Finding Love Again

I find myself thinking and finding so much - I am happy, it is not about everyone else. It's about you, you are responsible for your own happiness. You never depend on another person for your personal happiness.
It started getting cold and rainy today, and I found myself turning on the heating blanket and turning up the heater, adding coffee to be made. It's cold outside and I realized, the last time I was this cold, I was laid up in the bed with John. Laying on his chest, as we played with word find books. My sense of being protected, safe and loved. We were still new then. Having a TV in the bedroom, we always have, we just turned it off more often then. I wish now we did that. We should start that again I think.

We have never not loved each other. I can't even think of a time when we weren't totally in love. I can't think of not being in love with him. We made promises to each other and we have kept those promises. Lately with my health, I have been thinking of those times. We have always been happy. I learned from my first marriage. From my abuser, that happiness was my responsibility. Noone else was in charge of my happiness but me.

I look around. Valarie who turns 21 in February, Daniel and Sarah who are married and share a home with Valarie are grown up and out on their own. Joseph, whom at 16 has moved out too. He is happy. I can't believe how happy he is. He had to take responsibility for his own happiness and he did just that. I can't believe how his Christmas was either, he and Lanay bought gifts for everyone. It made me cry to think that he thought of everyone here. My angel baby. What an amazing difference the change has made. Honestly, I don't think its about me just making him be here, I had to let go, to allow him to find his own happiness. I know that he will marry Lanay, and that's okay with me. I am happy to call her our daughter in law. I enjoyed having them here last weekend, for Christmas. I can't wait to have them here this coming weekend. I hope they come.

Well, my heart is full this 2009, as my year comes to an end.
I sat this morning, trying to get warm and all I could think about was gettin' him home.
I have him on my mind. I have no kids at home. I remember when the kids were young and all we could think about was being with eachother. Making love, with no kids at the door. Now that we have that, a silent house, we don't do that. What in the world.
He thinks about it, allot. I see it now, his suttle hints about loving time...I need to give in....