Finding myself

Finding myself
Category: Life
What a year it's been for us. I have found myself in the missing fog. I walked around and found my way around. I fought through and on the other end, there was left, only me. I realized I had to be proud to be me, I had to know that I was who mattered. I needed to come true to who I was on the inside of my soul.

I had to back away - look inside and came out - as myself! True to me!

Anyway - I spent years having my own loud opinion - saying what I thought out loud, hurting feelings through the years of my words not being true to me. I would take my precious experience and try to show someone the truth, when I really shouldn't have said a word. So, I have changed over the years.

I spent a good many years having my brother mad at me. He really is still mad at me I guess. He's not that happy about me at all. To be honest, I don't think he ever was. I was pushed into a motherly role early in life. My childhood was spent watching my brothers so my parents could work their fingers to the bone. I was resentful, I was angry, I would fight them - and I was not a very kind babysitter. There were plenty of good memories for me, but, the only thing that my brother took from that time in our lives was bad. He resented me for years, and I never even knew it. We don't talk. We still don't talk - I did go through a time when I was close to him, after his divorce from his first wife and I was friends with his wife now too. We were close then, but I was slowly pushed away from that table. I don't try very hard, because I feel if there was a desired relationship there, it would be made known to me.

One thing I don't want to happen. As my health issues become known, I don't want people in my life to try to rekindle their love with me or get a relationship with me just to clear their conscience. I don't need that mess. Don't go clearing your conscience by pretending to care about me. Just be real and be yourself. We do keep things closed pretty much. I tell those who are closest to me, but, we don't go sharing with those who aren't a part of our lives. By being a part of my life, I mean being my friend, acting like a family member of mine. I blog about my health, so obviously its not a big hush hush private subject. But, I don't take time going to people and being specific about my life. There is no need to do that in my opinion.

Anyway - in the depth of my soul as I struggled to find myself - all I could see was fog. I called it the FOG in my life. It's just that. Troubles that are like clouds that settle in your heart and soul and in your life blocking you from the view of who you truly are deep within. I removed those clouds one by one as they covered my life with fog. I dealt with issues one by one. Slowly removing them and coming to terms with what was left, which was just me.

I have learned to like me, to love me, to choose me, to be ME!
I have always just been me, I don't pretend to be something or someone I am not.
I am who I am - I don't fake it, EVER! That's been most of my problem my whole life, I have been to true to who I am and showing who I was, always. But, even though I was me, true and real - I still had fog.

Mine was a dense fog, covering my soul. I sheltered myself from pain. At the first sight of pain or betrayal I either faced it head on and got angry with whoever, or I ignored it and hurt them first before they had a chance to hurt me.

It is a defense - that most people have. In order to spare your life the pain and anguish you put on that defense. You deal with it in your own way.

My abuser gave me the reason to hide myself, then the reason to be loud and annoying. But, I changed, not even with an effort. I just one day stopped and looked around, and realized that I had no reason to be annoying,loud, opinionated, or whatever. What was my reason for it? I had no reason. Not one reason!

This is part of my journal writing and in my book....
Almost Lost by Tracy Knight
Working on publishing