimes I don't get to do anything that day, and my kids come in from school and take over. They help me so much. Talk to me when they get home, and then they will do dishes, cook dinner, or whatever else I may need from them. I have the best kids. I am so lucky!
When I confront my pain, I sometimes find despair. Not because of home life, or something the kids or John did to me. Its always just me. Feeling guilty because I am not a good wife or good mother, guilty because I don't do enough around here. It bothers me that anyone has to help me with anything. Anyway, that's just me.
I can tell when it's time to take my medication, my body knows and I can feel it fade. When to take the medication - it's strange, but true. That's about it, a day in the life of ME!
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
And she said "I am Done!"
Most of you know about my daughter and her low life idiot now ex boyfriend.
She finally looked up, held up her head, and looked life straight in the face, and she found her strength to walk away. I am so glad - I have my daughter back finally.
Val is much like me, when she is done with something or someone - that's it, it's done. I am the same way. Once I hit this point in my own life, that's it.
All the lies, cheating, no working, non-help in bills, finally got to Val and she stood back, and said - you know what, I can do bad all by myself.
When Val got with Valentine, it was horrible. Almost from the first moment, we were plagued with him not being the one. I thought, no one will ever treat her this bad.
Then there was Brady, I felt so guilty for their break up for so long, she loved him and he did her badly. Not just taking advantage of her - in every way possible, he left without ever saying why or goodbye, no closure. I too thought, wow he really surpassed Valentine I think, and it can't get any worse than Brady.
Then along came this idiot Tarrance. What a jerk. He did her over, upside down, inside out, he totally took advantage of my daughter. He's surpassed Brady and Valentine.
I am tired of the trash.
There's nothing harder than seeing your children hurt. There's nothing like seeing them in pain. But, I also enjoy seeing my children happy.
Valarie is smart, independent, she works and never misses work, she supports herself, she doesn't need a man to take care of her, she has her own car, her own place to live, she doesn't need a man. But, she's lovable, and shes loyal. She doesn't lie, steal or cheat, she's honest in every way possible, she loves children, animals, outside, she loves life. She's fun to be around, she's loyal and she's beautiful - inside and out!
I don't have to wonder about her, she always makes the right choice.
Valarie deserves to be loved. To be desired.
I just pray that the man that God has set aside for my daughter, comes along just in time. I am ready for the real love of her life, and she's ready to be loved.
I love my angel baby girl. I am here no matter what.
I am proud of her, I have always been proud of her, proud of all my children. But - I am proud beyond belief of my daughter - Valarie!
You are in control my angel. It's your life now, make it worth the ride. You have only one life to live, so hold on tight and enjoy the amazing ride!
She finally looked up, held up her head, and looked life straight in the face, and she found her strength to walk away. I am so glad - I have my daughter back finally.
Val is much like me, when she is done with something or someone - that's it, it's done. I am the same way. Once I hit this point in my own life, that's it.
All the lies, cheating, no working, non-help in bills, finally got to Val and she stood back, and said - you know what, I can do bad all by myself.
When Val got with Valentine, it was horrible. Almost from the first moment, we were plagued with him not being the one. I thought, no one will ever treat her this bad.
Then there was Brady, I felt so guilty for their break up for so long, she loved him and he did her badly. Not just taking advantage of her - in every way possible, he left without ever saying why or goodbye, no closure. I too thought, wow he really surpassed Valentine I think, and it can't get any worse than Brady.
Then along came this idiot Tarrance. What a jerk. He did her over, upside down, inside out, he totally took advantage of my daughter. He's surpassed Brady and Valentine.
I am tired of the trash.
There's nothing harder than seeing your children hurt. There's nothing like seeing them in pain. But, I also enjoy seeing my children happy.
Valarie is smart, independent, she works and never misses work, she supports herself, she doesn't need a man to take care of her, she has her own car, her own place to live, she doesn't need a man. But, she's lovable, and shes loyal. She doesn't lie, steal or cheat, she's honest in every way possible, she loves children, animals, outside, she loves life. She's fun to be around, she's loyal and she's beautiful - inside and out!
I don't have to wonder about her, she always makes the right choice.
Valarie deserves to be loved. To be desired.
I just pray that the man that God has set aside for my daughter, comes along just in time. I am ready for the real love of her life, and she's ready to be loved.
I love my angel baby girl. I am here no matter what.
I am proud of her, I have always been proud of her, proud of all my children. But - I am proud beyond belief of my daughter - Valarie!
You are in control my angel. It's your life now, make it worth the ride. You have only one life to live, so hold on tight and enjoy the amazing ride!
Oh Brother
You know, I wasn't blessed with a sister. I wish I had been. I know if I had a sister, we would be so close. Instead - God saw fit to bless me with brothers instead. Making I, the only girl. I am the only sister to all three of my brothers. What a strange relationship I have with them all. I have shared my time of being close to one at time throughout the years. Now, I am just done! The only one I would even consider for anything would be the youngest - my baby brother.
The oldest has spent his entire life, blaming me for what he has explained as his horrible childhood. Let me enlighten you though, I was 2 years older, and moved out when I was 16, so, that said, he was 13 when I moved out and was married. So, I couldn't have screwed up that much of his life, I mean for goodness sakes, what about my childhood? My childhood was nothing, because it was spent caring for my 3 bratty younger brothers. I will say that I have apologized more than any one person should ever have to not only to the oldest who swears I ruined his childhood, but to all of them.
Because of this blame, the blame he threw upon me, I have spent a large part of life blaming myself for everyone's problem. I blamed myself because I wasn't a good sister when he went through his first divorce, I blamed myself for not being someone the middle brother could go to and keep him off drugs, I blame myself because my youngest brother's wife cheated on him and left him, even though this was because she was idiot and a terrible wife and mother - but, still I blamed myself. Blame and guilt is something I have carried for my entire life, for one reason or another. I blamed myself for not leaving the kids dad sooner, for my parents not getting along, for my dad being a alcoholic and drinking and for my mom staying when she should have left. Well, I am done.
Do you think that my brother, the older one even calls me? Unless he's calling to yell at me for one reason or another, no he doesn't. We would go to his family get together and although invited, I always felt as an outcast to him. He doesn't tell people he has a sister. He hates me, as he always has and he can't stand my kids. In fact, the only one of my kids he even barely likes is Daniel, and other than that, he has no use for them.
I am so burdened here, I feel like I am sitting under a ton of bricks and it's time for me to to break free of these chains. Because frankly I don't care anymore. I have no desire to have a relationship anymore. I just don't want it. It's not important to me.
I have a brother who's a drug addict. You know, that is something I have never said. But, he is and it's time for me to accept that. The youngest, well, he's the baby and for the most part he's amazing. He just wants everyone to get along.
With Tim and Tasha down in Texas this year, we are going to be with them on thanksgiving. I am hoping to plan Christmas there too. I would like not to have to attend Christmas with my family at all. I am just done. All the sudden it's every year there, when I am the oldest. But, then again, I am glad they are not down here, because then I would have to entertain or get along with them. So, glad they do it up there. I already stopped going to his kids birthday parties and his togethers, because he NEVER would come to ours. We were lucky to - oh never mind....
I am tired of feeling guilty. If you go to him for something it's always about, well, let me see what I can get out of it first....I am just done.
I have my kids and they are my family. I love my parents, and I am glad for the time I get with them. But, I can remember my brother actually calling my mother and upsetting her one time, because his kids didn't get as much attention as the rest. So, ever since then, she's made sure to shower his kids - which she has done well.
I don't ask the uncles to like them, love them or even have a damn thing to do with them and I won't.
The babies of the family always get spoiled more than the rest. It's just how life goes.
But, Today, I claim my independence and I stand on a mountain and scream NO MORE!
THIS IS MY LIFE, AND I AM TAKING IT BACK. I AM CLAIMING MY LIFE AS MY OWN AND IT'S ONLY MINE. IT'S UP TO ME HOW I LIVE AND HOW I TREAT OTHERS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS AND I OWE NO ONE ANYTHING. I DON'T OWE ONE SINGLE PERSON NOT ONE SINGLE THING, I DON'T OWE EXPLANATIONS, I DON'T OWE MONEY, I DON'T OWE FRIENDSHIP, FUN, OR LAUGHTER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. BUT BECAUSE OF WANTING TO HAVE THOSE THINGS, I GIVE FREELY UNTO MY CHILDREN, UNTO MY PARENTS, BUT FOR THE REST OF THEM, I OWE THEM NOTHING.
I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. I DON'T THINK I WANT YOU HERE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN, WHEN I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE THINGS NOT REQUIRED OF ME, NOT ANYMORE.
I AM JUST SIMPLY DONE. I WILL MOVE FORWARD AND WHAT EVER WILL BE - WILL BE!
The oldest has spent his entire life, blaming me for what he has explained as his horrible childhood. Let me enlighten you though, I was 2 years older, and moved out when I was 16, so, that said, he was 13 when I moved out and was married. So, I couldn't have screwed up that much of his life, I mean for goodness sakes, what about my childhood? My childhood was nothing, because it was spent caring for my 3 bratty younger brothers. I will say that I have apologized more than any one person should ever have to not only to the oldest who swears I ruined his childhood, but to all of them.
Because of this blame, the blame he threw upon me, I have spent a large part of life blaming myself for everyone's problem. I blamed myself because I wasn't a good sister when he went through his first divorce, I blamed myself for not being someone the middle brother could go to and keep him off drugs, I blame myself because my youngest brother's wife cheated on him and left him, even though this was because she was idiot and a terrible wife and mother - but, still I blamed myself. Blame and guilt is something I have carried for my entire life, for one reason or another. I blamed myself for not leaving the kids dad sooner, for my parents not getting along, for my dad being a alcoholic and drinking and for my mom staying when she should have left. Well, I am done.
Do you think that my brother, the older one even calls me? Unless he's calling to yell at me for one reason or another, no he doesn't. We would go to his family get together and although invited, I always felt as an outcast to him. He doesn't tell people he has a sister. He hates me, as he always has and he can't stand my kids. In fact, the only one of my kids he even barely likes is Daniel, and other than that, he has no use for them.
I am so burdened here, I feel like I am sitting under a ton of bricks and it's time for me to to break free of these chains. Because frankly I don't care anymore. I have no desire to have a relationship anymore. I just don't want it. It's not important to me.
I have a brother who's a drug addict. You know, that is something I have never said. But, he is and it's time for me to accept that. The youngest, well, he's the baby and for the most part he's amazing. He just wants everyone to get along.
With Tim and Tasha down in Texas this year, we are going to be with them on thanksgiving. I am hoping to plan Christmas there too. I would like not to have to attend Christmas with my family at all. I am just done. All the sudden it's every year there, when I am the oldest. But, then again, I am glad they are not down here, because then I would have to entertain or get along with them. So, glad they do it up there. I already stopped going to his kids birthday parties and his togethers, because he NEVER would come to ours. We were lucky to - oh never mind....
I am tired of feeling guilty. If you go to him for something it's always about, well, let me see what I can get out of it first....I am just done.
I have my kids and they are my family. I love my parents, and I am glad for the time I get with them. But, I can remember my brother actually calling my mother and upsetting her one time, because his kids didn't get as much attention as the rest. So, ever since then, she's made sure to shower his kids - which she has done well.
I don't ask the uncles to like them, love them or even have a damn thing to do with them and I won't.
The babies of the family always get spoiled more than the rest. It's just how life goes.
But, Today, I claim my independence and I stand on a mountain and scream NO MORE!
THIS IS MY LIFE, AND I AM TAKING IT BACK. I AM CLAIMING MY LIFE AS MY OWN AND IT'S ONLY MINE. IT'S UP TO ME HOW I LIVE AND HOW I TREAT OTHERS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS AND I OWE NO ONE ANYTHING. I DON'T OWE ONE SINGLE PERSON NOT ONE SINGLE THING, I DON'T OWE EXPLANATIONS, I DON'T OWE MONEY, I DON'T OWE FRIENDSHIP, FUN, OR LAUGHTER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. BUT BECAUSE OF WANTING TO HAVE THOSE THINGS, I GIVE FREELY UNTO MY CHILDREN, UNTO MY PARENTS, BUT FOR THE REST OF THEM, I OWE THEM NOTHING.
I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. I DON'T THINK I WANT YOU HERE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN, WHEN I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE THINGS NOT REQUIRED OF ME, NOT ANYMORE.
I AM JUST SIMPLY DONE. I WILL MOVE FORWARD AND WHAT EVER WILL BE - WILL BE!
How am I
Hello Everyone,
I have been getting allot of questions asking me how I am doing, how I am feeling, how things are going, I answer as best as I can for that moment in time. But, not really an answer. So, I thought I would answer. I am posting this to my website www.knightcabin.com and I am posting it to my blog spot and somewhere on my face book.
So, how am I doing?
Well, I am in general and in my opinion, doing better. I am not using my walker or wheelchair at this point hardly at all. Every now and then I might have a rough spot and have to use my walker. I only use the cane pretty much to get me up or down from sitting usually sometimes, not all the time. I hardly ever need it to assist me in walking. There were a few months there that I didn't have my insurance and couldn't go to the Dr. to get my normal meds like diabetic medication, high blood pressure meds, etc. The only thing I could do, was go to my pain management Dr. and barely afford my pain medication. I am happy to report that I have my insurance back and I am in the process of getting back on track. We had left off at getting ready to go to the Gastronologist (or however its spelled) we'll say the colon Dr.
Because colon cancer and stomach cancer runs in my family and I am having allot of trouble, the Dr. thinks our next stop is a colon dr. for a colonopscopy (colon check) shows it mis-spelled but spell check in failing me, so - just try to follow along. Anyway, the Dr. wants to rule out any possible tumors, masses, or anything else that may be causing me to bleed out somewhere else in my body, because - I am anemic. Then he wants me to go to a Hematologist and/or an Infectious Disease Dr. So, I am in a process of waiting.
In the meantime - I am taking one day at a time.
There have been some changes. Val has finally kicked that idiot to the curb and she's doing wonderfully. Growing more and more, every single day. I am so proud of her and happy for her. Daniel and Sarah are well. They are living the married life and struggling like everyone else. Sarah is working and Daniel is working two jobs and going to school - so, he's tired. But they are doing well. Joey is well, he just joined a Christian Band that started off from our church here in Whitney and Joey has his first job now. Travis is planning to learn to play the base/bass guitar and be a part of the band too. It's called reconcile. They both are going to high school, playing in a band and working. Travis just got his Goat "Clover" for his FFA project to show. So, we are excited for them as High School is really getting under way for both of them. With them working and doing the band, plus Travis with the goat they are certainly working hard. They are keeping up with school work and grades so far. Anyway.
I have my good days and I have my bad. I have days were I am in pain and it keeps me bed bound, and then I have days where I am not in so much pain that I can't cope. On low pain days I will exercise, clean house, get my physical things done. With the weather/season change, it's a little tough to cope sometimes. I have the season of fall moving through swiftly and when it begins its race - I begin to hurt all over. But, once it's through - I am much much better. So, I am working hard and overcoming many things.
Just taking it one day at a time.
I will see a colon Dr. first, then I will see which way we go from there.
So far my diagnoses are: Chronic Pain Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Neuropathy, Trigeminal Neuralgia, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, anemia, high cholesterol, mass on my adrenal gland that's about it for the diagnosed part.
Things not diagnosed yet are:
problems with my colon, kidneys and bladder. Problems with ovarian cysts not diagnosed yet.
The Dr. believes there is an underlying illness not found yet. Auto Immune he's looking at - Such as Multiple Sclerosis - have been tested three times and no lesions on brain yet. Lupus, which has been checked and while the number was a little high it wasn't high enough to be diagnosed yet. Tested negative for Rheumatoid Arthritis.
So, while I do struggle every day. I am thankful.
I am battling depression badly right now. I find myself feeling hopeless, guilty. I have thought of ways to end it all, but have never tried. I wouldn't because of my babies.
I am on anti-depressants and I have been told and studied allot. Being depressed with chronic pain, or other chronic illnesses can have a allot to do with depression.
I can honestly tell you, I am doing my best.
I will say that being put on Morphine for my pain has been a 150% improvement.
It's been amazing and I thank God for allowing me to find the most amazing pain meangement Dr. and her ability to help me feel better and overcome.
I am a survivor of many things.
Let me say before I close, in the last few days - I have had severe pains in my hips and knees. Sometimes, I can't even get out of the bed. But, then there are times that I can. So - with that said, thanks for caring and loving me -
Tracy
I have been getting allot of questions asking me how I am doing, how I am feeling, how things are going, I answer as best as I can for that moment in time. But, not really an answer. So, I thought I would answer. I am posting this to my website www.knightcabin.com and I am posting it to my blog spot and somewhere on my face book.
So, how am I doing?
Well, I am in general and in my opinion, doing better. I am not using my walker or wheelchair at this point hardly at all. Every now and then I might have a rough spot and have to use my walker. I only use the cane pretty much to get me up or down from sitting usually sometimes, not all the time. I hardly ever need it to assist me in walking. There were a few months there that I didn't have my insurance and couldn't go to the Dr. to get my normal meds like diabetic medication, high blood pressure meds, etc. The only thing I could do, was go to my pain management Dr. and barely afford my pain medication. I am happy to report that I have my insurance back and I am in the process of getting back on track. We had left off at getting ready to go to the Gastronologist (or however its spelled) we'll say the colon Dr.
Because colon cancer and stomach cancer runs in my family and I am having allot of trouble, the Dr. thinks our next stop is a colon dr. for a colonopscopy (colon check) shows it mis-spelled but spell check in failing me, so - just try to follow along. Anyway, the Dr. wants to rule out any possible tumors, masses, or anything else that may be causing me to bleed out somewhere else in my body, because - I am anemic. Then he wants me to go to a Hematologist and/or an Infectious Disease Dr. So, I am in a process of waiting.
In the meantime - I am taking one day at a time.
There have been some changes. Val has finally kicked that idiot to the curb and she's doing wonderfully. Growing more and more, every single day. I am so proud of her and happy for her. Daniel and Sarah are well. They are living the married life and struggling like everyone else. Sarah is working and Daniel is working two jobs and going to school - so, he's tired. But they are doing well. Joey is well, he just joined a Christian Band that started off from our church here in Whitney and Joey has his first job now. Travis is planning to learn to play the base/bass guitar and be a part of the band too. It's called reconcile. They both are going to high school, playing in a band and working. Travis just got his Goat "Clover" for his FFA project to show. So, we are excited for them as High School is really getting under way for both of them. With them working and doing the band, plus Travis with the goat they are certainly working hard. They are keeping up with school work and grades so far. Anyway.
I have my good days and I have my bad. I have days were I am in pain and it keeps me bed bound, and then I have days where I am not in so much pain that I can't cope. On low pain days I will exercise, clean house, get my physical things done. With the weather/season change, it's a little tough to cope sometimes. I have the season of fall moving through swiftly and when it begins its race - I begin to hurt all over. But, once it's through - I am much much better. So, I am working hard and overcoming many things.
Just taking it one day at a time.
I will see a colon Dr. first, then I will see which way we go from there.
So far my diagnoses are: Chronic Pain Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Neuropathy, Trigeminal Neuralgia, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, anemia, high cholesterol, mass on my adrenal gland that's about it for the diagnosed part.
Things not diagnosed yet are:
problems with my colon, kidneys and bladder. Problems with ovarian cysts not diagnosed yet.
The Dr. believes there is an underlying illness not found yet. Auto Immune he's looking at - Such as Multiple Sclerosis - have been tested three times and no lesions on brain yet. Lupus, which has been checked and while the number was a little high it wasn't high enough to be diagnosed yet. Tested negative for Rheumatoid Arthritis.
So, while I do struggle every day. I am thankful.
I am battling depression badly right now. I find myself feeling hopeless, guilty. I have thought of ways to end it all, but have never tried. I wouldn't because of my babies.
I am on anti-depressants and I have been told and studied allot. Being depressed with chronic pain, or other chronic illnesses can have a allot to do with depression.
I can honestly tell you, I am doing my best.
I will say that being put on Morphine for my pain has been a 150% improvement.
It's been amazing and I thank God for allowing me to find the most amazing pain meangement Dr. and her ability to help me feel better and overcome.
I am a survivor of many things.
Let me say before I close, in the last few days - I have had severe pains in my hips and knees. Sometimes, I can't even get out of the bed. But, then there are times that I can. So - with that said, thanks for caring and loving me -
Tracy
Monday, August 31, 2009
LETTER ABOUT PAIN
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE FLYLADY ROUTINES - I AM ENJOYING IT MORE AND MORE. WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE FLY LADY IS THAT I CAN ADAPT THE ROUTINES TO FIT MY LIFE. I CAN ADD OR TAKE AWAY, I CAN REARRANGE AND FIT THINGS WHERE THEY NEED TO GO. FOR EXAMPLE, ON A FLY LADY WEEKLY ROUTINE, THEY HAVE TUESDAY AS A FREE DAY AND THURSDAY IS ERRAND DAY, SO I REARRANGED, BECAUSE MY MONTHLY DR. H VISIT FALLS ON A TUESDAY, I MADE THAT MY ERRAND DAY. SO, I CAN RUN THE ERRANDS I NEED TO ON THAT DAY, WHILE I AM OUT. SINCE I DON'T LIKE TO GET OUT MUCH, THIS WAS PERFECT - ONE DAY TO PUSH MY BUTT THROUGH THE DOOR.
THEN ON THURSDAY I REARRANGED, AND I MADE MY FREE/OFF DAY AS MONDAY. MY REASON IS BECAUSE WE ARE PRETTY BUSY ON THE WEEKENDS. IT USUALLY TAKES ALL DAY MONDAY TO RECOVER FROM THE WEEKEND. SO, I CAN ADAPT THE ROUTINES AND SCHEDULES TO FIT MY LIFE.
TAKE A LOOK AT FLY LADY.COM TODAY AND CHECK IT OUT. WITH MY BEING UNABLE TO WALK WELL OR BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF SOMETIMES HAVING TO WORK AROUND THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. BUT, I CAN SPEND 15 MINUTES DOING ANYTHING. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN 15 MINUTES TOO.
THIS FLY LADY STUFF REALLY HAS ME GOING AND IT FITS MY WIEGHT WATCHERS STUFF TOO. I LOVE IT, AND I THINK YOU WILL TOO.
I AM REALLY DOING THOSE BABY STEPS AND I AM A FLY BABY!!!
I AM GONNA GET A FEW THINGS FROM THE FLY LADY STORE TOO. LIKE THE STAINLESS STEEL, SWEAT FREE WATER BOTTLE! I AM GONNA GET ONE FOR MY MOM TOO. IT'S PRETTY PLUS IT FITS MY LIFE WELL. SO - A FEW THINGS TO HELP ME OUT WILL MAKE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER.
SO, THERE'S MY UPDATE ON FLY BABY!
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Monday, August 24, 2009 9:24 AM
A Letter to ANYONE about my PAIN
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
........
A letter about my pain
Dear Loved Ones;
I have been thinking lately, how often I get asked about my pain, or how I struggle and make it through the pain. I have been asked if I would share my experience of being a pain patient, what I go through on a daily basis, the struggles I face, and the importance of my medications and my therapy that exist in my life. I thought about this and I felt the best way to do this was to share what other Pain sufferers have wrote and shared with me, and add in my own experience as well. I found after reading a similar letter as this one here, on an RSD website showed that a one Mr. Orsini, a pain sufferer for more than 30 years set up a wonderful template for any of us to follow in order to show what a typical day in the life of any Pain patient was like. That was found at http://www.ctpainfoundation.com.
I myself have had Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) for over 6 years now, since 2002, That's just diagnosed thought, in October of 2002, it isn't the count of how long I have had TN. I have had TN since birth and a slap to a face set of the nerve pain higher than ever before and it spiraled downhill from there. It still took eleven years to diagnos. I had been in severe pain from just the TN alone since July of 1992. Although I have several other pain disorders as well as possible RSD, I have chosen to concentrate on all of them and not just one in particular. Since they all complicate my life.
To name a few I also have Neuropathy diagnosed in 2008, Fibromyalgia diagnosed in 2008, Nerve Damage, Arthritis, Asthma, Carpal Tunnel in both hands diagnosed in 2002, Pluerisy, Siatica Nerve Pain scine I was age 10 years, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Depression, Anxiety, and not to mention the few I am still being tested for such as RSD, MS, Lupus and a few others - the list never ends for me. So Chronic Pain and I are very old and very close friends. As a result, I have come to know my pain well. What it means, what I must do to accomodate that pain for that day, what I must take and how I must accomplish even a simple day of living. Just to make it to the next day.
I first developed TN when I was very young. Being misdiagnosed with ear issues fron a very early age, The pain became more severe after an attack caused even more damage to the nerve. I began to know pain like never before. Over the last 6 plus years I have talked to many other TN patients and other Pain patients of all ages and we all experience pretty much the same things with minor differences here and there. Some have more serious pain, some have less...
I have actually had people tell me, "It must be nice to not have to work” or “To just sit home all day, and do nothing” and “your lucky",or “ What do you do all day, Watch T.V.” If I thought they were really interested in a reply to these ridiculous statements I would tell them that having TN and/or other Chronic Pain Diseases, such as my fibromyalgia, however severely you have it, is much more work than ANY full-time job! And we don’t get to call in sick, get vacation days, and our work week is 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
As an example for those who do care but are unsure what a typical day is for us, I will try to explain. Please don't take this letter as mean-spirited or hateful in anyway, I know some of it may be hard to read. It is not an attack, we just want our voices heard.
Now understand that quite a few TN patients, RSD patients (also known as RSDers) and CP (Chronic Pain), and Neuropathy patients have other diseases as well as RSD, TN etc. such as Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis etc., and that some RSDers have RSD in one limb and for others it is more, some have less movement while others a little more. Some take a few medications and some take a lot more. Some TN patients suffer with only one side while others have both sides, same with fibromyalgia, some have it less than others.. this is a true statement no matter your illness, disease, or disorder. Everyone also handles pain differently than others. For myself, from an early age, I learned to handle pain, and as a result I have a pain tolerance unlike most others.
I myself take a little over about 20 pills a day (not all different ones, but altogether). Contrary to some people's opinions taking a bunch of medications does not make us ""druggies". A "druggie" is someone who takes drugs for recreation. A pain patient is someone who takes medication because he/she has no choice and who can not have some sort of normal day without them, you see we don’t get HIGH from them and none of us can fathom someone who takes narcotics for "fun and/or recreation!”
There are patients who use different types of machines or who have Spinal Column Stimulators or Pump units installed within their bodies in an attempt to reduce their pain, and of course some deal with the wheelchair issue as well. I have dealt with the wheelchair, walker and cane for over a year now. A few patients, the lucky ones at least, also do some form of physical therapy such as swimming, weights, massage, to help them continue to be able to do the basics things like walking and using their hands, feet, arms, etc. Most pain sufferers can not do Physical Therapy because the consequences are worse than the help, because if you aggravate the nerve it can cripple you for days if not weeks. The bottom line is that I can assure you that most patients deal with the same issues. The idea is to give you an understanding of the issues we face every day so forgive for me for making generalizations. If I spend a day of shopping or out for sightseeing while on vacation, it takes sometimes 2 days to recover from such simple activity as walking around for a few hours.
First, lets start with the sleep patterns. Unlike "normal" people all pain patients are prone to insomnia and do not get the deep REM sleep. This is the healing sleep our bodies need each day. We either wake often or are in a drug induced sleep. When we do wake, it is physically painful to actually get up and get out of bed.
Why don't we sleep? It is because RSD and many other chronic pain disorders cause changes to the Limbic system of the brain. The limbic system is that part of the brain that controls insomnia, short-term memory, concentration, irritability, ability to find the right word when speaking, and more.
We start our day with medications of course. The first of many such times per day. To "look fine" we take 10 to 30 or more pills a day for various symptoms. Then there are the side effects of those medications to deal with; upset stomach, drowsiness, diahhrea; constipation, headaches, and others. Many also have to fight the "Dry-Eye Syndrome" and must use eye drops two or more times per day and lets not forget the dry mouth we get to enjoy all day long too.
Understand that these pills do not take all of the pain away. They just enable us to get up, move around, and have some semblance of a "normal" life. They allow us to function to a degree. I must say here, that sometimes, the “pills” don't even let me function, but cut the pain down enough to not want to give up...
Then a few pain sufferers head to Physical Therapy such as pool exercise or range of motion therapy, massage therapy, and even acupuncture. For the patients for whom these things work, they are lifesavers. Like the medications they allow us to function, to be a part of our families, to enjoy part of each day, and for some they actually give us a reason to get up in the morning.
These aren't luxuries but necessities for those who can physically do them. There can be month's even years, when the allodynia is too high to do even these simple things. Allodynia is when even the lightest touches, sounds, or light cause extreme pain. Maybe the person sitting next to you at dinner touches your RSD arm, your fibro stricken arm/hand or your RSD, or fibro foot gets accidentally kicked at the pew at Church, or your RSD, Fibromyalgia leg gets bumped into at school; or the touch of a loved one as a loving carress across your face sends you into a pain attack like no other. All these things seem harmless to the average person and they may not understand how they could ever cause pain to a chronic pain patient, but trust me, they can and do. Some people can even have a slight breeze cause them pain. Like with TN – the wind barely crosses your face and you can be curled up in pain for hours.
I know what you are thinking, that is crazy. No. That is RSD/Fibromyalgia/TN/Neuropathy. If you think its crazy, and I am telling you from a knowledge background, think how a patient feels when they start forgetting things, especially when their pain is high? Or when the slightest touch, even the caress of a loved one, the kiss from a spouse, the touch of the sheet on the foot or your face, the tightness of a sock, sometimes even the very breeze itself blowing over the body can cause such pain to the patient it will bring tears to their eyes.
And when their friends and loved ones sit there and just can not imagine when they try to explain how it causes pain that hurts them even more. When a disconnected Dr doesn't believe you that is bad enough but when a loved one can not understand you it hurts almost as much as the pain. And let me set the record straight here on the pain, there is no pain like the pain of RSD/CRPS. That isn't just from a patient or an advocate, it is documented in multiple tests. But, there is also no pain like that of TN either, it is said that TN is in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice, it called the suicide disease too which is also documented in multiple tests.
RSD is ranked on the McGill Pain Index as the MOST PAINFUL FORM OF CHRONIC PAIN THAT EXISTS TODAY! To put that in perspective, having a limb chopped off is less painful, or giving birth is even less painful. If interested look up THE MCGILL PAIN INDEX, which is recognized by every major medical group in the country and Europe. Trigeminal Neuralgia is also listed in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice today. So, to have these two together is already stressful,and more painful than your worst pain ever experienced then you can always add the finbromyalgia pain to these I already suffer from and while your at it, drop in a few cup fuls of Neuropathy.
As you can see on the scale of the MCGILL PAIN INDEX TABLE, Arthritis pain is ranked about a 18, Cancer pain, a 24, Chronic Back Pain, a 26, and then RSD/CRPS is ranked a whopping 42! The only thing close to RSD pain is the amputation of a limp but that is quick, RSD/FIBROMYALGIA/TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA, AND NEUROPTHY is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Does that bring it home to you?
It is a pain absolutely like no other. When people ask me to describe it to them the best I can do is say Imagine if you had RSD in your hand and arm. Now empty the blood vessels in your hand and arm out and refill them with lighter fluid and light them on fire and keep them lit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now imagine no one else can see the flames or believe that the pain is that bad no matter what you say. Another way to describe it as such a deep ache that it feels like the bones are being crushed. The company that produces Lyrica has some awesome ads in national magazines, which show a pair of legs being swarmed by millions of fire biting ants, standing on hot coals. That is RSD. Lyrica is also used for nueropathy and finbromyalgia pain.
For Trigeminal Neuralgia imagine your worst tooth or ear ache ever, multiply it by about 100, then apply it to every tooth and in the side of your face all on one side and withf no end, no break in the pain, and imagine yourself not being able to even function for hours, to days, to weeks, to months, that is TN.
Whether we patients are walking for therapy, which I assure you is as painful as it is necessary, or doing things that remind us we are alive there is always a price to pay in extra pain directly afterwards, or even the next day and/or for a week. On top of that you have the severe depression that comes with any pain disorder. Almost nobody realizes that pain sufferers are always depressed, it is not all physiological, you see Pain receptors eat up all of you serotonin, which we need to keep depression away, and vice versa, if we get upset or are sadden then the pain becomes even worse.
We Chronic Pain patients are cognizant of that every day. While the average person can sit there and say "Go ahead and enjoy the day, you can't let your pain control your life!" What they don't realize is that we are controlling our pain and not the other way around. We control our pain by controlling what we do, Where we go, who we see, and so forth.
What do I mean by doing things to remind us we are alive? When we spend some time trying to help our spouse with daily chores around the house, reading a book, playing with our pets, going to a movie, grocery shopping, running errands, attending a family gathering, or even hanging Christmas ornaments on the tree. Things that make us feel normal, if only for a few hours. No matter how painful, we will still try to push through to make it the best we can. We push so we feel normal to some degree.
Unfortunately some people who see you during these "good times" as I call them, believe that is how you are the entire day. What they don’t see is the pain you experienced that night and/or the next day because of what you just did. Nor do they take into account all the medications you took before and/or afterwards to be able to do that or the fact that you probably had to spend a great deal more time resting afterwards. They never realize how depressed you get because your always trying to put on a smile, so they will not feel uncomfortable. We are not just trying to push through for own sanity but also for that of yours, so you don't think we are loosing the battle. When we went on Vacation to San Antonio and went to Sea Worrld, I spent the entire day before sleeping and resting. I still had to do the last half of the day with my walker. I then took almost an entire week to recover just from the week of vacation we had.
The same is true for patients who go to the computer to get support from others with the same diseases or disorders they have - through cyberpals, listservs or websites. Many non-patients do not understand that it is the time we spend there that keeps us going each day and informs us of new procedures or medications and educates not only ourselves but our loved ones, and sometimes even our DRs., about how to cope/treat the chronic pain we feel. For most of us it is our lifeline, not our toy. The time we spend on the computer is absolutely necessary to our general well-being for it is there we can talk with others who truly understand what we deal with every day and every minute. It is the computer that allows us to connect with others, to take our minds off of the pain, even if only for a few moments. When I reach about a 7 or 8 on “MY PAIN SCALE” is when being on the computer doesn't help at all. Up to that point I can loose myself in my laptop. But, at my level of about 7 ½ to 8 – it is to the bed to cover up, curl up, with pain medication, heating pads, dark and cool room.
Many of us have to nap in the afternoon to rest our bodies. One of the problems this leads to is when our loved ones try to do something nice for us and plan a whole day of activities. It is just too much for us. We have to change our thinking to moderation. Can you imagine how difficult it would be if your spouse or lover wanted to surprise you for oh, let's say Valentines Day and they went through the planning of a day full of fun, love, laughter, good food, massage, gifts, and love making. But, you couldn't even make it through half the day. It's hard to imagine and equally as hard accept.
It is much easier to do something in the late morning or early afternoon. Usually mid to late afternoon we are done for the day. You also have to factor in your physical therapy and Drs appointments as sometimes these things wear us out for the day.
Another strange symptom that has to be factored in to our daily lives is that many of us are bothered by vibrations, noise, light and even an off comment can actually make the pain skyrocket! I believe that when you live with chronic pain daily, that your so on edge and defensive that you Due to the noise, light, vibrations or even an off comment which cause us extra pain for instance, there are a lot of things I cannot do or places I cannot go sometimes, and again, I am just an example of many out there. Places most people take for granted and wonder why we are not there or not talking on the phone, why we can not go to family or friends houses sometimes, why we rarely speak on the phone to others after mid day if at all, or why sometimes crowded areas are off limits.
If there are a lot of people making noise for example, even if it is simply singing or clapping, even family gatherings, have to be cut short sometimes due to all the typical regular noise generated or go off to another room, where you need to sit in the dark. Going to families or friends can also become depressing due to the fact, you either can not join in to the activities, you can not take the noise, or someone might say something off key which upsets you.
Imagine saying to your boss, "Sir, I have to go home, the thunder is causing me great pain and the wind blowing so strong hurts as well." Oh yeah, they would love that. Sorry I can't come to your birthday party because there will be too many people having fun and enjoying themselves and making noise. Yeah, that makes sense! Can you imagine the restrictions us parents with kids have to place on our children or granchildren so as not to hurt their painful “HOT SPOTS”, after all kids will be kids. How about dealing with the fact that you always wanted kids with your spouse but because your pain disease is getting worse, you can not have them, first because it would be to much of a strain on your spouse, second and most important it would not be fair to the child, growing up watching a parent suffer and get worse, and the disappointment on unable to play a catch with them or go to their first day of school. It would be selfish of us to have a child just to make ourselves happy and not think of that child’s well being for the rest of their lives. I have four and no more, because I realised with the chronic pain diseases, my pain wouldn't allow me to have anymore children.
I have heard so many stories from so many people with “CHRONIC PAIN” whose siblings, spouses, and parents, tell them how they are just babying their pain, that they need get out of bed more, that they stay home and do nothing all day, or the best is they do not feel they are respected for the few things they try and accomplish each day, ect. Great advice from the uneducated and seemingly uncaring. Instead of saying things like that, why not read up on the disease, go to the web and do some research, see what the truth is regarding the pain, see how depression of a pain patient can be helped, maybe attend a support group with them, if your really concerned that much about their well-being then these would be the proper steps. You don’t know how much it would mean to the patient if you took just an hour here and there to do that.
Our medications, our therapies, and of course our spouses are what get us through each day. The value of these things can not be measured. It seems no one appreciates what a spouse does for the patient, they see everything, the mood swings, spasms, crying, pleading, and the agony they go through. I have been blessed with a wife who puts up with all of this, works, and comforts me relentlessly no matter how many times I complain about the same thing.
Pain does not just bring physiological changes to our body but psychological ones as well. That doesn't mean our lives end, they just change. And CHRONIC PAIN patients require tools to make those changes possible. Tools that include medication, various therapies, exercise, diet changes, and lots of support. You can be a positive part of it or you can be a hindrance, it is totally up to you.
Now some may view this as being obsessed with the disease, that we think of nothing else but our disease, our pain, that we are too focused on it and that is why we are so depressed, so sad, we hurt so much. Seriously, the fact is that for us, CHRONIC PAIN is our life. It has to be factored into every decision we make, if it isn't we will pay for it later, as will our loved ones. So we need to work within it, we need to keep our minds busy in order to keep ahead of the disease. Constant Pain is a funny thing it always reminds you.
My wife and I often worry that our friends and family will get sick and tired of talking about Pain, and suffering with us. But then we think, it is no different than if we had cancer or MS, or MD, (which some pain sufferers have). People are just used to hearing those words more. Yes we will lose some people along the way, whether it be friends or family that is inevitable, some just will never try to understand or never believe in something they can not see but we will also gain some new wonderful supportive friends and those will be amazing true friends who will be in it for the long haul.
I hope this gave you some sort of idea, what a regular day is for a person who suffers from any of the many pain disorders. There are many groups and foundations set up to help people who suffer from pain and their families.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter/article, hopefully this is the first step in the right direction. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at tracytn@live.com
Tracy Knight
Phone suppot for the DFW Area for the Trigeminal Neuralgia
THEN ON THURSDAY I REARRANGED, AND I MADE MY FREE/OFF DAY AS MONDAY. MY REASON IS BECAUSE WE ARE PRETTY BUSY ON THE WEEKENDS. IT USUALLY TAKES ALL DAY MONDAY TO RECOVER FROM THE WEEKEND. SO, I CAN ADAPT THE ROUTINES AND SCHEDULES TO FIT MY LIFE.
TAKE A LOOK AT FLY LADY.COM TODAY AND CHECK IT OUT. WITH MY BEING UNABLE TO WALK WELL OR BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF SOMETIMES HAVING TO WORK AROUND THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. BUT, I CAN SPEND 15 MINUTES DOING ANYTHING. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN 15 MINUTES TOO.
THIS FLY LADY STUFF REALLY HAS ME GOING AND IT FITS MY WIEGHT WATCHERS STUFF TOO. I LOVE IT, AND I THINK YOU WILL TOO.
I AM REALLY DOING THOSE BABY STEPS AND I AM A FLY BABY!!!
I AM GONNA GET A FEW THINGS FROM THE FLY LADY STORE TOO. LIKE THE STAINLESS STEEL, SWEAT FREE WATER BOTTLE! I AM GONNA GET ONE FOR MY MOM TOO. IT'S PRETTY PLUS IT FITS MY LIFE WELL. SO - A FEW THINGS TO HELP ME OUT WILL MAKE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER.
SO, THERE'S MY UPDATE ON FLY BABY!
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Monday, August 24, 2009 9:24 AM
A Letter to ANYONE about my PAIN
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
........
A letter about my pain
Dear Loved Ones;
I have been thinking lately, how often I get asked about my pain, or how I struggle and make it through the pain. I have been asked if I would share my experience of being a pain patient, what I go through on a daily basis, the struggles I face, and the importance of my medications and my therapy that exist in my life. I thought about this and I felt the best way to do this was to share what other Pain sufferers have wrote and shared with me, and add in my own experience as well. I found after reading a similar letter as this one here, on an RSD website showed that a one Mr. Orsini, a pain sufferer for more than 30 years set up a wonderful template for any of us to follow in order to show what a typical day in the life of any Pain patient was like. That was found at http://www.ctpainfoundation.com.
I myself have had Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) for over 6 years now, since 2002, That's just diagnosed thought, in October of 2002, it isn't the count of how long I have had TN. I have had TN since birth and a slap to a face set of the nerve pain higher than ever before and it spiraled downhill from there. It still took eleven years to diagnos. I had been in severe pain from just the TN alone since July of 1992. Although I have several other pain disorders as well as possible RSD, I have chosen to concentrate on all of them and not just one in particular. Since they all complicate my life.
To name a few I also have Neuropathy diagnosed in 2008, Fibromyalgia diagnosed in 2008, Nerve Damage, Arthritis, Asthma, Carpal Tunnel in both hands diagnosed in 2002, Pluerisy, Siatica Nerve Pain scine I was age 10 years, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Depression, Anxiety, and not to mention the few I am still being tested for such as RSD, MS, Lupus and a few others - the list never ends for me. So Chronic Pain and I are very old and very close friends. As a result, I have come to know my pain well. What it means, what I must do to accomodate that pain for that day, what I must take and how I must accomplish even a simple day of living. Just to make it to the next day.
I first developed TN when I was very young. Being misdiagnosed with ear issues fron a very early age, The pain became more severe after an attack caused even more damage to the nerve. I began to know pain like never before. Over the last 6 plus years I have talked to many other TN patients and other Pain patients of all ages and we all experience pretty much the same things with minor differences here and there. Some have more serious pain, some have less...
I have actually had people tell me, "It must be nice to not have to work” or “To just sit home all day, and do nothing” and “your lucky",or “ What do you do all day, Watch T.V.” If I thought they were really interested in a reply to these ridiculous statements I would tell them that having TN and/or other Chronic Pain Diseases, such as my fibromyalgia, however severely you have it, is much more work than ANY full-time job! And we don’t get to call in sick, get vacation days, and our work week is 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
As an example for those who do care but are unsure what a typical day is for us, I will try to explain. Please don't take this letter as mean-spirited or hateful in anyway, I know some of it may be hard to read. It is not an attack, we just want our voices heard.
Now understand that quite a few TN patients, RSD patients (also known as RSDers) and CP (Chronic Pain), and Neuropathy patients have other diseases as well as RSD, TN etc. such as Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis etc., and that some RSDers have RSD in one limb and for others it is more, some have less movement while others a little more. Some take a few medications and some take a lot more. Some TN patients suffer with only one side while others have both sides, same with fibromyalgia, some have it less than others.. this is a true statement no matter your illness, disease, or disorder. Everyone also handles pain differently than others. For myself, from an early age, I learned to handle pain, and as a result I have a pain tolerance unlike most others.
I myself take a little over about 20 pills a day (not all different ones, but altogether). Contrary to some people's opinions taking a bunch of medications does not make us ""druggies". A "druggie" is someone who takes drugs for recreation. A pain patient is someone who takes medication because he/she has no choice and who can not have some sort of normal day without them, you see we don’t get HIGH from them and none of us can fathom someone who takes narcotics for "fun and/or recreation!”
There are patients who use different types of machines or who have Spinal Column Stimulators or Pump units installed within their bodies in an attempt to reduce their pain, and of course some deal with the wheelchair issue as well. I have dealt with the wheelchair, walker and cane for over a year now. A few patients, the lucky ones at least, also do some form of physical therapy such as swimming, weights, massage, to help them continue to be able to do the basics things like walking and using their hands, feet, arms, etc. Most pain sufferers can not do Physical Therapy because the consequences are worse than the help, because if you aggravate the nerve it can cripple you for days if not weeks. The bottom line is that I can assure you that most patients deal with the same issues. The idea is to give you an understanding of the issues we face every day so forgive for me for making generalizations. If I spend a day of shopping or out for sightseeing while on vacation, it takes sometimes 2 days to recover from such simple activity as walking around for a few hours.
First, lets start with the sleep patterns. Unlike "normal" people all pain patients are prone to insomnia and do not get the deep REM sleep. This is the healing sleep our bodies need each day. We either wake often or are in a drug induced sleep. When we do wake, it is physically painful to actually get up and get out of bed.
Why don't we sleep? It is because RSD and many other chronic pain disorders cause changes to the Limbic system of the brain. The limbic system is that part of the brain that controls insomnia, short-term memory, concentration, irritability, ability to find the right word when speaking, and more.
We start our day with medications of course. The first of many such times per day. To "look fine" we take 10 to 30 or more pills a day for various symptoms. Then there are the side effects of those medications to deal with; upset stomach, drowsiness, diahhrea; constipation, headaches, and others. Many also have to fight the "Dry-Eye Syndrome" and must use eye drops two or more times per day and lets not forget the dry mouth we get to enjoy all day long too.
Understand that these pills do not take all of the pain away. They just enable us to get up, move around, and have some semblance of a "normal" life. They allow us to function to a degree. I must say here, that sometimes, the “pills” don't even let me function, but cut the pain down enough to not want to give up...
Then a few pain sufferers head to Physical Therapy such as pool exercise or range of motion therapy, massage therapy, and even acupuncture. For the patients for whom these things work, they are lifesavers. Like the medications they allow us to function, to be a part of our families, to enjoy part of each day, and for some they actually give us a reason to get up in the morning.
These aren't luxuries but necessities for those who can physically do them. There can be month's even years, when the allodynia is too high to do even these simple things. Allodynia is when even the lightest touches, sounds, or light cause extreme pain. Maybe the person sitting next to you at dinner touches your RSD arm, your fibro stricken arm/hand or your RSD, or fibro foot gets accidentally kicked at the pew at Church, or your RSD, Fibromyalgia leg gets bumped into at school; or the touch of a loved one as a loving carress across your face sends you into a pain attack like no other. All these things seem harmless to the average person and they may not understand how they could ever cause pain to a chronic pain patient, but trust me, they can and do. Some people can even have a slight breeze cause them pain. Like with TN – the wind barely crosses your face and you can be curled up in pain for hours.
I know what you are thinking, that is crazy. No. That is RSD/Fibromyalgia/TN/Neuropathy. If you think its crazy, and I am telling you from a knowledge background, think how a patient feels when they start forgetting things, especially when their pain is high? Or when the slightest touch, even the caress of a loved one, the kiss from a spouse, the touch of the sheet on the foot or your face, the tightness of a sock, sometimes even the very breeze itself blowing over the body can cause such pain to the patient it will bring tears to their eyes.
And when their friends and loved ones sit there and just can not imagine when they try to explain how it causes pain that hurts them even more. When a disconnected Dr doesn't believe you that is bad enough but when a loved one can not understand you it hurts almost as much as the pain. And let me set the record straight here on the pain, there is no pain like the pain of RSD/CRPS. That isn't just from a patient or an advocate, it is documented in multiple tests. But, there is also no pain like that of TN either, it is said that TN is in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice, it called the suicide disease too which is also documented in multiple tests.
RSD is ranked on the McGill Pain Index as the MOST PAINFUL FORM OF CHRONIC PAIN THAT EXISTS TODAY! To put that in perspective, having a limb chopped off is less painful, or giving birth is even less painful. If interested look up THE MCGILL PAIN INDEX, which is recognized by every major medical group in the country and Europe. Trigeminal Neuralgia is also listed in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice today. So, to have these two together is already stressful,and more painful than your worst pain ever experienced then you can always add the finbromyalgia pain to these I already suffer from and while your at it, drop in a few cup fuls of Neuropathy.
As you can see on the scale of the MCGILL PAIN INDEX TABLE, Arthritis pain is ranked about a 18, Cancer pain, a 24, Chronic Back Pain, a 26, and then RSD/CRPS is ranked a whopping 42! The only thing close to RSD pain is the amputation of a limp but that is quick, RSD/FIBROMYALGIA/TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA, AND NEUROPTHY is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Does that bring it home to you?
It is a pain absolutely like no other. When people ask me to describe it to them the best I can do is say Imagine if you had RSD in your hand and arm. Now empty the blood vessels in your hand and arm out and refill them with lighter fluid and light them on fire and keep them lit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now imagine no one else can see the flames or believe that the pain is that bad no matter what you say. Another way to describe it as such a deep ache that it feels like the bones are being crushed. The company that produces Lyrica has some awesome ads in national magazines, which show a pair of legs being swarmed by millions of fire biting ants, standing on hot coals. That is RSD. Lyrica is also used for nueropathy and finbromyalgia pain.
For Trigeminal Neuralgia imagine your worst tooth or ear ache ever, multiply it by about 100, then apply it to every tooth and in the side of your face all on one side and withf no end, no break in the pain, and imagine yourself not being able to even function for hours, to days, to weeks, to months, that is TN.
Whether we patients are walking for therapy, which I assure you is as painful as it is necessary, or doing things that remind us we are alive there is always a price to pay in extra pain directly afterwards, or even the next day and/or for a week. On top of that you have the severe depression that comes with any pain disorder. Almost nobody realizes that pain sufferers are always depressed, it is not all physiological, you see Pain receptors eat up all of you serotonin, which we need to keep depression away, and vice versa, if we get upset or are sadden then the pain becomes even worse.
We Chronic Pain patients are cognizant of that every day. While the average person can sit there and say "Go ahead and enjoy the day, you can't let your pain control your life!" What they don't realize is that we are controlling our pain and not the other way around. We control our pain by controlling what we do, Where we go, who we see, and so forth.
What do I mean by doing things to remind us we are alive? When we spend some time trying to help our spouse with daily chores around the house, reading a book, playing with our pets, going to a movie, grocery shopping, running errands, attending a family gathering, or even hanging Christmas ornaments on the tree. Things that make us feel normal, if only for a few hours. No matter how painful, we will still try to push through to make it the best we can. We push so we feel normal to some degree.
Unfortunately some people who see you during these "good times" as I call them, believe that is how you are the entire day. What they don’t see is the pain you experienced that night and/or the next day because of what you just did. Nor do they take into account all the medications you took before and/or afterwards to be able to do that or the fact that you probably had to spend a great deal more time resting afterwards. They never realize how depressed you get because your always trying to put on a smile, so they will not feel uncomfortable. We are not just trying to push through for own sanity but also for that of yours, so you don't think we are loosing the battle. When we went on Vacation to San Antonio and went to Sea Worrld, I spent the entire day before sleeping and resting. I still had to do the last half of the day with my walker. I then took almost an entire week to recover just from the week of vacation we had.
The same is true for patients who go to the computer to get support from others with the same diseases or disorders they have - through cyberpals, listservs or websites. Many non-patients do not understand that it is the time we spend there that keeps us going each day and informs us of new procedures or medications and educates not only ourselves but our loved ones, and sometimes even our DRs., about how to cope/treat the chronic pain we feel. For most of us it is our lifeline, not our toy. The time we spend on the computer is absolutely necessary to our general well-being for it is there we can talk with others who truly understand what we deal with every day and every minute. It is the computer that allows us to connect with others, to take our minds off of the pain, even if only for a few moments. When I reach about a 7 or 8 on “MY PAIN SCALE” is when being on the computer doesn't help at all. Up to that point I can loose myself in my laptop. But, at my level of about 7 ½ to 8 – it is to the bed to cover up, curl up, with pain medication, heating pads, dark and cool room.
Many of us have to nap in the afternoon to rest our bodies. One of the problems this leads to is when our loved ones try to do something nice for us and plan a whole day of activities. It is just too much for us. We have to change our thinking to moderation. Can you imagine how difficult it would be if your spouse or lover wanted to surprise you for oh, let's say Valentines Day and they went through the planning of a day full of fun, love, laughter, good food, massage, gifts, and love making. But, you couldn't even make it through half the day. It's hard to imagine and equally as hard accept.
It is much easier to do something in the late morning or early afternoon. Usually mid to late afternoon we are done for the day. You also have to factor in your physical therapy and Drs appointments as sometimes these things wear us out for the day.
Another strange symptom that has to be factored in to our daily lives is that many of us are bothered by vibrations, noise, light and even an off comment can actually make the pain skyrocket! I believe that when you live with chronic pain daily, that your so on edge and defensive that you Due to the noise, light, vibrations or even an off comment which cause us extra pain for instance, there are a lot of things I cannot do or places I cannot go sometimes, and again, I am just an example of many out there. Places most people take for granted and wonder why we are not there or not talking on the phone, why we can not go to family or friends houses sometimes, why we rarely speak on the phone to others after mid day if at all, or why sometimes crowded areas are off limits.
If there are a lot of people making noise for example, even if it is simply singing or clapping, even family gatherings, have to be cut short sometimes due to all the typical regular noise generated or go off to another room, where you need to sit in the dark. Going to families or friends can also become depressing due to the fact, you either can not join in to the activities, you can not take the noise, or someone might say something off key which upsets you.
Imagine saying to your boss, "Sir, I have to go home, the thunder is causing me great pain and the wind blowing so strong hurts as well." Oh yeah, they would love that. Sorry I can't come to your birthday party because there will be too many people having fun and enjoying themselves and making noise. Yeah, that makes sense! Can you imagine the restrictions us parents with kids have to place on our children or granchildren so as not to hurt their painful “HOT SPOTS”, after all kids will be kids. How about dealing with the fact that you always wanted kids with your spouse but because your pain disease is getting worse, you can not have them, first because it would be to much of a strain on your spouse, second and most important it would not be fair to the child, growing up watching a parent suffer and get worse, and the disappointment on unable to play a catch with them or go to their first day of school. It would be selfish of us to have a child just to make ourselves happy and not think of that child’s well being for the rest of their lives. I have four and no more, because I realised with the chronic pain diseases, my pain wouldn't allow me to have anymore children.
I have heard so many stories from so many people with “CHRONIC PAIN” whose siblings, spouses, and parents, tell them how they are just babying their pain, that they need get out of bed more, that they stay home and do nothing all day, or the best is they do not feel they are respected for the few things they try and accomplish each day, ect. Great advice from the uneducated and seemingly uncaring. Instead of saying things like that, why not read up on the disease, go to the web and do some research, see what the truth is regarding the pain, see how depression of a pain patient can be helped, maybe attend a support group with them, if your really concerned that much about their well-being then these would be the proper steps. You don’t know how much it would mean to the patient if you took just an hour here and there to do that.
Our medications, our therapies, and of course our spouses are what get us through each day. The value of these things can not be measured. It seems no one appreciates what a spouse does for the patient, they see everything, the mood swings, spasms, crying, pleading, and the agony they go through. I have been blessed with a wife who puts up with all of this, works, and comforts me relentlessly no matter how many times I complain about the same thing.
Pain does not just bring physiological changes to our body but psychological ones as well. That doesn't mean our lives end, they just change. And CHRONIC PAIN patients require tools to make those changes possible. Tools that include medication, various therapies, exercise, diet changes, and lots of support. You can be a positive part of it or you can be a hindrance, it is totally up to you.
Now some may view this as being obsessed with the disease, that we think of nothing else but our disease, our pain, that we are too focused on it and that is why we are so depressed, so sad, we hurt so much. Seriously, the fact is that for us, CHRONIC PAIN is our life. It has to be factored into every decision we make, if it isn't we will pay for it later, as will our loved ones. So we need to work within it, we need to keep our minds busy in order to keep ahead of the disease. Constant Pain is a funny thing it always reminds you.
My wife and I often worry that our friends and family will get sick and tired of talking about Pain, and suffering with us. But then we think, it is no different than if we had cancer or MS, or MD, (which some pain sufferers have). People are just used to hearing those words more. Yes we will lose some people along the way, whether it be friends or family that is inevitable, some just will never try to understand or never believe in something they can not see but we will also gain some new wonderful supportive friends and those will be amazing true friends who will be in it for the long haul.
I hope this gave you some sort of idea, what a regular day is for a person who suffers from any of the many pain disorders. There are many groups and foundations set up to help people who suffer from pain and their families.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter/article, hopefully this is the first step in the right direction. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at tracytn@live.com
Tracy Knight
Phone suppot for the DFW Area for the Trigeminal Neuralgia
PAIN - LET'S TYOU KNOW - YOU ARE STILL ALIVE
PAIN - LETS YOU KNOW YOU ARE STILL ALIVE
Current mood:MISUNDERSTOOD
Category: Life
I HAVE ALWAYS HEARD THAT SAYING "NO PAIN - NO GAIN" I KNOW THAT IS TRUE, BUT IN MY CASE, ITS TWICE AS BAD. I MUST GO THROUGH HORRIBLE PAIN JUST TO GET ME TO A POINT OF GAIN, BUT THEN I NEVER REALLY GAIN ANYTHING.
I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU CAN FEEL PAIN, YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
I HAVE BEEN NEAR DEATH, MORE THAN ONCE. I HAVE BEEN IN A STATE THAT
I FELT NOTHING. BEING POKED BY NEEDLES, BEING PRESSED ON, I FELT NOTHING.
I REMEMBER LAYING THERE AND THINKING TO MYSELF, I MUST BE DYING BECAUSE
I FEEL NO PAIN. THE PAIN LETS ME KNOW I AM STILL ALIVE. I WAKE UP TO PAIN.
SIT ON A HEATING PAD ACROSS MY BACK JUST TO GET MYSELF WHERE I CAN GET A CUP OF COFFEE, I CAN'T JUST HIT THE FLOOR RUNNING. WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY...
BUT, I KNOW IT'S PAIN AND I AM STILL ALIVE.
I HAVE ALL THESE TERRIBLE PAINFUL CONDITIONS, DISEASES, ILLNESSES - WHATEVER YOU CALL IT...
MY PAINFUL BODY HURTS FROM MY HAIR TO MY TOES. I HAVE 4 KNOWN PAINFUL CONDITIONS...WELL ACTUALLY MORE THAN THAT -
FIGHTING THESE PAINFUL DISORDERS ARE VERY TOUGH.
I HAVE THE FOLLOWING: IF YOU ARE WANTING TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ONE OF THESE CONDITIONS, THEN GO AHEAD AND SEARCH IT, PUT IT IN THE GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, AND SEE WHAT YOU FIND.
1. TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA - TOP 5 MOST PAINFUL CONDTIONS KNOWN TO THE MEDICAL PRACTICE, AND IT'S ALSO CALLED THE SUICIDE DISEASE. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/trigeminal-neuralgia/DS00446
2 . FIBROMYALGIA - ANOTHER PAINFUL CONDTION THAT EFFECTS MY LEGS, FEET AND ARMS
3. NEUROPATHY - VERY PAINFUL CONDITION THAT AFFECTS MY LEGS, FEET ETC. THE NERVES IN MY BODY. IT'S A SIDE EFFECT OF MY DIABETES.
4. REFLEX SYMPATHETIC DYSTROPHY (UNDER TESTING STILL) - THIS IS AS PAINFUL AS MY TN. VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH.
A PINCHED NERVE - IN MY BACK AND CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME, LET'S NOT LEAVE OUT MY DEPRESSION AND INSOMNIA DUES TO THE ABOVE CONDITIONS...
I AM WORKING SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. TO UNDERSTAND MY PAIN,TO FIGHT THE PAIN. TO DO WHAT I CAN TO LOOSEN MY BODY UP AND GET ME TO WHERE I NEED TO BE.
THE MORE RESEARCH I DO ABOUT MY CONDITIONS AND THE MORE I UNDERSTAND THEM, THE BETTER I GET AT HANDLING THE STRUGGLES I FACE DAILY. SOMEONE ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE A DAY IN MY LIFE, I WILL DO THAT IN A BLOG NEXT....AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR READING.
TRACY
Current mood:MISUNDERSTOOD
Category: Life
I HAVE ALWAYS HEARD THAT SAYING "NO PAIN - NO GAIN" I KNOW THAT IS TRUE, BUT IN MY CASE, ITS TWICE AS BAD. I MUST GO THROUGH HORRIBLE PAIN JUST TO GET ME TO A POINT OF GAIN, BUT THEN I NEVER REALLY GAIN ANYTHING.
I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU CAN FEEL PAIN, YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
I HAVE BEEN NEAR DEATH, MORE THAN ONCE. I HAVE BEEN IN A STATE THAT
I FELT NOTHING. BEING POKED BY NEEDLES, BEING PRESSED ON, I FELT NOTHING.
I REMEMBER LAYING THERE AND THINKING TO MYSELF, I MUST BE DYING BECAUSE
I FEEL NO PAIN. THE PAIN LETS ME KNOW I AM STILL ALIVE. I WAKE UP TO PAIN.
SIT ON A HEATING PAD ACROSS MY BACK JUST TO GET MYSELF WHERE I CAN GET A CUP OF COFFEE, I CAN'T JUST HIT THE FLOOR RUNNING. WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY...
BUT, I KNOW IT'S PAIN AND I AM STILL ALIVE.
I HAVE ALL THESE TERRIBLE PAINFUL CONDITIONS, DISEASES, ILLNESSES - WHATEVER YOU CALL IT...
MY PAINFUL BODY HURTS FROM MY HAIR TO MY TOES. I HAVE 4 KNOWN PAINFUL CONDITIONS...WELL ACTUALLY MORE THAN THAT -
FIGHTING THESE PAINFUL DISORDERS ARE VERY TOUGH.
I HAVE THE FOLLOWING: IF YOU ARE WANTING TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ONE OF THESE CONDITIONS, THEN GO AHEAD AND SEARCH IT, PUT IT IN THE GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, AND SEE WHAT YOU FIND.
1. TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA - TOP 5 MOST PAINFUL CONDTIONS KNOWN TO THE MEDICAL PRACTICE, AND IT'S ALSO CALLED THE SUICIDE DISEASE. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/trigeminal-neuralgia/DS00446
2 . FIBROMYALGIA - ANOTHER PAINFUL CONDTION THAT EFFECTS MY LEGS, FEET AND ARMS
3. NEUROPATHY - VERY PAINFUL CONDITION THAT AFFECTS MY LEGS, FEET ETC. THE NERVES IN MY BODY. IT'S A SIDE EFFECT OF MY DIABETES.
4. REFLEX SYMPATHETIC DYSTROPHY (UNDER TESTING STILL) - THIS IS AS PAINFUL AS MY TN. VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH.
A PINCHED NERVE - IN MY BACK AND CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME, LET'S NOT LEAVE OUT MY DEPRESSION AND INSOMNIA DUES TO THE ABOVE CONDITIONS...
I AM WORKING SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. TO UNDERSTAND MY PAIN,TO FIGHT THE PAIN. TO DO WHAT I CAN TO LOOSEN MY BODY UP AND GET ME TO WHERE I NEED TO BE.
THE MORE RESEARCH I DO ABOUT MY CONDITIONS AND THE MORE I UNDERSTAND THEM, THE BETTER I GET AT HANDLING THE STRUGGLES I FACE DAILY. SOMEONE ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE A DAY IN MY LIFE, I WILL DO THAT IN A BLOG NEXT....AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR READING.
TRACY
Monday, August 24, 2009
A Letter to my loved ones about my pain
A letter about my pain
Dear Loved Ones;
I have been thinking lately, how often I get asked about my pain, or how I struggle and make it through the pain. I have been asked if I would share my experience of being a pain patient, what I go through on a daily basis, the struggles I face, and the importance of my medications and my therapy that exist in my life. I thought about this and I felt the best way to do this was to share what other Pain sufferers have wrote and shared with me, and add in my own experience as well. I found after reading a similar letter as this one here, on an RSD website showed that a one Mr. Orsini, a pain sufferer for more than 30 years set up a wonderful template for any of us to follow in order to show what a typical day in the life of any Pain patient was like. That was found at http://www.ctpainfoundation.com.
I myself have had Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) for over 6 years now, since 2002, That's just diagnosed thought, in October of 2002, it isn't the count of how long I have had TN. I have had TN since birth and a slap to a face set of the nerve pain higher than ever before and it spiraled downhill from there. It still took eleven years to diagnos. I had been in severe pain from just the TN alone since July of 1992. Although I have several other pain disorders as well as possible RSD, I have chosen to concentrate on all of them and not just one in particular. Since they all complicate my life.
To name a few I also have Neuropathy diagnosed in 2008, Fibromyalgia diagnosed in 2008, Nerve Damage, Arthritis, Asthma, Carpal Tunnel in both hands diagnosed in 2002, Pluerisy, Siatica Nerve Pain scine I was age 10 years, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Depression, Anxiety, and not to mention the few I am still being tested for such as RSD, MS, Lupus and a few others - the list never ends for me. So Chronic Pain and I are very old and very close friends. As a result, I have come to know my pain well. What it means, what I must do to accomodate that pain for that day, what I must take and how I must accomplish even a simple day of living. Just to make it to the next day.
I first developed TN when I was very young. Being misdiagnosed with ear issues fron a very early age, The pain became more severe after an attack caused even more damage to the nerve. I began to know pain like never before. Over the last 6 plus years I have talked to many other TN patients and other Pain patients of all ages and we all experience pretty much the same things with minor differences here and there. Some have more serious pain, some have less...
I have actually had people tell me, "It must be nice to not have to work” or “To just sit home all day, and do nothing” and “your lucky",or “ What do you do all day, Watch T.V.” If I thought they were really interested in a reply to these ridiculous statements I would tell them that having TN and/or other Chronic Pain Diseases, such as my fibromyalgia, however severely you have it, is much more work than ANY full-time job! And we don’t get to call in sick, get vacation days, and our work week is 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
As an example for those who do care but are unsure what a typical day is for us, I will try to explain. Please don't take this letter as mean-spirited or hateful in anyway, I know some of it may be hard to read. It is not an attack, we just want our voices heard.
Now understand that quite a few TN patients, RSD patients (also known as RSDers) and CP (Chronic Pain), and Neuropathy patients have other diseases as well as RSD, TN etc. such as Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis etc., and that some RSDers have RSD in one limb and for others it is more, some have less movement while others a little more. Some take a few medications and some take a lot more. Some TN patients suffer with only one side while others have both sides, same with fibromyalgia, some have it less than others.. this is a true statement no matter your illness, disease, or disorder. Everyone also handles pain differently than others. For myself, from an early age, I learned to handle pain, and as a result I have a pain tolerance unlike most others.
I myself take a little over about 20 pills a day (not all different ones, but altogether). Contrary to some people's opinions taking a bunch of medications does not make us ""druggies". A "druggie" is someone who takes drugs for recreation. A pain patient is someone who takes medication because he/she has no choice and who can not have some sort of normal day without them, you see we don’t get HIGH from them and none of us can fathom someone who takes narcotics for "fun and/or recreation!”
There are patients who use different types of machines or who have Spinal Column Stimulators or Pump units installed within their bodies in an attempt to reduce their pain, and of course some deal with the wheelchair issue as well. I have dealt with the wheelchair, walker and cane for over a year now. A few patients, the lucky ones at least, also do some form of physical therapy such as swimming, weights, massage, to help them continue to be able to do the basics things like walking and using their hands, feet, arms, etc. Most pain sufferers can not do Physical Therapy because the consequences are worse than the help, because if you aggravate the nerve it can cripple you for days if not weeks. The bottom line is that I can assure you that most patients deal with the same issues. The idea is to give you an understanding of the issues we face every day so forgive for me for making generalizations. If I spend a day of shopping or out for sightseeing while on vacation, it takes sometimes 2 days to recover from such simple activity as walking around for a few hours.
First, lets start with the sleep patterns. Unlike "normal" people all pain patients are prone to insomnia and do not get the deep REM sleep. This is the healing sleep our bodies need each day. We either wake often or are in a drug induced sleep. When we do wake, it is physically painful to actually get up and get out of bed.
Why don't we sleep? It is because RSD and many other chronic pain disorders cause changes to the Limbic system of the brain. The limbic system is that part of the brain that controls insomnia, short-term memory, concentration, irritability, ability to find the right word when speaking, and more.
We start our day with medications of course. The first of many such times per day. To "look fine" we take 10 to 30 or more pills a day for various symptoms. Then there are the side effects of those medications to deal with; upset stomach, drowsiness, diahhrea; constipation, headaches, and others. Many also have to fight the "Dry-Eye Syndrome" and must use eye drops two or more times per day and lets not forget the dry mouth we get to enjoy all day long too.
Understand that these pills do not take all of the pain away. They just enable us to get up, move around, and have some semblance of a "normal" life. They allow us to function to a degree. I must say here, that sometimes, the “pills” don't even let me function, but cut the pain down enough to not want to give up...
Then a few pain sufferers head to Physical Therapy such as pool exercise or range of motion therapy, massage therapy, and even acupuncture. For the patients for whom these things work, they are lifesavers. Like the medications they allow us to function, to be a part of our families, to enjoy part of each day, and for some they actually give us a reason to get up in the morning.
These aren't luxuries but necessities for those who can physically do them. There can be month's even years, when the allodynia is too high to do even these simple things. Allodynia is when even the lightest touches, sounds, or light cause extreme pain. Maybe the person sitting next to you at dinner touches your RSD arm, your fibro stricken arm/hand or your RSD, or fibro foot gets accidentally kicked at the pew at Church, or your RSD, Fibromyalgia leg gets bumped into at school; or the touch of a loved one as a loving carress across your face sends you into a pain attack like no other. All these things seem harmless to the average person and they may not understand how they could ever cause pain to a chronic pain patient, but trust me, they can and do. Some people can even have a slight breeze cause them pain. Like with TN – the wind barely crosses your face and you can be curled up in pain for hours.
I know what you are thinking, that is crazy. No. That is RSD/Fibromyalgia/TN/Neuropathy. If you think its crazy, and I am telling you from a knowledge background, think how a patient feels when they start forgetting things, especially when their pain is high? Or when the slightest touch, even the caress of a loved one, the kiss from a spouse, the touch of the sheet on the foot or your face, the tightness of a sock, sometimes even the very breeze itself blowing over the body can cause such pain to the patient it will bring tears to their eyes.
And when their friends and loved ones sit there and just can not imagine when they try to explain how it causes pain that hurts them even more. When a disconnected Dr doesn't believe you that is bad enough but when a loved one can not understand you it hurts almost as much as the pain. And let me set the record straight here on the pain, there is no pain like the pain of RSD/CRPS. That isn't just from a patient or an advocate, it is documented in multiple tests. But, there is also no pain like that of TN either, it is said that TN is in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice, it called the suicide disease too which is also documented in multiple tests.
RSD is ranked on the McGill Pain Index as the MOST PAINFUL FORM OF CHRONIC PAIN THAT EXISTS TODAY! To put that in perspective, having a limb chopped off is less painful, or giving birth is even less painful. If interested look up THE MCGILL PAIN INDEX, which is recognized by every major medical group in the country and Europe. Trigeminal Neuralgia is also listed in the top 5 worst pains known to the medical practice today. So, to have these two together is already stressful,and more painful than your worst pain ever experienced then you can always add the finbromyalgia pain to these I already suffer from and while your at it, drop in a few cup fuls of Neuropathy.
As you can see on the scale of the MCGILL PAIN INDEX TABLE, Arthritis pain is ranked about a 18, Cancer pain, a 24, Chronic Back Pain, a 26, and then RSD/CRPS is ranked a whopping 42! The only thing close to RSD pain is the amputation of a limp but that is quick, RSD/FIBROMYALGIA/TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA, AND NEUROPTHY is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Does that bring it home to you?
It is a pain absolutely like no other. When people ask me to describe it to them the best I can do is say Imagine if you had RSD in your hand and arm. Now empty the blood vessels in your hand and arm out and refill them with lighter fluid and light them on fire and keep them lit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now imagine no one else can see the flames or believe that the pain is that bad no matter what you say. Another way to describe it as such a deep ache that it feels like the bones are being crushed. The company that produces Lyrica has some awesome ads in national magazines, which show a pair of legs being swarmed by millions of fire biting ants, standing on hot coals. That is RSD. Lyrica is also used for nueropathy and finbromyalgia pain.
For Trigeminal Neuralgia imagine your worst tooth or ear ache ever, multiply it by about 100, then apply it to every tooth and in the side of your face all on one side and withf no end, no break in the pain, and imagine yourself not being able to even function for hours, to days, to weeks, to months, that is TN.
Whether we patients are walking for therapy, which I assure you is as painful as it is necessary, or doing things that remind us we are alive there is always a price to pay in extra pain directly afterwards, or even the next day and/or for a week. On top of that you have the severe depression that comes with any pain disorder. Almost nobody realizes that pain sufferers are always depressed, it is not all physiological, you see Pain receptors eat up all of you serotonin, which we need to keep depression away, and vice versa, if we get upset or are sadden then the pain becomes even worse.
We Chronic Pain patients are cognizant of that every day. While the average person can sit there and say "Go ahead and enjoy the day, you can't let your pain control your life!" What they don't realize is that we are controlling our pain and not the other way around. We control our pain by controlling what we do, Where we go, who we see, and so forth.
What do I mean by doing things to remind us we are alive? When we spend some time trying to help our spouse with daily chores around the house, reading a book, playing with our pets, going to a movie, grocery shopping, running errands, attending a family gathering, or even hanging Christmas ornaments on the tree. Things that make us feel normal, if only for a few hours. No matter how painful, we will still try to push through to make it the best we can. We push so we feel normal to some degree.
Unfortunately some people who see you during these "good times" as I call them, believe that is how you are the entire day. What they don’t see is the pain you experienced that night and/or the next day because of what you just did. Nor do they take into account all the medications you took before and/or afterwards to be able to do that or the fact that you probably had to spend a great deal more time resting afterwards. They never realize how depressed you get because your always trying to put on a smile, so they will not feel uncomfortable. We are not just trying to push through for own sanity but also for that of yours, so you don't think we are loosing the battle. When we went on Vacation to San Antonio and went to Sea Worrld, I spent the entire day before sleeping and resting. I still had to do the last half of the day with my walker. I then took almost an entire week to recover just from the week of vacation we had.
The same is true for patients who go to the computer to get support from others with the same diseases or disorders they have - through cyberpals, listservs or websites. Many non-patients do not understand that it is the time we spend there that keeps us going each day and informs us of new procedures or medications and educates not only ourselves but our loved ones, and sometimes even our DRs., about how to cope/treat the chronic pain we feel. For most of us it is our lifeline, not our toy. The time we spend on the computer is absolutely necessary to our general well-being for it is there we can talk with others who truly understand what we deal with every day and every minute. It is the computer that allows us to connect with others, to take our minds off of the pain, even if only for a few moments. When I reach about a 7 or 8 on “MY PAIN SCALE” is when being on the computer doesn't help at all. Up to that point I can loose myself in my laptop. But, at my level of about 7 ½ to 8 – it is to the bed to cover up, curl up, with pain medication, heating pads, dark and cool room.
Many of us have to nap in the afternoon to rest our bodies. One of the problems this leads to is when our loved ones try to do something nice for us and plan a whole day of activities. It is just too much for us. We have to change our thinking to moderation. Can you imagine how difficult it would be if your spouse or lover wanted to surprise you for oh, let's say Valentines Day and they went through the planning of a day full of fun, love, laughter, good food, massage, gifts, and love making. But, you couldn't even make it through half the day. It's hard to imagine and equally as hard accept.
It is much easier to do something in the late morning or early afternoon. Usually mid to late afternoon we are done for the day. You also have to factor in your physical therapy and Drs appointments as sometimes these things wear us out for the day.
Another strange symptom that has to be factored in to our daily lives is that many of us are bothered by vibrations, noise, light and even an off comment can actually make the pain skyrocket! I believe that when you live with chronic pain daily, that your so on edge and defensive that you Due to the noise, light, vibrations or even an off comment which cause us extra pain for instance, there are a lot of things I cannot do or places I cannot go sometimes, and again, I am just an example of many out there. Places most people take for granted and wonder why we are not there or not talking on the phone, why we can not go to family or friends houses sometimes, why we rarely speak on the phone to others after mid day if at all, or why sometimes crowded areas are off limits.
If there are a lot of people making noise for example, even if it is simply singing or clapping, even family gatherings, have to be cut short sometimes due to all the typical regular noise generated or go off to another room, where you need to sit in the dark. Going to families or friends can also become depressing due to the fact, you either can not join in to the activities, you can not take the noise, or someone might say something off key which upsets you.
Imagine saying to your boss, "Sir, I have to go home, the thunder is causing me great pain and the wind blowing so strong hurts as well." Oh yeah, they would love that. Sorry I can't come to your birthday party because there will be too many people having fun and enjoying themselves and making noise. Yeah, that makes sense! Can you imagine the restrictions us parents with kids have to place on our children or granchildren so as not to hurt their painful “HOT SPOTS”, after all kids will be kids. How about dealing with the fact that you always wanted kids with your spouse but because your pain disease is getting worse, you can not have them, first because it would be to much of a strain on your spouse, second and most important it would not be fair to the child, growing up watching a parent suffer and get worse, and the disappointment on unable to play a catch with them or go to their first day of school. It would be selfish of us to have a child just to make ourselves happy and not think of that child’s well being for the rest of their lives. I have four and no more, because I realised with the chronic pain diseases, my pain wouldn't allow me to have anymore children.
I have heard so many stories from so many people with “CHRONIC PAIN” whose siblings, spouses, and parents, tell them how they are just babying their pain, that they need get out of bed more, that they stay home and do nothing all day, or the best is they do not feel they are respected for the few things they try and accomplish each day, ect. Great advice from the uneducated and seemingly uncaring. Instead of saying things like that, why not read up on the disease, go to the web and do some research, see what the truth is regarding the pain, see how depression of a pain patient can be helped, maybe attend a support group with them, if your really concerned that much about their well-being then these would be the proper steps. You don’t know how much it would mean to the patient if you took just an hour here and there to do that.
Our medications, our therapies, and of course our spouses are what get us through each day. The value of these things can not be measured. It seems no one appreciates what a spouse does for the patient, they see everything, the mood swings, spasms, crying, pleading, and the agony they go through. I have been blessed with a wife who puts up with all of this, works, and comforts me relentlessly no matter how many times I complain about the same thing.
Pain does not just bring physiological changes to our body but psychological ones as well. That doesn't mean our lives end, they just change. And CHRONIC PAIN patients require tools to make those changes possible. Tools that include medication, various therapies, exercise, diet changes, and lots of support. You can be a positive part of it or you can be a hindrance, it is totally up to you.
Now some may view this as being obsessed with the disease, that we think of nothing else but our disease, our pain, that we are too focused on it and that is why we are so depressed, so sad, we hurt so much. Seriously, the fact is that for us, CHRONIC PAIN is our life. It has to be factored into every decision we make, if it isn't we will pay for it later, as will our loved ones. So we need to work within it, we need to keep our minds busy in order to keep ahead of the disease. Constant Pain is a funny thing it always reminds you.
My wife and I often worry that our friends and family will get sick and tired of talking about Pain, and suffering with us. But then we think, it is no different than if we had cancer or MS, or MD, (which some pain sufferers have). People are just used to hearing those words more. Yes we will lose some people along the way, whether it be friends or family that is inevitable, some just will never try to understand or never believe in something they can not see but we will also gain some new wonderful supportive friends and those will be amazing true friends who will be in it for the long haul.
I hope this gave you some sort of idea, what a regular day is for a person who suffers from any of the many pain disorders. There are many groups and foundations set up to help people who suffer from pain and their families.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter/article, hopefully this is the first step in the right direction. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at tracytn@live.com
Tracy Knight
Phone suppot for the DFW Area for the Trigeminal NeuralgiaAssociation
Friday, April 10, 2009
BEING A LOW LIFE
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU....I SHARE SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES I DON'T. I PREFER TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF...WHATEVER.
SO - I AM NEEDING TO VENT RIGHT NOW..SO, WARNING, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ AND IF YOU ARE NOT, THEN WELCOME TO MY FREAKIN' F'ED UP WORLD! I WILL TRY NOT TO BE A CUSSING ALLOT, BUT - ANYWAY....WHAT IS FREAKING WRONG WITH ME...OMG!!!!
THE EFFIN' DOCTOR TOOK ME OF MY LEXAPRO WHICH WAS WORKING FINE AND PUT ME ASS ON CYMBALTA WHICH HE SAID WAS THE BEST...AND IT HELPED WITH MY PAIN...SO...OF FREAKIN' COURSE, I AM OUT. BUT, LATELY...SHIT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES....DAMN IT...OKAY...LET'S JUST DIVE IN SHALL WE???
ABOUT 4 OR SO YEARS AGO, MAYBE MORE..I DON'T KNOW..I WAS WORKING AND SEEING A NEUROLOGIST FOR MY TN AND UNDIAGNOSED AT THE TIME OTHER PAIN. SHE GETS WORRIED ABOUT ME BECAUSE I COULDN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING AND ORDERED ME TO HAVE A PHYSC EVALUATION. I FREAKED OUT. WHAT THE HECK DO I NEED THAT FOR I WAS SAYING. SO, I TALKED TO THIS DOCTOR FOR THE EVALUATION AND SET UP THE STUPID APPOINTMENT...BUT AFRAID THEY'D DECLARE ME A NUT CASE, WHICH WE ALL KNOW I CLEARLY AM...I THOUGHT, SHE'D PUT ME AWAY. SO - I REFUSED TO GO...THIS WAS MY POINT OF VIEW....
I WAS MARRIED, HAD 5 KIDS I WAS RAISING, WORKED FULL TIME, HAD SPORTS, DINNER, AND MY HAVE TO PULL OUT THE SEX CANDY - YOU'D BE CRAZY TOO. I MEAN LEET'S GET REAL. I WAS NOT GOOD AT THE WHOLE WORKING MOM BULLSHIT. I JUST AM NOT CUT OUT TO HANDLE A TON OF PRESSURE I GUESS. I WORKED FINE, I WAS HANDLING EVERYTHING FINE, I JUST FORGOT WHAT SHE SAID...I MEAN REALLY, I WAS SEEING HER ONCE A MONTH. DON'T TELL ME I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE FREE WORLD THAT FORGETS STUFF....SO - I DIDN'T GO...MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE, BECAUSE A BREAK IN THE NUT HOUSE FOR A FEW WEEKS SOUNDS REALLY GREAT RIGHT ABOUT NOW....
ANYWAY....ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO I GUESS..IT WAS BEFORE I MOVED HERE IN '07 I THINK. I TOLD MY DOCTOR I WAS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH LIFE. I CRIED ALL THE TIME. WAS HAVING TROUBLE COPING WITH THE IDIOT OUT OF PRISON AND STUFF, SO HE PUTS ME ON PAXIL. WE CALL IT MY CRAZY CANDY. I KNEW I WAS DEPRESSED. IN PAIN ALL THE TIME, CAN D THAT TO A PERSON. SO....I TOOK IT, I GOT BETTER. BUT, SO MUCH BETTER THAT I BECAME OVER TOLERANT. I JUST GOT TO THE POINT WHERE IT WAS OKAY..NO MATTER WHAT...THEN THE YOUNGER BOYS GOT AWAY WITH ALLOT MORE. I MEAN IT MELLOWED ME OUT SO BAD, THAT WHEN THE HOE NEXT DOOR CAME OVER AND ACTED LIKE A FREAKING NUT AND STARTED ATTACKING, I DIDN'T FIGHT BACK...YEA - SO, THE TEMPER WAS AT BAY, BUT I GAINED 40 LBS. THEN I STARTED SEEING THAD HERE IN WHITNEY. HE SAID, NO PAXIL AND GAVE ME LEXAPRO HE SAID THE PAXIL MAKES YOU GAIN WEIGHT...OH, THANKS TO THE OTHER DR. I WAS ALREADY FAT ENOUGH. DAMN, GUESS HE DIDN'T THINK SO. MAYBE HE WAS TURNED ON BY FAT ASSES...AND I HAD ONE...
SO, THE LEXAPRO, WELL LOST INSURANCE AND MY MOM GOT ME ON PROZAC. IT HELPED ME! I LOST WEIGHT AND WAS AMAZING. THEN INSURANCE IS BACK AND THEY TAKE ME OFF MY LEXAPRO AND PUT ME ON THEIS STUPID CYMBALTA WHICH MAKES ME FEEL AGITATED. LIKE I WANNA HURT SOMEONE OR MYSELF...JUST SOMETHING....SO, NOW I MA OUT AND STARTING TO FEEL MORE UGGGGG
BUT SINCE I BEEN ON THE CYMBALTA IT REALLY HAS MADE ME BLUNT AND OUTSPOKEN AGAIN. WHEN BEFORE I WAS CALM, COLLECTED AND FINE. BUT THAT STUPID AUNT FLOW SHOWS UP AGAIN AND I RIDE THE CRIMSON TIDE BEING PISSED OFF. SO MAYBE IT'S PMS???
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT I KNOW I AM FREAKING OUT. I KNOW THAT I AM READY TO SCREAM, HIT, SOMETHING...I NEED SOMETHING TO DESTROY...LOL.....SO STAY THE "F" OUT MY WAY TODAY...LOL - I AM KIDDING..
I AM NOT TRYING TO BE SO BLUNT AND MEAN. I FEEL RUTHLESS, AND ANGRY. I FEEL AGRIVATED AND PISSED OFF...WHAT DO I DO?
SO - I AM NEEDING TO VENT RIGHT NOW..SO, WARNING, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ AND IF YOU ARE NOT, THEN WELCOME TO MY FREAKIN' F'ED UP WORLD! I WILL TRY NOT TO BE A CUSSING ALLOT, BUT - ANYWAY....WHAT IS FREAKING WRONG WITH ME...OMG!!!!
THE EFFIN' DOCTOR TOOK ME OF MY LEXAPRO WHICH WAS WORKING FINE AND PUT ME ASS ON CYMBALTA WHICH HE SAID WAS THE BEST...AND IT HELPED WITH MY PAIN...SO...OF FREAKIN' COURSE, I AM OUT. BUT, LATELY...SHIT FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES....DAMN IT...OKAY...LET'S JUST DIVE IN SHALL WE???
ABOUT 4 OR SO YEARS AGO, MAYBE MORE..I DON'T KNOW..I WAS WORKING AND SEEING A NEUROLOGIST FOR MY TN AND UNDIAGNOSED AT THE TIME OTHER PAIN. SHE GETS WORRIED ABOUT ME BECAUSE I COULDN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING AND ORDERED ME TO HAVE A PHYSC EVALUATION. I FREAKED OUT. WHAT THE HECK DO I NEED THAT FOR I WAS SAYING. SO, I TALKED TO THIS DOCTOR FOR THE EVALUATION AND SET UP THE STUPID APPOINTMENT...BUT AFRAID THEY'D DECLARE ME A NUT CASE, WHICH WE ALL KNOW I CLEARLY AM...I THOUGHT, SHE'D PUT ME AWAY. SO - I REFUSED TO GO...THIS WAS MY POINT OF VIEW....
I WAS MARRIED, HAD 5 KIDS I WAS RAISING, WORKED FULL TIME, HAD SPORTS, DINNER, AND MY HAVE TO PULL OUT THE SEX CANDY - YOU'D BE CRAZY TOO. I MEAN LEET'S GET REAL. I WAS NOT GOOD AT THE WHOLE WORKING MOM BULLSHIT. I JUST AM NOT CUT OUT TO HANDLE A TON OF PRESSURE I GUESS. I WORKED FINE, I WAS HANDLING EVERYTHING FINE, I JUST FORGOT WHAT SHE SAID...I MEAN REALLY, I WAS SEEING HER ONCE A MONTH. DON'T TELL ME I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE FREE WORLD THAT FORGETS STUFF....SO - I DIDN'T GO...MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE, BECAUSE A BREAK IN THE NUT HOUSE FOR A FEW WEEKS SOUNDS REALLY GREAT RIGHT ABOUT NOW....
ANYWAY....ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO I GUESS..IT WAS BEFORE I MOVED HERE IN '07 I THINK. I TOLD MY DOCTOR I WAS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH LIFE. I CRIED ALL THE TIME. WAS HAVING TROUBLE COPING WITH THE IDIOT OUT OF PRISON AND STUFF, SO HE PUTS ME ON PAXIL. WE CALL IT MY CRAZY CANDY. I KNEW I WAS DEPRESSED. IN PAIN ALL THE TIME, CAN D THAT TO A PERSON. SO....I TOOK IT, I GOT BETTER. BUT, SO MUCH BETTER THAT I BECAME OVER TOLERANT. I JUST GOT TO THE POINT WHERE IT WAS OKAY..NO MATTER WHAT...THEN THE YOUNGER BOYS GOT AWAY WITH ALLOT MORE. I MEAN IT MELLOWED ME OUT SO BAD, THAT WHEN THE HOE NEXT DOOR CAME OVER AND ACTED LIKE A FREAKING NUT AND STARTED ATTACKING, I DIDN'T FIGHT BACK...YEA - SO, THE TEMPER WAS AT BAY, BUT I GAINED 40 LBS. THEN I STARTED SEEING THAD HERE IN WHITNEY. HE SAID, NO PAXIL AND GAVE ME LEXAPRO HE SAID THE PAXIL MAKES YOU GAIN WEIGHT...OH, THANKS TO THE OTHER DR. I WAS ALREADY FAT ENOUGH. DAMN, GUESS HE DIDN'T THINK SO. MAYBE HE WAS TURNED ON BY FAT ASSES...AND I HAD ONE...
SO, THE LEXAPRO, WELL LOST INSURANCE AND MY MOM GOT ME ON PROZAC. IT HELPED ME! I LOST WEIGHT AND WAS AMAZING. THEN INSURANCE IS BACK AND THEY TAKE ME OFF MY LEXAPRO AND PUT ME ON THEIS STUPID CYMBALTA WHICH MAKES ME FEEL AGITATED. LIKE I WANNA HURT SOMEONE OR MYSELF...JUST SOMETHING....SO, NOW I MA OUT AND STARTING TO FEEL MORE UGGGGG
BUT SINCE I BEEN ON THE CYMBALTA IT REALLY HAS MADE ME BLUNT AND OUTSPOKEN AGAIN. WHEN BEFORE I WAS CALM, COLLECTED AND FINE. BUT THAT STUPID AUNT FLOW SHOWS UP AGAIN AND I RIDE THE CRIMSON TIDE BEING PISSED OFF. SO MAYBE IT'S PMS???
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT I KNOW I AM FREAKING OUT. I KNOW THAT I AM READY TO SCREAM, HIT, SOMETHING...I NEED SOMETHING TO DESTROY...LOL.....SO STAY THE "F" OUT MY WAY TODAY...LOL - I AM KIDDING..
I AM NOT TRYING TO BE SO BLUNT AND MEAN. I FEEL RUTHLESS, AND ANGRY. I FEEL AGRIVATED AND PISSED OFF...WHAT DO I DO?
DANIEL AND SARAH PROM NIGHT
WELL - WE ARE APPROACHING THE END...I CAN REALLY FEEL IT COMING NOW. LAST NIGHT WAS THE WHITNEY SENIOR PROM. MY ANGELS WENT. SARAH AND DANIEL. THIS WAS SARAH'S SENIOR PROM. SHE DRESSED IN A TIGHT FITTING SOLID BLACK DRESS DOWN TO HER FEET. WITH SILVER HEELS AND SILVER JEWELRY FLOATING ACROSS HER EVERYWHERE. SHE LOOKED AMAZING. BUT, SARAH DOESN'T HAVE TO DO MUCH TO BE BEAUTIFUL. SHE'S A NATURAL BEAUTY. GORGEOUS AND ADORABLE. WE HELPED HER DRESS AND THEN TOOK PICTURES WHILE DANIEL GOT DRESSED. THEY HAD THE TENT AND THINGS THEY NEEDED AS THEY PLANNED DINNER BEFORE THE PROM, THE PROM AND THEN CAMPING OUT WITH FRIENDS AFTER THE PROM. THEY ARE NOW SAFE AND SOUND ASLEEP IN THE HOUSE. THEY LOOK SO TUCKERED OUT. LOL
DANIEL WAS IN A PURPLE (HIS FAVORITE COLOR) SHIRT, WITH A TIE, AND PIN STRIPED SLACKS AND A HAT. HE WAS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. DANIEL DOESN'T HAVE TO DO MUCH TO BE GOODLOOKING EITHER. BOTH OF THEM JUST SHINE. WE TOOK THE PHOTOS AND THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY. AS THEY PULLED AWAY, VAL SAID I AM GOING TO CRY AT THE WEDDING AND I SAID ME TOO. I ALMOST CRIED WITH THIS.
REAIZING THAT THEY ARE GRADUATING VERY SOON, GETTING MARRIED AND STARTING A LIFE TOGETHER. I AM JUST LOST.
I MISS THEM ALREADY. BUT, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON...
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE PHOTOS FOR THE RED OAK SENIOR PROM DANIEL IS TAKING SARAH TOO. THEY ARE WONDERFUL TOGETHER.
I LOVE THEM BOTH VERY MUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS YOU GUYS, ONE PROM DOWN - ONE TO GO,
TWO GRADUATIONS AND A WEDDING...YOU TWO ARE KEEPING US BUSY...LOL
LOVE YOU BOTH...
MAMA
DANIEL WAS IN A PURPLE (HIS FAVORITE COLOR) SHIRT, WITH A TIE, AND PIN STRIPED SLACKS AND A HAT. HE WAS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. DANIEL DOESN'T HAVE TO DO MUCH TO BE GOODLOOKING EITHER. BOTH OF THEM JUST SHINE. WE TOOK THE PHOTOS AND THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY. AS THEY PULLED AWAY, VAL SAID I AM GOING TO CRY AT THE WEDDING AND I SAID ME TOO. I ALMOST CRIED WITH THIS.
REAIZING THAT THEY ARE GRADUATING VERY SOON, GETTING MARRIED AND STARTING A LIFE TOGETHER. I AM JUST LOST.
I MISS THEM ALREADY. BUT, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON...
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE PHOTOS FOR THE RED OAK SENIOR PROM DANIEL IS TAKING SARAH TOO. THEY ARE WONDERFUL TOGETHER.
I LOVE THEM BOTH VERY MUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS YOU GUYS, ONE PROM DOWN - ONE TO GO,
TWO GRADUATIONS AND A WEDDING...YOU TWO ARE KEEPING US BUSY...LOL
LOVE YOU BOTH...
MAMA
PAY IT FORWARD
FEELING INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE - " PAY IT FORWARD"
I LOVE THAT! WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA - RIGHT!
I LOVE THAT!!!! I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO PAY FORWARD IT'S NOT FUNNY. IF I DID 3 PEOPLE FOR EVERY THINGS DONE SPECIAL FOR ME, I WOULD BE DOING IT FOR YEARS...BUT, THAT'S OKAY TOO.
I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING - SOMETHING BIG, THAT HELPS OR CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE. YOU DO SOMETHING THAT'S HARD, GIVE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY AND YOU DO THAT FOR THREE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU TELL THEM THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD AND DO THE SAME - FOR THREE PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO PAY BACK THE PERSON THAT GAVE TO YOU, YOU GIVE IT TO ANOTHER AND EACH PERSON GIVES TO 3 OTHERS.
WHY NOT TRY IT?
I AM PAYING IT FORWARD NOW....
I WILL START RIGHT AWAY....AND I THINK IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHOULD TOO - START RIGHT NOW...SOMEONE THAT NEEDS YOU - OR MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY...DONE FOR ANOTHER...
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS...AND IS RIGHT NOW...GIVING OF THEMSELVES...TELL THAT PERSON, BY ACCEPTING YOUR OFFER AND HELP, THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD...GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE - 3 PEOPLE WITH THE RULES....
IT'S EASY....
I GAVE TO SOMEONE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE. THE CIRCLE CAN'T BE BROKEN EXCEPT BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW THROUGH, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK, STILL FOLLOW THROUGH YOURSELF AND DON'T GIVE UP...
YEA BUDDY...I AM ON A ROLL TODAY....WOOHOO
IT'S LIKE A CHAIN LETTER....YOU GIVE TO 3, THEY EACH GIVE TO THREE...DON'T STOP IT....
WANNA JOIN THE PAY IT FORWARD CIRCLE???
TELL US A BOUT YOUR WAYS - ABOUT THE WAY IT HAS HELPED YOU....
TRACY
I LOVE THAT! WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA - RIGHT!
I LOVE THAT!!!! I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO PAY FORWARD IT'S NOT FUNNY. IF I DID 3 PEOPLE FOR EVERY THINGS DONE SPECIAL FOR ME, I WOULD BE DOING IT FOR YEARS...BUT, THAT'S OKAY TOO.
I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING - SOMETHING BIG, THAT HELPS OR CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE. YOU DO SOMETHING THAT'S HARD, GIVE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY AND YOU DO THAT FOR THREE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU TELL THEM THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD AND DO THE SAME - FOR THREE PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO PAY BACK THE PERSON THAT GAVE TO YOU, YOU GIVE IT TO ANOTHER AND EACH PERSON GIVES TO 3 OTHERS.
WHY NOT TRY IT?
I AM PAYING IT FORWARD NOW....
I WILL START RIGHT AWAY....AND I THINK IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHOULD TOO - START RIGHT NOW...SOMEONE THAT NEEDS YOU - OR MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY...DONE FOR ANOTHER...
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS...AND IS RIGHT NOW...GIVING OF THEMSELVES...TELL THAT PERSON, BY ACCEPTING YOUR OFFER AND HELP, THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD...GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE - 3 PEOPLE WITH THE RULES....
IT'S EASY....
I GAVE TO SOMEONE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE. THE CIRCLE CAN'T BE BROKEN EXCEPT BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW THROUGH, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK, STILL FOLLOW THROUGH YOURSELF AND DON'T GIVE UP...
YEA BUDDY...I AM ON A ROLL TODAY....WOOHOO
IT'S LIKE A CHAIN LETTER....YOU GIVE TO 3, THEY EACH GIVE TO THREE...DON'T STOP IT....
WANNA JOIN THE PAY IT FORWARD CIRCLE???
TELL US A BOUT YOUR WAYS - ABOUT THE WAY IT HAS HELPED YOU....
TRACY
WHILE LOOKING FOR ME, I FOUND ANOTHER
WELL HELLO!!!
I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN FOREVER. I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE..BUT, IF I DON'T GET AT LEAST ONE IN A DAY..I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE DONE MY PART. LOL
THE TRUTH IS - I AM GETTING BETTER. I HAD A BAD ATTACK OF TN A FEW DAYS AGO. MY FACE SWELLED SO BADLY. I AM TRYING TO GET BETTER. I AM DOING BETTER NOW I THINK. BUT, IT WAS A BAD ATTACK. WE TOOK PICTURES, BUT I CAN'T UPLOAD THE DAMN THINGS BECAUSE "SOMEONE" LOST MY FREAKING CORD THAT GOES FROM THE COPMPUTER TO THE CAMERA TO TRANSFER PICS. I HAVE TONS ON THERE, EVEN DANIEL AND SARAH'S PROM PICS AND I CAN'T GET THE DAMN THINGS OFF AND GUESS WHAT? IT'S FULL NOW...DAMN IT.
I AM SO FREAKING PISSED ABOUT THAT. I WANT TO FIND THE CORD. GRRRRR
ANYWAY....I AM SO TOTALLY BECOMING MYSELF AGAIN.
I HAVE LEARNED ALLOT AND I AM MAINTAINING MY CARING, LOVING ATTITUDE, MY ABILITY TO GIVE AND CARE. BUT, HOLD ONTO TO THE MEDEA PART OF ME. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. MY ABILITY TO FACE THE WHO I AM INSIDE AND OUT. I HAVE LEARNED TO ACCEPT MYSELF. LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF.
IT'S A HARD ROAD FOR ANYONE. BUT, I DO LOVE ME. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN BEGIN TO LOVE ANOTHER. YOU CAN LOVE YOUR KIDS WITHOUT LOVING YOURSELF TOO.
SO, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. I AM TALKING ABOUT A MATE OR A FRIEND. I AM OKAY WITH ME. I AM OKAY WITH MY WEIGHT, I AM OKAY WITH MY PAIN, I AM OKAY WITH MY FRECKLES AND I AM FINE WITH HAVING TO HAVE HELP SOMETIMES...IT'S OKAY...I KNOW THIS NOW. I HAVE LEARNED TO ALLOW TO BE HELPED...TO SAY, CAN YOU GET ME, OR CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. BUT, LET ME TELL YOU...THE PHYSICAL SIGNS OF TN.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS A SYMPTOM, BUT LEAVE IT TO ME..I HAVE A NEW SYMPTOM FOR TN - IT'S FACIAL SWELLING.
BUT, I HAVE A GREAT DR. AMAZING..AND WONDERFUL...
I AM WORKING ON CHANGING MY REGULAR DR. TO ANOTHER TOO. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO FINDING HELP AND HAVING THEM THAT GIVE A SHIT. IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING SOMEONE THAT JUST WANTS YOUR INSURANCE MONEY...I WANT A DOCTOR THAT SAYS, WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR YOU, THEN DO IT - NOT SOMEONE WHO SAYS....I CAN'T DO ANYMORE....
I WANT TO PAY IT FORWARD...OH THAT'S ANOTHER BLOG...LOL
I ENJOY SHARING THINGS WITH OTHERS. I ENJOY LETTING OTHERS KNOW ABOUT ME, ABOUT MY LIFE, ABOUT MY DREAMS,HOPES,FEARS...I AM A WRITER, SO DOING THIS FILLS MY LIFE AND TIME....
HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT MY FRUGAL LIFE YET????
YOU NEED TOO....TRUST ME - OH, THAT'S ANOTHER BLOG TOO..LOL
MOVING ON UP....TO THE TOP...YADDA YADDA YADDA....
CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY FRIEND HERE...YAY!!!!
OKAY...SHUTTING UP ON THIS ONE....LATER
I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN FOREVER. I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE..BUT, IF I DON'T GET AT LEAST ONE IN A DAY..I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE DONE MY PART. LOL
THE TRUTH IS - I AM GETTING BETTER. I HAD A BAD ATTACK OF TN A FEW DAYS AGO. MY FACE SWELLED SO BADLY. I AM TRYING TO GET BETTER. I AM DOING BETTER NOW I THINK. BUT, IT WAS A BAD ATTACK. WE TOOK PICTURES, BUT I CAN'T UPLOAD THE DAMN THINGS BECAUSE "SOMEONE" LOST MY FREAKING CORD THAT GOES FROM THE COPMPUTER TO THE CAMERA TO TRANSFER PICS. I HAVE TONS ON THERE, EVEN DANIEL AND SARAH'S PROM PICS AND I CAN'T GET THE DAMN THINGS OFF AND GUESS WHAT? IT'S FULL NOW...DAMN IT.
I AM SO FREAKING PISSED ABOUT THAT. I WANT TO FIND THE CORD. GRRRRR
ANYWAY....I AM SO TOTALLY BECOMING MYSELF AGAIN.
I HAVE LEARNED ALLOT AND I AM MAINTAINING MY CARING, LOVING ATTITUDE, MY ABILITY TO GIVE AND CARE. BUT, HOLD ONTO TO THE MEDEA PART OF ME. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. MY ABILITY TO FACE THE WHO I AM INSIDE AND OUT. I HAVE LEARNED TO ACCEPT MYSELF. LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF.
IT'S A HARD ROAD FOR ANYONE. BUT, I DO LOVE ME. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN BEGIN TO LOVE ANOTHER. YOU CAN LOVE YOUR KIDS WITHOUT LOVING YOURSELF TOO.
SO, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. I AM TALKING ABOUT A MATE OR A FRIEND. I AM OKAY WITH ME. I AM OKAY WITH MY WEIGHT, I AM OKAY WITH MY PAIN, I AM OKAY WITH MY FRECKLES AND I AM FINE WITH HAVING TO HAVE HELP SOMETIMES...IT'S OKAY...I KNOW THIS NOW. I HAVE LEARNED TO ALLOW TO BE HELPED...TO SAY, CAN YOU GET ME, OR CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. BUT, LET ME TELL YOU...THE PHYSICAL SIGNS OF TN.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS A SYMPTOM, BUT LEAVE IT TO ME..I HAVE A NEW SYMPTOM FOR TN - IT'S FACIAL SWELLING.
BUT, I HAVE A GREAT DR. AMAZING..AND WONDERFUL...
I AM WORKING ON CHANGING MY REGULAR DR. TO ANOTHER TOO. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO FINDING HELP AND HAVING THEM THAT GIVE A SHIT. IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING SOMEONE THAT JUST WANTS YOUR INSURANCE MONEY...I WANT A DOCTOR THAT SAYS, WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR YOU, THEN DO IT - NOT SOMEONE WHO SAYS....I CAN'T DO ANYMORE....
I WANT TO PAY IT FORWARD...OH THAT'S ANOTHER BLOG...LOL
I ENJOY SHARING THINGS WITH OTHERS. I ENJOY LETTING OTHERS KNOW ABOUT ME, ABOUT MY LIFE, ABOUT MY DREAMS,HOPES,FEARS...I AM A WRITER, SO DOING THIS FILLS MY LIFE AND TIME....
HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT MY FRUGAL LIFE YET????
YOU NEED TOO....TRUST ME - OH, THAT'S ANOTHER BLOG TOO..LOL
MOVING ON UP....TO THE TOP...YADDA YADDA YADDA....
CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY FRIEND HERE...YAY!!!!
OKAY...SHUTTING UP ON THIS ONE....LATER
GLAD TO HAVE MY HOUSE....
I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE MY HOUSE BACK...WELL, LET REPHRASE A LITTLE. I MUST ELABORATE ON MY HOUSE GUEST.
BE REAL - BOTTOM LINE, IT'S HARD TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DISABLED AND DOESN'T CARE FOR THEMSELVES. I NEVER KNEW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE. I AM DISABLED. BUT, I CARE FOR MYSELF. WHEN I CAN'T, I AM OPEN ABOUT - SAYING - I NEED HELP TAKING A SHOWER...THIS ONE - DID NOT!
I AM NOT SURE THAT SHE EVEN WORE, OR OWNED FOR THAT MATTER....DEODORANT...I SWEAR, IT WILL TAKE ME DAYS TO GET RID OF THE SMELL...IN THE MONTH SHE WAS HERE, SHE TOOK EXACTLY AND NO EXAGGERATION - 4 MAYBE 5 SHOWERS....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? BUT, BY THE EVENING SHE SMELLED LIKE SHE NEEDED ANOTHER SHOWER...I SWEAR! I WAS EMBARASSED FOR ANYONE TO EVEN MEET HER THAT CAME OVER. BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED TO SAY SHE STAYED HERE WITH AS BAD A HER HYGIENE WAS. I TOOK ALL I COULD. PEOPLE BEGAN TO COMMENT TO ME ABOUT IT. I FELT BAD FOR HER ON ONE HAND, BUT ON ANOTHER - THERE'S NO EXCUSE TO STINK. NONE!
SHE IS NOT SO DISABLED THAT SHE CAN'T SHOWER. I WAS JUST READY FOR HER TO GO. I GOT TO THE POINT OF DONE.
JOHN WAS OVER THE TOP AND I MET HIM THERE....IT HAD TO STOP.
YOU EVER SEEN BEBE'S KIDS? WELL, THERE'S A BABY THERE, THE BABY NEVER GETS A DIAPER CHANGE AND THE FLIES SWARMED AROUND IT AND THE ODOR WAS SEEN...THIS GREEN FOG...SAME WITH SAY, LINUS ON CHARLIE BROWN THAT BROWN FOG FROM THE STINK THAT SURROUNDED HIM, IT WAS THIS BAD. I AM NOT KIDDING. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE.
THE HYGIENE, THE NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO MY ROOM, THE MESS, I WAS JUST DONE.....DONE...DONE!!!
I AM KEEPING THIS TO MY PREFERRED LIST...I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE FAIR TO DIRT TALK TO EVERYONE, JUST A SELECT FEW...LOL
OKAY, I FEEL A LITTLE BAD. BECAUSE I SHOULD TALK SHIT. BUT, I HAD TO VENT. I MEAN IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS. I JUST CAN'T PLAY ALONG AFTER SO MANY NOTES.
THE FIRST FEW DAYS, IT WAS FINE...BUT, AFTER NOT SHOWERING..SHE DIDN'T PICK UP AFTER HER SELF, SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING HERSELF. HOW DID SHE CARE FOR HERSELF, LIVING IN HER OWN APARTMENT? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?
IS SHE FAKING IT TO A POINT?
I AM JUST DIFFERENT. I GUESS. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO THINKS LIKE ME TOO. I AM ILL, I KNOW HOW ILL I AM. I MUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I HAVE KIDS AND MAN, I NEED TO CARE FOR ME, SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO. I CARE FOR THEM, ALL I CAN.
I LIKE THE FACT THAT I AM STILL ABLE TO CARE FOR MYSELF. TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE MY PADS WHEN NEEDED, I LOVE THE FACT THAT I AM ABLE TO CARE FOR ME....THERE MAY BE A DAY WHEN I CAN'T, AND I WANT TO NOT HAVE WORN OUT THE HELP BEFORE HAND....
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? THERE MAY COME A DAY, WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CARE FOR YOU. GET YOU DRINKS, FOOD, HELP YOU WITH SHOWERS, WOULD YOU WANT TO WEAR OUT THAT HELP BEFORE ITS EVER TRULY NEEDED? SEE - MY POINT MADE!!!!
I AM GLAD I AM THIS WAY. I AM GLAD I HAVE A DR. WHO WORKS TO MAKE ME MORE EFFICIENT AND ABLE TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE NOW....I THANK GOD FOR HER PRESENCE IN MY LIFE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIEND OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. I KNOW WE WILL HAVE A BLAST. ENJOY HANGING OUT AND GOD KNOWS, SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. BUT, TO BE HONEST - I WOULDN'T MIND CARING FOR HER. I WOULDN'T MIND HELPING HER. BECAUSE I KNOW SHE DOES ALL SHE CAN ON HER OWN LIKE ME. TO BE ABLE TO HELP HER WOULD BE GREAT....BECAUSE SHE HELPS HERSELF...ANYWAY...I AM JUST VENTING HERE...SORRY I AM SO SLOSHED...I AM JUST FRUSTRATED...STILL TRYING TO REMOVE THE SMELL OF THE GUEST FROM MY HOUSE AT THIS POINT....
I WILL JUMP OFF MY BOX FOR NOW, I JUST FINALLY HAD A CHANCE TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS....IT WAS TOUGH....
LATER MY FRIENDS.....AND READERS....
BE REAL - BOTTOM LINE, IT'S HARD TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DISABLED AND DOESN'T CARE FOR THEMSELVES. I NEVER KNEW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE. I AM DISABLED. BUT, I CARE FOR MYSELF. WHEN I CAN'T, I AM OPEN ABOUT - SAYING - I NEED HELP TAKING A SHOWER...THIS ONE - DID NOT!
I AM NOT SURE THAT SHE EVEN WORE, OR OWNED FOR THAT MATTER....DEODORANT...I SWEAR, IT WILL TAKE ME DAYS TO GET RID OF THE SMELL...IN THE MONTH SHE WAS HERE, SHE TOOK EXACTLY AND NO EXAGGERATION - 4 MAYBE 5 SHOWERS....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? BUT, BY THE EVENING SHE SMELLED LIKE SHE NEEDED ANOTHER SHOWER...I SWEAR! I WAS EMBARASSED FOR ANYONE TO EVEN MEET HER THAT CAME OVER. BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED TO SAY SHE STAYED HERE WITH AS BAD A HER HYGIENE WAS. I TOOK ALL I COULD. PEOPLE BEGAN TO COMMENT TO ME ABOUT IT. I FELT BAD FOR HER ON ONE HAND, BUT ON ANOTHER - THERE'S NO EXCUSE TO STINK. NONE!
SHE IS NOT SO DISABLED THAT SHE CAN'T SHOWER. I WAS JUST READY FOR HER TO GO. I GOT TO THE POINT OF DONE.
JOHN WAS OVER THE TOP AND I MET HIM THERE....IT HAD TO STOP.
YOU EVER SEEN BEBE'S KIDS? WELL, THERE'S A BABY THERE, THE BABY NEVER GETS A DIAPER CHANGE AND THE FLIES SWARMED AROUND IT AND THE ODOR WAS SEEN...THIS GREEN FOG...SAME WITH SAY, LINUS ON CHARLIE BROWN THAT BROWN FOG FROM THE STINK THAT SURROUNDED HIM, IT WAS THIS BAD. I AM NOT KIDDING. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE.
THE HYGIENE, THE NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO MY ROOM, THE MESS, I WAS JUST DONE.....DONE...DONE!!!
I AM KEEPING THIS TO MY PREFERRED LIST...I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE FAIR TO DIRT TALK TO EVERYONE, JUST A SELECT FEW...LOL
OKAY, I FEEL A LITTLE BAD. BECAUSE I SHOULD TALK SHIT. BUT, I HAD TO VENT. I MEAN IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS. I JUST CAN'T PLAY ALONG AFTER SO MANY NOTES.
THE FIRST FEW DAYS, IT WAS FINE...BUT, AFTER NOT SHOWERING..SHE DIDN'T PICK UP AFTER HER SELF, SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING HERSELF. HOW DID SHE CARE FOR HERSELF, LIVING IN HER OWN APARTMENT? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?
IS SHE FAKING IT TO A POINT?
I AM JUST DIFFERENT. I GUESS. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO THINKS LIKE ME TOO. I AM ILL, I KNOW HOW ILL I AM. I MUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I HAVE KIDS AND MAN, I NEED TO CARE FOR ME, SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO. I CARE FOR THEM, ALL I CAN.
I LIKE THE FACT THAT I AM STILL ABLE TO CARE FOR MYSELF. TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE MY PADS WHEN NEEDED, I LOVE THE FACT THAT I AM ABLE TO CARE FOR ME....THERE MAY BE A DAY WHEN I CAN'T, AND I WANT TO NOT HAVE WORN OUT THE HELP BEFORE HAND....
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? THERE MAY COME A DAY, WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CARE FOR YOU. GET YOU DRINKS, FOOD, HELP YOU WITH SHOWERS, WOULD YOU WANT TO WEAR OUT THAT HELP BEFORE ITS EVER TRULY NEEDED? SEE - MY POINT MADE!!!!
I AM GLAD I AM THIS WAY. I AM GLAD I HAVE A DR. WHO WORKS TO MAKE ME MORE EFFICIENT AND ABLE TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE NOW....I THANK GOD FOR HER PRESENCE IN MY LIFE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIEND OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. I KNOW WE WILL HAVE A BLAST. ENJOY HANGING OUT AND GOD KNOWS, SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. BUT, TO BE HONEST - I WOULDN'T MIND CARING FOR HER. I WOULDN'T MIND HELPING HER. BECAUSE I KNOW SHE DOES ALL SHE CAN ON HER OWN LIKE ME. TO BE ABLE TO HELP HER WOULD BE GREAT....BECAUSE SHE HELPS HERSELF...ANYWAY...I AM JUST VENTING HERE...SORRY I AM SO SLOSHED...I AM JUST FRUSTRATED...STILL TRYING TO REMOVE THE SMELL OF THE GUEST FROM MY HOUSE AT THIS POINT....
I WILL JUMP OFF MY BOX FOR NOW, I JUST FINALLY HAD A CHANCE TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS....IT WAS TOUGH....
LATER MY FRIENDS.....AND READERS....
EXCUSE THE RUMORS - I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT ME
YEA - NEVER MIND WHAT YOU BEEN TOLD OR WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW...LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ME...
I AM A DECENT AGE. I AM 37 - AND I HAVE LIVED. I AM OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE HAD CHALLENGES AND OBSTACLES IN MY LIFE. I AM NOT SOME YOUNG PUNK THAT NEEDS THE RULES GIVEN TO ME..SO - EXCUSE ME, BUT, UNLESS YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP...LOL
NO, SERIOUSLY!
I AM AN ADULT. I HAVE CHILDREN. THEY ARE AMAZING KIDS.
VALARIE IS 20 AND I AM VERY PROUD OF HER. SHE IS LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT OF HER OWN TO SHARE WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND THE LOVE OF HER LIFE TARRANCE. MY DAUGHTER PREFERS AFRICAN AMERICAN GUYS (BLACK) AND AFTER MUCH DEBATE - THAT'S FINE WITH ME. HER HAPPINESS IS WHAT MATTERS TO ME. IF SHE IS HAPPY AND HE'S GOOD TO MY BABY GIRL THEN IT'S ALL GOOD. I LOVE WHO SHE LOVES.
DANIEL IS 18 - AND ENGAGED TO HIS LIFETIME GIRLFRIEND SARAH. YES, SARAH LIVED WITH US. SINCE SHE WAS 12, SHE HAS LIVED WITH US AND SHE WILL MARRY MY AMAZING SON AND BE THE MOTHER OF MY GRAND KIDS. WE HELPED RAISE HER, SO WE ARE POSITIVE SHE HAS THE RIGHT MORALS WE WANT SHARED WITH OUR SON AND GRAND KIDS. THEY WILL MARRY IN JULY BEFORE THEY TURN 19. DON'T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT IS BETTER FOR MY CHILDREN. REMEMBER - THEY ARE MY KIDS...NOT YOURS AND I HAVE GOTTEN 3 CHILDREN TO AGE 18 WITH NO BABIES...SO - I WOULD SAY, WE ARE DOING PRETTY GOOD HERE....
JOSEPH IS ALMOST 16. HE'LL BE 16 APRIL 22 - JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. HE HAS NOT GOTTEN HIS PERMIT OR LICENSE BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN PUT OFF A YEAR FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. JOSEPH IS A DIFFICULT ONE. HE'S AMAZING. LOVES PEOPLE, HE'S GREAT TO ME. BUT, HE HAS A TEMPER PROBLEM. HE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT, HE DOES SOMETHING FIRST. HE WILL HIT YOU AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER. IT HAS LANDED HIM INTO SOME AWFUL TROUBLE. HE'S NOT STEALING, LYING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. HE HAS ACTED OUT OF SELF DEFENSE TO MOUTHY ASS KIDS AND SHUT THE MOUTH RUNNING AND LANDED HIMSELF IN TROUBLE...SO...WE LOOK FORWARD TO THE GRADES COMING UP.
THEN THERE'S TRAVIS. HE'S A SWEETHEART. DOESN'T GET INTO TROUBLE MUCH. HE IS FRIENDLY AND OUTGOING. MOST EVERYONE LIKES HIM. HE'S A SWEET ALL AROUND GREAT KID. HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND. THAT MAY VERY WELL BE HIS SOUL MATE. CHEYENNE IS A GREAT GIRL AND PERFECT FOR TRAVIS.
THEN THERE'S JOHN...I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. HE'S AMAZING. MORE IN LOVE NOW, THAN EVER BEFORE. I LOVE BEING WITH HIM. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS AND WE CELEBRATE 10 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN NOVEMBER. I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER MAN. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, HE'S STILL THE ONE THAT MAKES MY HEART BEAT FAST AND GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES...I LOVE HIM MORE THAN HE COULD EVER KNOW..
ABOUT ME?
WELL, I AM GROWN AND I AM ME, RAW, REAL AND TRUE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GUESS WHAT I AM GOING TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WILL TELL YOU. EXACTLY WHAT I THINK. I AM BLUNT. I AM HONEST..CAN' YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
JUST LIKE DENA SAYS, IF YOU FEEL GUILTY READING IT, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN GUILT, NOT MINE. I AM JUST BEING REAL AND HONEST...MY FRIEND...
I AM ALSO VERY LOVING AND CARING FOR OTHERS. I WILL GIVE ALL I HAVE TO GIVE. I WILL GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR, MY LAST PAIR OF SHOES. I WOULD GIVE THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK. UNTIL YOU DO ME WRONG. I WILL MOST OF THE TIME GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE WILL NOT BE A THIRD CHANCE. I WILL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT ONCE, BUT IF YOU SCREW ME A SECOND TIME OR DO ME WRONG A SECOND TIME, THERE WILL NOT BE ANOTHER CHANCE. I LEARNED THAT WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND.
AFTER BEING SCREWD AND SCREWED OVER BY HIM, I LEARNED REAL FAST...
THE FIRST TIME YOU ARE A VICTIM -
THE SECOND TIME, AND EVERY OTHER TIME AFTER THAT,
YOU ARE A VOLUNTEER!
SERIOUSLY! IF YOU STAY - YOU LOOSE YOUR RIGHT TO BITCH!
I STAND FIRMLY ON THIS.
WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE FIRST IDIOT FUCKER, AND HE BEAT ME, YOU CAN ASK MY PARENTS - I SAID NOTHING. THEY DIDN'T KNOW HE BEAT ME UNTIL HE WAS IN PRISON AND I WAS DIVORCING HIS IGNORANT HILLBILLY ASS. TRUST ME, I PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH. I STAYED AND THEREFOR I LOST MY RIGHT TO BITCH ABOUT IT...SO - TAKE THAT ONE PIECE OF ADVICE...IF NOTHING ELSE - IF YOU STAY IN THE SHIT WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT, OR CLEANING IT UP, THEN YOU LOOSE YOUR RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THAT SHIT SMELLS.
IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU WRONG AND THEN YOU STOP HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM, WHAT GUILT IS THAT OF YOURS?
NOTHING!!!!
THIS IS HOW I SEE IT, AND WHAT I TELL MY CHILDREN, IF YOU SIT IN AN ISLE AND PEOPLE ARE WALKING BY. SAY AT THE MOVIE THEATRE AND THEY KEEP GETTING UP...SAY, THEY STEP ON YOUR TOES AND HIT YOU WHILE GOING BY, AREN'T YOU GOING TO MOVE YOUR FEET A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, LIFE THEM HIGHER OR STAND UP, SO THEY CAN PASS TO KEEP FROM GETTING HIT OR STEPPED ON AGAIN? WELL THAT'S THE SAME DAMN CONCEPT - TURN THE OTHER CHEEK BUT DON'T LET THEM STEP ON YOU OR HIT YOU AGAIN...WALK AWAY...THIS IS A GREAT THING TO LIVE BY TOO...
I WILL GIVE YOU $500 DOLLARS TO HELP YOU OUT, BUT WHEN YOU COME BACK TO ME AND ASK FOR ANOTHER $500 WITHOUT AN EFFORT TO DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF, LIKE PAYING THE BILLS THAT WERE DO AND GETTING SOME FOOD, IF YOU CHOOSE TO LIE AND NOT HELP YOURSELF, BUT THEN ASK ME FOR A $500 AGAIN, I MAY GIVE IT A SECOND TIME, BUT WHEN YOU COME TO ME ON NUMBER THREE, IF THERE IS ANOTHER CHANCE - IF YOU DARE TO ASK A THIRD TIME, I WILL LOOK STRAIGHT AT YOU, AND SAY TOUGH LOVE BITCH, FIGURE IT OUT AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF...LIKE I DON'T KNOW, BUY SOME DAMN FOOD, PAY SOME BILLS. SERIOUSLY - I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES, WITH MY HABIT OF SMOKING, WE HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING, PAYING BILLS AND BUYING FOOD, THAT I HAVE WENT WITHOUT SMOKING, IT'S A HABIT, NOT A NEED SAME WITH JOHN'S BEER. IT'S NOT A NEED. IT'S A PLEASURE MY FRIEND. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU HAVE WATER TO BATHE YOUR STINKING ASS, MILK, BREAD, PEANUT BUTTER AND CEREAL. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE - THINK ABOUT IT!
I AM NOT SAYING THIS AS IF I HAVE NEVER DONE IT, BECAUSE I HAVE. WENT WITHOUT CIGS TO GIVE FOOD TO MY BABIES.
IF I SEE YOU STRUGGLING, I SEE THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT AND YOU NEED HELP, I WILL OFFER, IF I THINK YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. IF I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY $$ AND RUN TO BUY DRUGS - I WON'T. YOU NEED GAS? THEN LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE STATION AND PUT $10 IN THERE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE HUNGRY, THEN EAT WITH US, OR I WILL TAKE YOU AND BUY YOU FOOD. TRUST ME, I WILL DO WHAT IS RIGHT. FOR YOU AND FOR ME..
I HAVE BEEN HATED ON, LONG ENOUGH. I HAVE HIDDEN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE TALKED ABOUT, BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
EVEN JOHN WILL TELL YOU, MY WIFE & KIDS COME FIRST AFTER GOD AND THEN MAYBE YOU IF I HAVE TIME. I HAVE SHOWN HIM AND HE HAS SHOWN ME HOW TO PLACE OURSELVES TO AN IMPORTANT SPOT. WHY SHOULDN'T WE BE IMPORTANT.
I TOLD JOHN, AFTER 3 YEARS, BUY THE DAMN BOAT. TAKE $50 OUT OF YOUR CHECK FOR PLEASURE. YOU DESERVE IT. HE WORKS HIS ASS OFF. HE MAKES SURE I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED AND THE KIDS HAVE WHAT THEY NEED. HE DESERVES TIME FOR HIMSELF. I DON'T CARE IF HE TAKES THAT BOAT OUT EVERY DAY...HE DESERVES IT. I ENJOY IT TOO. I ENCOURAGE HIM TO TAKE TIME FOR HIMSELF AND FILL HIS ENJOYMENT. HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO ENJOY LIFE AND NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO TAKE FROM HIS LIFE. SO, IF HE OFFERS TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE, THEN I BACK HIM 100% JOHN IS A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
IF JOHN MEETS SOMEONE AND SAYS, I REALLY LIKE THEM. I TRUST HIM, BECAUSE HE IS GREAT ABOUT THAT....HE'S AWESOME!
SO, ABOUT ME?
I WILL TELL YOU HOW I SEE IT. I WILL GIVE YOU ADVICE IF I AM ASKED. I USUALLY DON'T SPEAK IT OUT UNLESS ASKED, UNLESS I JUST FEEL I HAVE TO TELL YOU...
I DON'T LIE, I DON'T HIDE.
I AM ME, RAW - REAL - TRUE!
I KEEP MYSELF OPEN AND HONEST. I DON'T COMROMISE WHO I AM FOR ANYONE - NOT ANYMORE!
IF YOU LIKE ME, GREAT - IF YOU DON'T - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, I AM NOT ON EARTH TO PLEASE YOU.
THINGS I DON'T LIKE -
I CAN'T STAND LIARS. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. DON'T LIE TO ME. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BULLSHIT, SO DON'T FEED IT TO ME. AND WE CAN SMELL BULLSHIT THE FIRST TURD YOU DROP, SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO GIVE IT TO US.
I CAN'T STAND STUPIDITY OR FAKE - I CAN'T STAND IT!
IT BOTHERS ME THAT SOMEONE IS A FAKE PERSON OR SOMEONE THAT IS SO DAMN STUPID...I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR STUPIDITY. SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER OF YOU FULL SHIT OR STUPID.
I DON'T DO WELL WITH SMELLY PEOPLE - DAMN JUST TAKE A SHOWER. IF YOU DON'T HAVE DEODERANT, THEN BATHE MORE OFTEN, SAY LIKE - EVERY DAY. I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR ASS, YOUS NASTY BALL SACK AFTER YOU HAVE SCRATCHED YOUR NUTS AND NOT WASHED YOUR HANDS, OR YOUR NASTY CROTCH. DOUCHE THAT SHIT BITCH!!! AND GUYS, PULL THOSE BALLS UP AND WASH WITH SOAP UNDER THERE. LOL
I CAN'T STAND SMELLY ASSES...I HATE IT...I WILL THROW UP AND THEN LOOK AT YOU AND OFFER A BAR OF SOAP AND A TOWEL...FOR REAL...
I DON'T LIE - EVEN IF IT WILL GET ME IN TROUBLE, I TELL THE TRUTH..ALWAYS THE TRUTH. I DON'T CHEAT OR STEAL EITHER.
I AM NOT SAYING I HAVE NEVER. WHAT I AM SAYING IS, I HAVE AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN...IT'S WRONG...LYING - CHEATING - STEALING...DO OVER!!!!
IN A DAY AND TIME FAR AWAY FROM HERE, I GIVE YOU MY LIFE...ALL I ASK IS YOUR TRUTH TO ME...DON'T FUCK ME OVER!
I HAVE BEEN LIED TO, CHEATED ON, STOLEN FROM, BEATEN AND BRUISED. I HAVE LOVED, I HAVE LOST AND I HAVE LEARNED FROM EVERY SINGLE EXPERINCE. EVERY ONE!
I LEARNED AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART, LEARN FROM THE LESSONS WE ARE GIVEN. LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES WE MAKE AND LIVE LIFE ON PURPOSE.
THAT'S MY WHOLE THING!
I HAVE BEEN HURT SO BADLY AND I HAVE BEEN SO SICK, I HAVE BEEN SCARED I WOULD NEVER RECOVER, SO I LIVE ON PURPOSE.
IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND, YOU ARE MY FRIEND ON PURPOSE, NOT BY A MISTAKE. I SPEAK AND LISTEN ON PURPOSE, I TALK ON PURPOSE - I LIVE ON PURPOSE!
THAT'S MY MOTTO - LIVE LIFE ON PURPOSE!!!!
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BULLSHIT, SO IF YOU AREN'T ON PURPOSE, THEN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!
OKAY, THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH FOR NOW...MOVING ON...
I AM A DECENT AGE. I AM 37 - AND I HAVE LIVED. I AM OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE HAD CHALLENGES AND OBSTACLES IN MY LIFE. I AM NOT SOME YOUNG PUNK THAT NEEDS THE RULES GIVEN TO ME..SO - EXCUSE ME, BUT, UNLESS YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP...LOL
NO, SERIOUSLY!
I AM AN ADULT. I HAVE CHILDREN. THEY ARE AMAZING KIDS.
VALARIE IS 20 AND I AM VERY PROUD OF HER. SHE IS LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT OF HER OWN TO SHARE WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND THE LOVE OF HER LIFE TARRANCE. MY DAUGHTER PREFERS AFRICAN AMERICAN GUYS (BLACK) AND AFTER MUCH DEBATE - THAT'S FINE WITH ME. HER HAPPINESS IS WHAT MATTERS TO ME. IF SHE IS HAPPY AND HE'S GOOD TO MY BABY GIRL THEN IT'S ALL GOOD. I LOVE WHO SHE LOVES.
DANIEL IS 18 - AND ENGAGED TO HIS LIFETIME GIRLFRIEND SARAH. YES, SARAH LIVED WITH US. SINCE SHE WAS 12, SHE HAS LIVED WITH US AND SHE WILL MARRY MY AMAZING SON AND BE THE MOTHER OF MY GRAND KIDS. WE HELPED RAISE HER, SO WE ARE POSITIVE SHE HAS THE RIGHT MORALS WE WANT SHARED WITH OUR SON AND GRAND KIDS. THEY WILL MARRY IN JULY BEFORE THEY TURN 19. DON'T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT IS BETTER FOR MY CHILDREN. REMEMBER - THEY ARE MY KIDS...NOT YOURS AND I HAVE GOTTEN 3 CHILDREN TO AGE 18 WITH NO BABIES...SO - I WOULD SAY, WE ARE DOING PRETTY GOOD HERE....
JOSEPH IS ALMOST 16. HE'LL BE 16 APRIL 22 - JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. HE HAS NOT GOTTEN HIS PERMIT OR LICENSE BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN PUT OFF A YEAR FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. JOSEPH IS A DIFFICULT ONE. HE'S AMAZING. LOVES PEOPLE, HE'S GREAT TO ME. BUT, HE HAS A TEMPER PROBLEM. HE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT, HE DOES SOMETHING FIRST. HE WILL HIT YOU AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER. IT HAS LANDED HIM INTO SOME AWFUL TROUBLE. HE'S NOT STEALING, LYING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. HE HAS ACTED OUT OF SELF DEFENSE TO MOUTHY ASS KIDS AND SHUT THE MOUTH RUNNING AND LANDED HIMSELF IN TROUBLE...SO...WE LOOK FORWARD TO THE GRADES COMING UP.
THEN THERE'S TRAVIS. HE'S A SWEETHEART. DOESN'T GET INTO TROUBLE MUCH. HE IS FRIENDLY AND OUTGOING. MOST EVERYONE LIKES HIM. HE'S A SWEET ALL AROUND GREAT KID. HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND. THAT MAY VERY WELL BE HIS SOUL MATE. CHEYENNE IS A GREAT GIRL AND PERFECT FOR TRAVIS.
THEN THERE'S JOHN...I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. HE'S AMAZING. MORE IN LOVE NOW, THAN EVER BEFORE. I LOVE BEING WITH HIM. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS AND WE CELEBRATE 10 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN NOVEMBER. I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER MAN. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, HE'S STILL THE ONE THAT MAKES MY HEART BEAT FAST AND GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES...I LOVE HIM MORE THAN HE COULD EVER KNOW..
ABOUT ME?
WELL, I AM GROWN AND I AM ME, RAW, REAL AND TRUE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GUESS WHAT I AM GOING TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WILL TELL YOU. EXACTLY WHAT I THINK. I AM BLUNT. I AM HONEST..CAN' YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
JUST LIKE DENA SAYS, IF YOU FEEL GUILTY READING IT, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN GUILT, NOT MINE. I AM JUST BEING REAL AND HONEST...MY FRIEND...
I AM ALSO VERY LOVING AND CARING FOR OTHERS. I WILL GIVE ALL I HAVE TO GIVE. I WILL GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR, MY LAST PAIR OF SHOES. I WOULD GIVE THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK. UNTIL YOU DO ME WRONG. I WILL MOST OF THE TIME GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE WILL NOT BE A THIRD CHANCE. I WILL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT ONCE, BUT IF YOU SCREW ME A SECOND TIME OR DO ME WRONG A SECOND TIME, THERE WILL NOT BE ANOTHER CHANCE. I LEARNED THAT WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND.
AFTER BEING SCREWD AND SCREWED OVER BY HIM, I LEARNED REAL FAST...
THE FIRST TIME YOU ARE A VICTIM -
THE SECOND TIME, AND EVERY OTHER TIME AFTER THAT,
YOU ARE A VOLUNTEER!
SERIOUSLY! IF YOU STAY - YOU LOOSE YOUR RIGHT TO BITCH!
I STAND FIRMLY ON THIS.
WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE FIRST IDIOT FUCKER, AND HE BEAT ME, YOU CAN ASK MY PARENTS - I SAID NOTHING. THEY DIDN'T KNOW HE BEAT ME UNTIL HE WAS IN PRISON AND I WAS DIVORCING HIS IGNORANT HILLBILLY ASS. TRUST ME, I PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH. I STAYED AND THEREFOR I LOST MY RIGHT TO BITCH ABOUT IT...SO - TAKE THAT ONE PIECE OF ADVICE...IF NOTHING ELSE - IF YOU STAY IN THE SHIT WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT, OR CLEANING IT UP, THEN YOU LOOSE YOUR RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THAT SHIT SMELLS.
IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU WRONG AND THEN YOU STOP HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM, WHAT GUILT IS THAT OF YOURS?
NOTHING!!!!
THIS IS HOW I SEE IT, AND WHAT I TELL MY CHILDREN, IF YOU SIT IN AN ISLE AND PEOPLE ARE WALKING BY. SAY AT THE MOVIE THEATRE AND THEY KEEP GETTING UP...SAY, THEY STEP ON YOUR TOES AND HIT YOU WHILE GOING BY, AREN'T YOU GOING TO MOVE YOUR FEET A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, LIFE THEM HIGHER OR STAND UP, SO THEY CAN PASS TO KEEP FROM GETTING HIT OR STEPPED ON AGAIN? WELL THAT'S THE SAME DAMN CONCEPT - TURN THE OTHER CHEEK BUT DON'T LET THEM STEP ON YOU OR HIT YOU AGAIN...WALK AWAY...THIS IS A GREAT THING TO LIVE BY TOO...
I WILL GIVE YOU $500 DOLLARS TO HELP YOU OUT, BUT WHEN YOU COME BACK TO ME AND ASK FOR ANOTHER $500 WITHOUT AN EFFORT TO DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF, LIKE PAYING THE BILLS THAT WERE DO AND GETTING SOME FOOD, IF YOU CHOOSE TO LIE AND NOT HELP YOURSELF, BUT THEN ASK ME FOR A $500 AGAIN, I MAY GIVE IT A SECOND TIME, BUT WHEN YOU COME TO ME ON NUMBER THREE, IF THERE IS ANOTHER CHANCE - IF YOU DARE TO ASK A THIRD TIME, I WILL LOOK STRAIGHT AT YOU, AND SAY TOUGH LOVE BITCH, FIGURE IT OUT AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF...LIKE I DON'T KNOW, BUY SOME DAMN FOOD, PAY SOME BILLS. SERIOUSLY - I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES, WITH MY HABIT OF SMOKING, WE HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING, PAYING BILLS AND BUYING FOOD, THAT I HAVE WENT WITHOUT SMOKING, IT'S A HABIT, NOT A NEED SAME WITH JOHN'S BEER. IT'S NOT A NEED. IT'S A PLEASURE MY FRIEND. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU HAVE WATER TO BATHE YOUR STINKING ASS, MILK, BREAD, PEANUT BUTTER AND CEREAL. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE - THINK ABOUT IT!
I AM NOT SAYING THIS AS IF I HAVE NEVER DONE IT, BECAUSE I HAVE. WENT WITHOUT CIGS TO GIVE FOOD TO MY BABIES.
IF I SEE YOU STRUGGLING, I SEE THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT AND YOU NEED HELP, I WILL OFFER, IF I THINK YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. IF I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY $$ AND RUN TO BUY DRUGS - I WON'T. YOU NEED GAS? THEN LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE STATION AND PUT $10 IN THERE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE HUNGRY, THEN EAT WITH US, OR I WILL TAKE YOU AND BUY YOU FOOD. TRUST ME, I WILL DO WHAT IS RIGHT. FOR YOU AND FOR ME..
I HAVE BEEN HATED ON, LONG ENOUGH. I HAVE HIDDEN BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE TALKED ABOUT, BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
EVEN JOHN WILL TELL YOU, MY WIFE & KIDS COME FIRST AFTER GOD AND THEN MAYBE YOU IF I HAVE TIME. I HAVE SHOWN HIM AND HE HAS SHOWN ME HOW TO PLACE OURSELVES TO AN IMPORTANT SPOT. WHY SHOULDN'T WE BE IMPORTANT.
I TOLD JOHN, AFTER 3 YEARS, BUY THE DAMN BOAT. TAKE $50 OUT OF YOUR CHECK FOR PLEASURE. YOU DESERVE IT. HE WORKS HIS ASS OFF. HE MAKES SURE I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED AND THE KIDS HAVE WHAT THEY NEED. HE DESERVES TIME FOR HIMSELF. I DON'T CARE IF HE TAKES THAT BOAT OUT EVERY DAY...HE DESERVES IT. I ENJOY IT TOO. I ENCOURAGE HIM TO TAKE TIME FOR HIMSELF AND FILL HIS ENJOYMENT. HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO ENJOY LIFE AND NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO TAKE FROM HIS LIFE. SO, IF HE OFFERS TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE, THEN I BACK HIM 100% JOHN IS A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
IF JOHN MEETS SOMEONE AND SAYS, I REALLY LIKE THEM. I TRUST HIM, BECAUSE HE IS GREAT ABOUT THAT....HE'S AWESOME!
SO, ABOUT ME?
I WILL TELL YOU HOW I SEE IT. I WILL GIVE YOU ADVICE IF I AM ASKED. I USUALLY DON'T SPEAK IT OUT UNLESS ASKED, UNLESS I JUST FEEL I HAVE TO TELL YOU...
I DON'T LIE, I DON'T HIDE.
I AM ME, RAW - REAL - TRUE!
I KEEP MYSELF OPEN AND HONEST. I DON'T COMROMISE WHO I AM FOR ANYONE - NOT ANYMORE!
IF YOU LIKE ME, GREAT - IF YOU DON'T - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, I AM NOT ON EARTH TO PLEASE YOU.
THINGS I DON'T LIKE -
I CAN'T STAND LIARS. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. DON'T LIE TO ME. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BULLSHIT, SO DON'T FEED IT TO ME. AND WE CAN SMELL BULLSHIT THE FIRST TURD YOU DROP, SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO GIVE IT TO US.
I CAN'T STAND STUPIDITY OR FAKE - I CAN'T STAND IT!
IT BOTHERS ME THAT SOMEONE IS A FAKE PERSON OR SOMEONE THAT IS SO DAMN STUPID...I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR STUPIDITY. SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER OF YOU FULL SHIT OR STUPID.
I DON'T DO WELL WITH SMELLY PEOPLE - DAMN JUST TAKE A SHOWER. IF YOU DON'T HAVE DEODERANT, THEN BATHE MORE OFTEN, SAY LIKE - EVERY DAY. I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR ASS, YOUS NASTY BALL SACK AFTER YOU HAVE SCRATCHED YOUR NUTS AND NOT WASHED YOUR HANDS, OR YOUR NASTY CROTCH. DOUCHE THAT SHIT BITCH!!! AND GUYS, PULL THOSE BALLS UP AND WASH WITH SOAP UNDER THERE. LOL
I CAN'T STAND SMELLY ASSES...I HATE IT...I WILL THROW UP AND THEN LOOK AT YOU AND OFFER A BAR OF SOAP AND A TOWEL...FOR REAL...
I DON'T LIE - EVEN IF IT WILL GET ME IN TROUBLE, I TELL THE TRUTH..ALWAYS THE TRUTH. I DON'T CHEAT OR STEAL EITHER.
I AM NOT SAYING I HAVE NEVER. WHAT I AM SAYING IS, I HAVE AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN...IT'S WRONG...LYING - CHEATING - STEALING...DO OVER!!!!
IN A DAY AND TIME FAR AWAY FROM HERE, I GIVE YOU MY LIFE...ALL I ASK IS YOUR TRUTH TO ME...DON'T FUCK ME OVER!
I HAVE BEEN LIED TO, CHEATED ON, STOLEN FROM, BEATEN AND BRUISED. I HAVE LOVED, I HAVE LOST AND I HAVE LEARNED FROM EVERY SINGLE EXPERINCE. EVERY ONE!
I LEARNED AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART, LEARN FROM THE LESSONS WE ARE GIVEN. LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES WE MAKE AND LIVE LIFE ON PURPOSE.
THAT'S MY WHOLE THING!
I HAVE BEEN HURT SO BADLY AND I HAVE BEEN SO SICK, I HAVE BEEN SCARED I WOULD NEVER RECOVER, SO I LIVE ON PURPOSE.
IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND, YOU ARE MY FRIEND ON PURPOSE, NOT BY A MISTAKE. I SPEAK AND LISTEN ON PURPOSE, I TALK ON PURPOSE - I LIVE ON PURPOSE!
THAT'S MY MOTTO - LIVE LIFE ON PURPOSE!!!!
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BULLSHIT, SO IF YOU AREN'T ON PURPOSE, THEN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!
OKAY, THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH FOR NOW...MOVING ON...
FRUGAL LIFE!!!
IT'S A FRUGAL LIFE FOR US!!!
I MADE A FRUGAL MY SPACE - BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT!
I HAVE A REALLY CLOSE FRIEND THAT HAS BLOG THAT IS FULL OF EVERYTHING THAT'S FREE!!!!!
http://teresasfreestuff.blogspot.com/
SO....TAKE A LOOK!
http://www.myspace.com/fairyofsavings
ADD ME AND STAY UP TO DATE ON ALL THE SUGGESTIONS AND IDEAS OF A FRUGAL LIFE IN THIS ECONOMIC CRISIS
I MADE A FRUGAL MY SPACE - BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT!
I HAVE A REALLY CLOSE FRIEND THAT HAS BLOG THAT IS FULL OF EVERYTHING THAT'S FREE!!!!!
http://teresasfreestuff.blogspot.com/
SO....TAKE A LOOK!
http://www.myspace.com/fairyofsavings
ADD ME AND STAY UP TO DATE ON ALL THE SUGGESTIONS AND IDEAS OF A FRUGAL LIFE IN THIS ECONOMIC CRISIS
Thursday, April 9, 2009
PAY IT FORWARD
FEELING INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE - " PAY IT FORWARD"
I LOVE THAT! WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA - RIGHT!
I LOVE THAT!!!! I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO PAY FORWARD IT'S NOT FUNNY. IF I DID 3 PEOPLE FOR EVERY THINGS DONE SPECIAL FOR ME, I WOULD BE DOING IT FOR YEARS...BUT, THAT'S OKAY TOO.
I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING - SOMETHING BIG, THAT HELPS OR CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE. YOU DO SOMETHING THAT'S HARD, GIVE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY AND YOU DO THAT FOR THREE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU TELL THEM THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD AND DO THE SAME - FOR THREE PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO PAY BACK THE PERSON THAT GAVE TO YOU, YOU GIVE IT TO ANOTHER AND EACH PERSON GIVES TO 3 OTHERS.
WHY NOT TRY IT?
I AM PAYING IT FORWARD NOW....
I WILL START RIGHT AWAY....AND I THINK IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHOULD TOO - START RIGHT NOW...SOMEONE THAT NEEDS YOU - OR MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY...DONE FOR ANOTHER...
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS...AND IS RIGHT NOW...GIVING OF THEMSELVES...TELL THAT PERSON, BY ACCEPTING YOUR OFFER AND HELP, THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD...GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE - 3 PEOPLE WITH THE RULES....
IT'S EASY....
I GAVE TO SOMEONE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE. THE CIRCLE CAN'T BE BROKEN EXCEPT BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW THROUGH, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK, STILL FOLLOW THROUGH YOURSELF AND DON'T GIVE UP...
YEA BUDDY...I AM ON A ROLL TODAY....WOOHOO
IT'S LIKE A CHAIN LETTER....YOU GIVE TO 3, THEY EACH GIVE TO THREE...DON'T STOP IT....
WANNA JOIN THE PAY IT FORWARD CIRCLE???
TELL US A BOUT YOUR WAYS - ABOUT THE WAY IT HAS HELPED YOU....
TRACY
I LOVE THAT! WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA - RIGHT!
I LOVE THAT!!!! I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO PAY FORWARD IT'S NOT FUNNY. IF I DID 3 PEOPLE FOR EVERY THINGS DONE SPECIAL FOR ME, I WOULD BE DOING IT FOR YEARS...BUT, THAT'S OKAY TOO.
I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THAT.
YOU DO SOMETHING - SOMETHING BIG, THAT HELPS OR CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE. YOU DO SOMETHING THAT'S HARD, GIVE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY AND YOU DO THAT FOR THREE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU TELL THEM THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD AND DO THE SAME - FOR THREE PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO PAY BACK THE PERSON THAT GAVE TO YOU, YOU GIVE IT TO ANOTHER AND EACH PERSON GIVES TO 3 OTHERS.
WHY NOT TRY IT?
I AM PAYING IT FORWARD NOW....
I WILL START RIGHT AWAY....AND I THINK IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHOULD TOO - START RIGHT NOW...SOMEONE THAT NEEDS YOU - OR MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY...DONE FOR ANOTHER...
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS...AND IS RIGHT NOW...GIVING OF THEMSELVES...TELL THAT PERSON, BY ACCEPTING YOUR OFFER AND HELP, THEY MUST PAY IT FORWARD...GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE - 3 PEOPLE WITH THE RULES....
IT'S EASY....
I GAVE TO SOMEONE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE. THE CIRCLE CAN'T BE BROKEN EXCEPT BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FOLLOW THROUGH, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK, STILL FOLLOW THROUGH YOURSELF AND DON'T GIVE UP...
YEA BUDDY...I AM ON A ROLL TODAY....WOOHOO
IT'S LIKE A CHAIN LETTER....YOU GIVE TO 3, THEY EACH GIVE TO THREE...DON'T STOP IT....
WANNA JOIN THE PAY IT FORWARD CIRCLE???
TELL US A BOUT YOUR WAYS - ABOUT THE WAY IT HAS HELPED YOU....
TRACY
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