Oh Brother

You know, I wasn't blessed with a sister. I wish I had been. I know if I had a sister, we would be so close. Instead - God saw fit to bless me with brothers instead. Making I, the only girl. I am the only sister to all three of my brothers. What a strange relationship I have with them all. I have shared my time of being close to one at time throughout the years. Now, I am just done! The only one I would even consider for anything would be the youngest - my baby brother.

The oldest has spent his entire life, blaming me for what he has explained as his horrible childhood. Let me enlighten you though, I was 2 years older, and moved out when I was 16, so, that said, he was 13 when I moved out and was married. So, I couldn't have screwed up that much of his life, I mean for goodness sakes, what about my childhood? My childhood was nothing, because it was spent caring for my 3 bratty younger brothers. I will say that I have apologized more than any one person should ever have to not only to the oldest who swears I ruined his childhood, but to all of them.
Because of this blame, the blame he threw upon me, I have spent a large part of life blaming myself for everyone's problem. I blamed myself because I wasn't a good sister when he went through his first divorce, I blamed myself for not being someone the middle brother could go to and keep him off drugs, I blame myself because my youngest brother's wife cheated on him and left him, even though this was because she was idiot and a terrible wife and mother - but, still I blamed myself. Blame and guilt is something I have carried for my entire life, for one reason or another. I blamed myself for not leaving the kids dad sooner, for my parents not getting along, for my dad being a alcoholic and drinking and for my mom staying when she should have left. Well, I am done.

Do you think that my brother, the older one even calls me? Unless he's calling to yell at me for one reason or another, no he doesn't. We would go to his family get together and although invited, I always felt as an outcast to him. He doesn't tell people he has a sister. He hates me, as he always has and he can't stand my kids. In fact, the only one of my kids he even barely likes is Daniel, and other than that, he has no use for them.

I am so burdened here, I feel like I am sitting under a ton of bricks and it's time for me to to break free of these chains. Because frankly I don't care anymore. I have no desire to have a relationship anymore. I just don't want it. It's not important to me.
I have a brother who's a drug addict. You know, that is something I have never said. But, he is and it's time for me to accept that. The youngest, well, he's the baby and for the most part he's amazing. He just wants everyone to get along.

With Tim and Tasha down in Texas this year, we are going to be with them on thanksgiving. I am hoping to plan Christmas there too. I would like not to have to attend Christmas with my family at all. I am just done. All the sudden it's every year there, when I am the oldest. But, then again, I am glad they are not down here, because then I would have to entertain or get along with them. So, glad they do it up there. I already stopped going to his kids birthday parties and his togethers, because he NEVER would come to ours. We were lucky to - oh never mind....

I am tired of feeling guilty. If you go to him for something it's always about, well, let me see what I can get out of it first....I am just done.

I have my kids and they are my family. I love my parents, and I am glad for the time I get with them. But, I can remember my brother actually calling my mother and upsetting her one time, because his kids didn't get as much attention as the rest. So, ever since then, she's made sure to shower his kids - which she has done well.

I don't ask the uncles to like them, love them or even have a damn thing to do with them and I won't.

The babies of the family always get spoiled more than the rest. It's just how life goes.
But, Today, I claim my independence and I stand on a mountain and scream NO MORE!

THIS IS MY LIFE, AND I AM TAKING IT BACK. I AM CLAIMING MY LIFE AS MY OWN AND IT'S ONLY MINE. IT'S UP TO ME HOW I LIVE AND HOW I TREAT OTHERS. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS AND I OWE NO ONE ANYTHING. I DON'T OWE ONE SINGLE PERSON NOT ONE SINGLE THING, I DON'T OWE EXPLANATIONS, I DON'T OWE MONEY, I DON'T OWE FRIENDSHIP, FUN, OR LAUGHTER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. BUT BECAUSE OF WANTING TO HAVE THOSE THINGS, I GIVE FREELY UNTO MY CHILDREN, UNTO MY PARENTS, BUT FOR THE REST OF THEM, I OWE THEM NOTHING.

I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. I DON'T THINK I WANT YOU HERE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN, WHEN I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE THINGS NOT REQUIRED OF ME, NOT ANYMORE.

I AM JUST SIMPLY DONE. I WILL MOVE FORWARD AND WHAT EVER WILL BE - WILL BE!