NEW RAMBLES for 2010

We had our family Christmas on New Years Day. My brothers and their families came down for the weekend and we enjoyed some family time New Years Day and My nieces and their guys stayed here. It was great having them here.
We had a hiccup with medication where I ran out before I could get more. Normally it's given to me in samples, but - the Dr.'s office was out, then they called it in, but had to wait for approval of the medication through my insurance before I could get it. I went downhill so fast. By day 3 I was having trouble walking and not crying about every damn thing. So, I finally got it yesterday. It will take a few days to began working again so, thank goodness I can think it will get better in a few days anyway.
I go to the counselor tonight. I am nervous. I know I need to go and would help but, the thought of needing it bothers me allot. The Dr. thinks I need to go to help me deal with my health issues and problems I face, plus needed for my past, I don't know. I hate to think I have to sit across from a stranger and saying anything. Why can't I just share with a friend, family member? Oh, I don't know, maybe she'll be good, who knows.
I hate not feeling well. At dinner with my family on New Years Day I began to hurt and started to cry. I never cry but lately and w/ the loss of medication to control it, I cry about everything. I hate it so much. But, it's my life.
I really have nothing to be depressed about. Seriously, I have healthy children who are amazing and who are doing amazing. They are doing so great and I love them all. I am seriously happy for them, I miss them terribly. I tell you as a mother, dealing w/ children moving out has been really hard for me. I love them so much! I miss them, even though I know they must live on their own and support themselves I still wish they were here. So, I am dealing with that too.
I am doing a self examination right now and making changes. I am making a list and conquering them, I will probably make a list too and blog it.
See, it's hard to look at my life and see all that I can see. I stand back and look in and see that there is no reason for depression. Maybe dealing w/ illness, dealing w/ children leaving, dealing with loss, I don't know - whatever it is, I admit its time to get help. I am just loosing my mind sometimes I feel about it.
I watch things like intervention, hoarders. It scares me. I look around, and I see - I am a Hoarder aren't I? No, I am not. I give away and throw away. I am just not organized. I don't have tons of stuff, junk, I don't hoard - I just have my desk that needs organization. I need to get a few things organized and use my darn desk for more than just a holding cell.
I don't think I am an addict...I have questions though. I see these interventions and I watch them and enjoy them. But, It makes me think. Do I have a problem?
I don't drink much at all so I am not an alcoholic, I don't do any illegal drugs at all. Not even pot, I do nothing else. Then, I have my prescription medications. I will be asking the Dr. today about this too. Since I take prescription medication for depression, and the pain medications. I don't abuse them because its taken exactly like it's prescribed, I never run out before time to fill it, I never take more than I am supposed to. So, does it make me an addict because I take the prescriptions. I worry about that allot. I don't want anyone to think that about me. But, if you take it like your supposed to, then it's okay - right?
Anyway, I have friends to call, and can't seem to make myself pick up the phone. I will send some emails today to ease them and let them know I am okay. I just am not ready to talk to anyone yet. I need to let my medication get back in swing first. I have depression, I know that now. Even though I don't have a reason to be depressed, I am. The worse part, is I don't know why. Do I have reasons to be, sure I do, but it's past - not present or future. Its past. I mean over ten years old some of it, it's over and yet I just can't seem to pass it by. I could really use some forgetful medication. You know that tool that Men In Black uses to flash and make you forget - that's what I need! A flash that will erase it and make me forget it....then I would be okay I think.
I have so many thoughts of why and how and who and when - trying to figure out why he did what he did, why this, why that - I have got to let it go....write a book!

Well - that's enough for now!
Hope you are having a great day.