Forty??? 40??? LORDY LORDY help me with FORTY!

I can't believe we are in July of 2011 already. It's been a crazy year for sure.
I turned 40!!! YIKES!!!
I sat at my laptop after everyone had left the house from the amazing surprise party
my family set up.

I don't care how old you get, you will always want and need your mom. I finally have that wrapped around my head about my own kids. They will always need me, I can't loose them, they are mine. They love me and need me just like I need and love my own mother. I don't want my parents to get any older. I want my mother to stay with me forever!

I think about myself and realize I have been way to honest with my mom and I think that I would never want to hear from my kids what I have told my mom. Not about my mom. It's all my ignorance in other junk. But, I have always been uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like I am going backwards. I have to do better. I just can't stay on this path...it's straight. I want a new journey. I new journey of being grandparents, and I want winds, and turns, and valley. I always learn from my mistakes!

This marks my brand new journey. I am on a quest to find myself.
I have been so busy being someone's mother, wife, in law, daughter, friend, and someone's sister.
I long for a close relationship with my brothers. I find myself really leaning too far back and not being everything that I should.

With my new journey - I want it to be documented. For my kids!!!
One day I will not be here and I want to leave behind something they can always fall back on.

So, about FORTY!!!
Oh MY Gosh someone help me!
I am forty - WOW!
I think I am okay with that!
I really do! I just may have finally grown up.

Well, with that I am off for now

Ta Ta for now!!!

January 2011

Hey Friends!
Been a while since my last blog anywhere. I promised myself that in 2011 that I would keep up and make sure this stays up to date. Trying to find something to write about can be, well, at times, it can be really tough. Other times I can pull a subject out of the air because it hits me and causes me to write. I am working on so many things for myself. I am making lists, following through. Holding myself accountable - well that is usually easy but there are times that I shift around and try to shift the blame elsewhere. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be happy.
I am on a venture to find myself. I have spent almost 40 years not really sure of who I am. Holding on to guilt. Taking the blame when it wasn't mine to take. Giving in because of guilt. Whatever the case may be. I think the most important thing to remember is that we must forgive ourselves. I think we hold blame and guilt and we don't forgive ourselves for things that we should have no trouble forgiving ourselves for. I have slowly learned to forgive myself. I do believe that we should speak it out loud. Like this: I forgive myself for not leaving my abuser sooner, when my children were still young. It took a long time to reach that. Sometimes, I don't think I have fully forgiven myself. I have other things to deal with. I have things I still need to forgive myself for. I am working on it. As my children are getting older, I can see that I need to be fully in their lives and to stay close and in touch. That responsibility is on me too. Not just them.