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I am so excited! I have decided that instead of new years resolutions I am doing a bucket list!
"Bucket List"
1) See the northern lights
2) Get published
I will add more as we go...
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
CONFRONTING MY PAST
I AM ALMOST 40. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH SOME OF THE DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
I HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN OUR CHILDHOOD WE WISH WE COULD FIX, CHANGE OR TAKE BACK. HELL, I HAVE THINGS IN MY ADULT LIFE I WISH I COULD CHANGE,FIX, OR TAKE BACK. A DO OVER WOULD BE NICE. BUT, THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. MY HARD PART IS THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE SORRY FOR. APPARENTLY I WAS A HORRIBLE CHILD AND I REALLY HAVE THINGS I SHOULD WANT TO CHANGE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER IT. CHILDHOOD IS SOMETHING WE SPEND OUR ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO OVERCOME. SOME ARE SUCCESSFUL AND SOME ARE NOT.
I HAVE A BROTHER WHO IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. HE BLAMES ME. HE SAYS I RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD BY BEATING HIM. I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS, I WAS OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE BY THE TIME I WAS 16. WHEN I LEFT HE WAS BARLEY A TEEN AT ONLY MAYBE 13. HE SWEARS I ABUSED HIM BY BEATING HIM. HE HAS 4 DAUGHTERS. I BABYSAT THEM. IT WAS ONLY THIS SUMMER I HAD HIS DAUGHTER FOR TWO WEEKS (ONE WEEK AT A TIME). IF I WAS SO ABUSIVE, WHY DID HE LET HIS DAUGHTER COME STAY HERE FOR A WEEK. ANYWAY. I GUESS ITS HIDDEN OR SOMETHING.
REPRESSED MEMORIES. I HAD SOME PRETTY BAD ENCOUNTERS IN MY LIFE FROM A ROUGH CHILDHOOD, TO A BAD MARRIAGE AND EVEN SOME ENCOUNTERS THAT WEREN'T BY A FAMILY MEMBER. MY PARENTS WORKED AND THEY MADE ME STAY AT HOME AND WATCH MY BROTHERS. I HAD TO BE OVER TEN IN MY THOUGHT PROCESS. BUT, ACCORDING TO MY BROTHER I BEAT HIM. HE SAYS I ABUSED HIM. NEVER ANY MARKS. BECAUSE HE TOLD MY MOM. I ADMIT I WASN'T THE BEST SISTER AND I HAVE SAID I AM SORRY MORE THAN ANY PERSON SHOULD HAVE TO IN ANY LIFETIME. I HAVE TRIED TO OVERCOME THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND THEN FINALLY GETTING ALONG NOW AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS HE HAS TAKEN A 360 TURN AND HE'S DONE. HE SAYS I AM DEAD TO HIM AND NOTHING. HE SAYS IF I ATTEND A FAMILY FUNCTION HE WILL MAKE ME MISERABLE. WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. I THINK ITS WRONG. I HAD SAID I WOULD NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS SO CLOSE AND AT HIS HOUSE AND I DIDN'T WANT THE TENSION. BUT, I DIDN'T MEAN FOREVER.
ACTUALLY I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING. HE TRULY HATES ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND TO FIND OUT SOMEONE HATES YOU SO MUCH. THAT THEY NEVER LIKED YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN FAKED. IT'S LIKE HAVING A DEATH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW. I AM REEVALUATING MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT. WHO NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. I JUST AM CHECKING THE LIST ONE BY ONE.
MAYBE IT'S TIME I JUST STOP. I HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS. ITS TIME TO CEASE EXISTENCE TO MY FAMILY OF PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH, WHY SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FAKING ANYTHING? I FEEL SO ALONE NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHO IS REAL ANYMORE. I DON'T WHO I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S TRUE FEELINGS. WELL, I GUESS I DO NOW. MY PARENTS EVEN. I AM LOOKING OVER EVERYTHING.
I HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN OUR CHILDHOOD WE WISH WE COULD FIX, CHANGE OR TAKE BACK. HELL, I HAVE THINGS IN MY ADULT LIFE I WISH I COULD CHANGE,FIX, OR TAKE BACK. A DO OVER WOULD BE NICE. BUT, THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. MY HARD PART IS THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE SORRY FOR. APPARENTLY I WAS A HORRIBLE CHILD AND I REALLY HAVE THINGS I SHOULD WANT TO CHANGE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER.
IT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER IT. CHILDHOOD IS SOMETHING WE SPEND OUR ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO OVERCOME. SOME ARE SUCCESSFUL AND SOME ARE NOT.
I HAVE A BROTHER WHO IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. HE BLAMES ME. HE SAYS I RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD BY BEATING HIM. I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS, I WAS OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE BY THE TIME I WAS 16. WHEN I LEFT HE WAS BARLEY A TEEN AT ONLY MAYBE 13. HE SWEARS I ABUSED HIM BY BEATING HIM. HE HAS 4 DAUGHTERS. I BABYSAT THEM. IT WAS ONLY THIS SUMMER I HAD HIS DAUGHTER FOR TWO WEEKS (ONE WEEK AT A TIME). IF I WAS SO ABUSIVE, WHY DID HE LET HIS DAUGHTER COME STAY HERE FOR A WEEK. ANYWAY. I GUESS ITS HIDDEN OR SOMETHING.
REPRESSED MEMORIES. I HAD SOME PRETTY BAD ENCOUNTERS IN MY LIFE FROM A ROUGH CHILDHOOD, TO A BAD MARRIAGE AND EVEN SOME ENCOUNTERS THAT WEREN'T BY A FAMILY MEMBER. MY PARENTS WORKED AND THEY MADE ME STAY AT HOME AND WATCH MY BROTHERS. I HAD TO BE OVER TEN IN MY THOUGHT PROCESS. BUT, ACCORDING TO MY BROTHER I BEAT HIM. HE SAYS I ABUSED HIM. NEVER ANY MARKS. BECAUSE HE TOLD MY MOM. I ADMIT I WASN'T THE BEST SISTER AND I HAVE SAID I AM SORRY MORE THAN ANY PERSON SHOULD HAVE TO IN ANY LIFETIME. I HAVE TRIED TO OVERCOME THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND THEN FINALLY GETTING ALONG NOW AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS HE HAS TAKEN A 360 TURN AND HE'S DONE. HE SAYS I AM DEAD TO HIM AND NOTHING. HE SAYS IF I ATTEND A FAMILY FUNCTION HE WILL MAKE ME MISERABLE. WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. I THINK ITS WRONG. I HAD SAID I WOULD NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS SO CLOSE AND AT HIS HOUSE AND I DIDN'T WANT THE TENSION. BUT, I DIDN'T MEAN FOREVER.
ACTUALLY I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING. HE TRULY HATES ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AND TO FIND OUT SOMEONE HATES YOU SO MUCH. THAT THEY NEVER LIKED YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN FAKED. IT'S LIKE HAVING A DEATH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW. I AM REEVALUATING MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT. WHO NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. I JUST AM CHECKING THE LIST ONE BY ONE.
MAYBE IT'S TIME I JUST STOP. I HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS. ITS TIME TO CEASE EXISTENCE TO MY FAMILY OF PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH, WHY SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FAKING ANYTHING? I FEEL SO ALONE NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHO IS REAL ANYMORE. I DON'T WHO I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S TRUE FEELINGS. WELL, I GUESS I DO NOW. MY PARENTS EVEN. I AM LOOKING OVER EVERYTHING.
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